IC - making slow progress but at least its me vent & refocus on what nees to be done. "It's not my fault & I am not creating this mess" are my new mantras!! I have felt stronger over the past few weeks and apart from a bad patch at the beginning of this week am starting to take small steps in terms of controlling my own future. Also realise that there is no quick fix so "patience" is the 3rd in the mantra set.
No reply from FB-not sure how active OMW is so have followed up with a personal letter after finding address via the web. I expect fireworks next week when W finds out but I am ready for that. All I have done in the letter is stated facts about W leaving home and that it is her choice. It is the right & decent thing to do and I will be able to look myself in the mirror and the kids in the eye.
Counselling is so beneficial beause it's great to talk to someone who doesn't know you personally or is involved in your life in any way. Plus venting = amazingness
I haven't been here very long, but, as you said, a lot of common themes. I can't offer as much help as some veterans but as a newcomer, I have learned that patience is the most important and the hardest thing to grasp. I agree that with children in the picture it is much more difficult. Not too long ago, I felt as if I was quickly running out of time. My four kids were always on my mind. But, "do what works!" My wife is still in the house, but she's not always "here", you know? Try to relax even when you think you will die. As you have read, thing aren't over yet, and you will only push her further away by pursuing. I know it doesn't make sense, but it has helped my sitch alot. Good luck! Patience, patience, patience............
OK now I seroiusly need some advice. After writing to her, OMW has called me & we are meeting on Monday. She was not aware that things were still moving along with W/OM & I think is very annoyed that he has been lying to her but they have been married 28 years & sounded as if she wants to keep it together. OMW thought they were still trying to make a go of marriage, W say it is "not about him its about me". Looks to me as if W is making the running but OM is feeding her the plan. He can't lose so he is in lower risk territory. I'm lost in Oz world thought processes. Not sure what OMW will do but seemed fairly calm. They have joint business, good life etc. so he has much to lose. How do I play this?
When I first came here to the board, I remember using the word "boring" as one of my adjectives for my MR. However, I did not describe it correctly. The truth was that "stress".....terrible, terrible stress year after year had finally taken its toll on me. I did not explain what we had been through b/c frankly....I didn't think anyone cared, or if anyone would believe it.
I just wanted to tell you that what you two have been through is enough to cause a person to want to "escape" from their reality and find some sort of fantasy world. That's no excuse for an A, but it happens. It happen to me (an EA) but I am proof that the M can be restored. Don't give up. It's hard, and it takes a long time....but if that is what you want, then don't give up. You have to learn what works.....not what feels right, or what you "think" should work, but what really, really works. Listen to the advise you will receive.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi Thanks for the encouragement. I must confess that while I am worried about what will happen as a result of meeting the OMW, I have felt more content in myself since contacting her. I think the advice given has made me realise that W & OM cannot be allowed to exert control over the situation by using our emotions against us. I expect that the next week or so will be a rough ride & I need to protect the boys from as much fallout as possible. If things will soon be out in the open, the issue wil be forced. It will either push W & OM together before they were ready or OM may back off. Time to don a tin hat & see what evolves!
OK so I met with OMW & now am really concerned. Everything seems to be happening in parallel. Apparantly OM has never done anything like this before. OMW had concerns over his mental well being before as he apppearred to be getting too close to a family breakup which was bringing back issues with his childhood. Apparantly he is from a broken home & never resolved issues with his father leaving. W & OM have similar personalities - very impulsive. OMW & I are also very simlar, tend to think things through etc. I think that W & OM have been in "empathy" on every event in their lives for the past 6-9 months. Looks like its 2 MLC in collision! OMW is in a vulnerable postion as she has no protection financially in the short term, although she is an active part of the business. We agree we need to do something fast as both are still keen to save marriages if possible. OMW has gone away to think about what she needs to put in place / do next. Agreed that we need to be coordinated but any action needs to happen fast.
I'm trying to be patient and have not contacted W other than when speaking to boys. In fact, There has been no contact with anyone since Sun afternoon. This morning W. calls me on way to work to inform about upcoming parents evening. Kept everything business like but then she extended conversation about future hospital appointment for minor op to S12 (not being scheduled until late Apr/May). Again kept business like, thanked her for her call & hung up. Trying to stay calm, detach, follow all the good advice being put forward but there seems to be a lot going on at present which is difficult(also reading DR). Just trying to keep busy but finding it difficult to concentrate on anything else at present. Am I playing this ok? Any words of advice?
Believe me when I say I am trying to GAL and reading but I think I have reached the stage of information overload and am struggling to know what "advice" to apply in the current circumstances. The default is to do nothing but that just give rise to concerns that I am not doing something! I know its early days & i am keen not to do anything rash but meeting with OMW has caused me to become anxious as to what can / needs to be done at the moment and also what the future impact may be on the kids.
