Jack you are funny. Thank god I didn't have breakfast today. With the way my life has been going it could have had salmonella in it. OK... OK... I'm LITTLE down, look at the bright side, right? See the glass half full instead of half empty. I'M TRYINGGGGG!!!!!!
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I demand a lot of myself, sometimes to much. But I know that I'm strong, always mentally the stronger one in our relationship. I'll make it one way or another. I just have to remind myself to give myself time to heal and pull myself together, this it wayyyy the hardest think that I had to face in all my life.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Do look for the positive, but don't beat yourself up if you have a lapse. Lapse does not mean collapse.
It's sounds easy to have "no expectations" but, early on I really had to keep myself in check. To relieve the stress you might try to meditate or exercise (if you don't already), I've found it really helpful.
You're D16 is going to feel however she feels, hopefully she will find an outlet. Remember you can't fix their relationship.
The busier you keep yourself the easier it will be to keep your mind off of him and what he might be thinking, doing etc. I still do crosswords and take classes so that I have things I need to "think" about.
I do take yoga classes and go to the gym (should go more often). I need to get out more. I work on our business from home, so I feel a little cut-off from the real world at the moment, I spend lots of time by myself or with clients on the phone or e-mail. I need to change that, I need to get out more.
WH & I were always best friends and that was truly great, however I don't really have that many really close girlfriends and he doesn't have close male friends. We have couple-friends, but I already found that they have hard time with this and don't want to get in the middle of it - loyalties to both of us. I have 2 very close girlfriends and they both moved away - one out of the country and the other about 400 miles away - she came and stayed with me for few days last month when I needed it the most and we talk on the phone, but that's about it.
My family is in Europe and I didn't tell them anything yet. WH's family lives here, and he didn't tell them yet either. Actually his sister knows but only because she is a therapist and is trying to help him.
I joined a divorce support group. Went to one rebuilding meeting. It was good to meet new people in the same sitch, but little depressing but I will continue going to the meetings.
I know that I need some carefree, happy times and some fun. I'll work on that .
Last edited by Mila; 03/01/1009:35 PM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I’m ready to continue where I left off in my first post – little more history.
The day I discovered his affair he told me that, “he loves me but does not think, he is in love with me anymore” and “is in love with her and that they were talking about leaving their spouses to be together”. This is after four month EA and two month PA (they only had sex 3 times in a motel room).
BTW this affair started in April, couple of weeks after our Spring Break Vacation where we had such a good time together (I thought), going for walks on the beach holding hands, taking tons of picture, romantic dinners, lots of intimate time - if you get my drift. WTH and two weeks later he starts an affair!!!????
They were meeting under the pretences that he is training for his marathon. He would be gone in the middle of workday for 2-3 hours. I thought that he was running with a group that’s what he always did before, I trusted him and didn’t even think anything else could be going on.
He even did a project for her company and guess what - he invited my daughter and I to come to the set and watch them work, he introduced OW to both of us and we had lunch – what nerve.
As a thank you for him giving her a good deal on the job she invited us to stay at her ski condo. So believe it or not my husband took us to this woman’s condo for 3 days, we slept in her bed, cooked in her kitchen, soaked in her hot tub… and my daughter wrote a nice note in the guest book “Thank you for letting our family stay at your beautiful place we really enjoyed it” and D16 drew a picture of our “happy family”. Every time I think about it I want to kill him. How dare he.
Shortly after his affair became physical this woman moved with her family (her husband transferred) 1,000 miles away. They continued communication and met when she came to visit her family. So when I found out about them she was not living in the same town anymore.
After he told me that he would move out we decided to not to tell our daughter right away, because she had a big sports competition that week. We decided to tell her after. Well my dear husband has lent her his cell phone and she found their intimate text conversations. That’s how my 16-year-old found out about her daddy’s affair…
It just blows my mind how my caring, responsible, companionate, devoted husband could turn into this selfish, narcissistic alien.
He slept in the guest room for the two weeks that he was waiting to move into his apartment. I was a basket case, crying, trying to talk about our relationship, asking why, pleading for him to let her go and work on our marriage…trying everything in my power to change his mind. And I must say he was really confused …one day he wanted to stay; next he was ready to leave. There were many fights and discussions.
Here are some of the thinks he said
I have to find my self There was no passion in our marriage anymore I was dying inside I wasn’t happy I didn’t think that you love me anymore, but now I see that you do It (the affair) just happened, I was not planning on it, I wasn’t planning to fall in love I didn’t care (I asked did you think about your family when you started the affair?) It’s not about you It’s about me I’m not the same person I would be with you if I didn’t fall in love with her, I have to follow my heart not my head Don’t call it an affair; I’m in love (affair - ugly, in love - beautiful)
There were many more hurtful comments and personal attacks. Interestingly he didn’t do anything wrong, it was all me. When I would start talking about him he would get really angry and defensive.
So I acknowledged and apologized for all the thinks that I know I need to improve on (we all have them). He newer apologized for anything, not even the affair.
He moved out for the first time and stayed out for about a month. I asked him how he plans to be with her when she is so far away, he said that he will move there and will run our family business from there!!!!!!! This is totally impossible I could not even comprehend how he could think that that would be work– it was totally irrational. Our business is service oriented and very hands on. There is just no way - it would kill the business and our livelihood. I also asked what about you daughter, how often do you think you would see her if you plan to move away???
He flew to see the OW for a week (her husband still didn’t know anything) and the rest of the time WH was back at the house almost daily having dinner with us, or just coming to talk when he was lonely. He was in a very fragile emotional state; I would say depressed. He would cry, he would hug me; he would say that he is not sure what he wants.
One day he came and said that he has decided and that he doesn’t think our marriage is worth saving and that’s it.
The very next day he called and asked if he can come and talk to me. I said OK. So he comes over and asks if I’ll take him back that the affair is over and he will never see her again. Stupid me - I said yes immediately. He came home the very same day. We talked and he said that they decided that it wouldn’t work and they ended it. But he did love her and it will take some time for him to get over it to give him time before he is ready to work on the marriage. I said OK I’d wait as long as it takes, I know that we can work through this together. I read the book “After the Affair” so I knew that he might go through a period of withdrawal/depression. The only thing I asked is that he sends OW a “no contact letter” and that he tells me if she contacts him or he slips and contacts her. He promised.
Around this time OW’s husband called me for the first time. We talked and I found out more details about what’s going on. OW gave him a letter informing him that she fell in love and that she is leaving him and the kids and that WH already left his wife for her to prove his love. In the end she decided not to leave her husband. That’s why my WH came back, because she would note leave her family, not because he wanted to be back.
I still had hope, I thought it’s over he will get over it. But it wasn’t to be. He did go into a deep depression; probably more MLC related then withdrawal from OW. He was even suicidal and left for two weeks to see his therapist sister for help. When he came back, he said that she helped him but started to be colder and completely withdrew, closing him self in his office, not wanting to talk about relationship or anything else. Went with me few times to see my councilor told her that the affair is over but didn’t want to work on marriage. She thought that he was very depressed and stuck somewhere in a black hole.
By this time I read all of Michele’s books and was DB, I stopped all R talks, started to concentrate on myself and told him to just take as much time as he needs to heal and that I will always be there if he needs me and I distanced and left him be. But he was getting worse and one day he said that he feels trapped and he needs to move out again. I said OK. Thinking that’s OK, maybe distance is good at this point. My daughter asked if the OW is back in the picture and he said no. He said the same think to me. So he moved out 2nd time.
Week later I got another call from her husband, he said that WH & OW have been in contact with each other since before XMAS, they met when she was in town and that she just informed him that she is leaving him. She moved to a B&B.
So this happened a month ago. That’s pretty much the history. Next time I will continue with what’s happening now.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I know that I need some carefree, happy times and some fun. I'll work on that smile.
This is good. GAL activities are the most important thing to keep you busy living your life.
The focus has to come off your WH and onto you. You can only control you. In someones thread today I read some advice from LFW to make a list of the things you can control and can't control. Then worry about the list of things that you can control and leave alone the other list. (If I have it wrong LFW please correct me) Anyway very wise advise for all of us to follow.
Did you find the resource thread? Have you started reading that? Just remember that knowledge is power.
I have been combing through the archives and posts and reading anything on this site that I can. I'm also reading as many "helpful" books as I can get my hands on. Currently re-reading "Men are from Mars & Women are from Venus" and "The Power of Now" and planning to order "Private Lies" by Frank S. Pittman and "Surviving the Male Mid-Life Crisis" by Henry Still. If anyone knows the last two books let me know if they are worth ordering.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
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