Hearts Blessing, I am of the opinion that most people who go into an MLC do not ever come out of it for whatever reason. I base this opinion on what I have seen on the board, especially from the older posters. Hardly scientific proof, but its certainly a trend I see. Your opinion?
It is my understanding that some people never come out because they get "stuck" in the tunnel; most of the time they're stuck in the stage of Replay. One of the reasons, in my humble opinion, is they can never face the fact they are getting older; and these select individuals do NOT accept the inevitability of this; and that is painful to them. The damage within may also be too great for them to handle, so it is easier to run away than it is to face their fears. They lack the strength to come through. On top of that; it is too painful to look within and see what they really are, face their mistakes and begin to grow. Weakness on their part.
It takes more strength to stand and fight than it does to run away.
One of the hardest things to do in this is to look in the mirror of self-honesty..the MLC'er might be honest with others,(as much as they can be while still spewing venom) but never within themselves..that would also be where the 'stuck' MLC'ers are. They have, in effect, left the cover on the mirror, preferring instead to be blinded to the truth of what they are, and have become during this time in the tunnel.
To them, it's perfectly normal behavior..to anyone else it's puzzling or even disgusting.
There are many factors that contribute to becoming "stuck" within...most of these factors contain fears that cannot be faced, again, because they are too weak to face them.
A strong LBS could attempt to bring them through, acting as a staunchion or pillar of strength to help them at certain times; but cannot make them face what they have to face, and stand the risk of having them run back in; a cycle could begin, and it would be a hard one to break, if it were ever broken; again this is a crap shoot, a gamble...and here's the rub, Braveheart: You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.
When it comes to facing yourself, and the fears associated with you as an individual, you have to find the strength to come through..and alas, they don't have it or cannot find it, or worse yet, take the "easy" way out...and that is to continue running for the rest of their lives.
They progress beyond hope as long as they continue to run away; staying stuck; most, for the rest of their lives.
On a side note: When it was me; I had to fight my way through every day of my Mid Life Transition; it would have been so much easier to just lay down and quit. I faced a great many things while within the tunnel..and the pain was nearly overwhelming for me. The mirror of self honesty was a hard one to uncover; as well as facing all the emotional damage I contained within from childhood and my adulthood. I had come to terms with so many things BEFORE I came out; and it seemed SO HARD, and all I had learned/written seemed so far away; it was nearly out of my reach. In spite of the knowledge I had, it was really hard on me, too.
The journey is not an easy one...and I remember being SO shocked at the pain..it was MUCH greater than I had remembered writing about. There was also a "burning" sensation within me; and true to form, something DID get burned out of me; changing me for all time.
Do not know if this will help, but this is from my memories of that time; it took me six years to navigate through...and the final stages took me LONGER than it did my husband; scaring him in the process. I think, for a time, he thought he was losing me. I was a truly awful person during that time.
I'm just glad I didn't get stuck...I wouldn't be back here in present day if I had, and no one would have known what happened to me.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
My H has not accused or blamed me of anything until last week when he said that I was the one that pushed him to make a decision and maybe that is why I am having such a hard time. I know that I need to quit focusing on him and focus on myself and I plan to start doing that. I know that I am not perfect and could have done a lot of things differently in our marraige. I will work on those!
I will work on the "family thing" though and will be prepared for no's...
Why can't there just be some kind of magic pill???
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I'm a former poster but haven't been on the boards for awhile. I just wanted to make a comment from my experience on the "closure" (i.e., divorce) question that was posted here.
My H began his MLC in about 2003. Replay (very young OW) started in 2004 -- I found out about her in 2005 and began posting here under another name.
After many failed reconciliations, my H unexpectedly filed for D in 2006. When I confronted him about it, he immediately backed down and cancelled the D.
My take on it is this -- many MLCers are emotionally weak and easily led. My XH's young OW was the driving force behind his filing for D. I don't think H wanted the D at all but he caved to OW's demands. On the flip side, when I confronted him, he also caved in to me and dropped the D.
I eventually filed for D because I couldn't handle the wishy washy indecivisness of H. He was flip-flopping all over the place and never making a stand either way. Had I not filed, I'm sure we would still be doing this square dance. (Even after the D, my XH tried for 2 years to keep the dance going).
My XH is one of those who got "stuck" in the process. I doubt he will ever find his way out because he doesn't have the strength or manpower to do it.
It's a long, tough road no matter what the outcome. The LBS must build herself the best life she can while she's waiting .. I wish I had done this sooner instead of waiting on H to "wake up".
My H has always said the "kids" need closure...he has always tried to get me to do it his way...I haven't budged, & I won't..he's nuts...he wants me to sit down at our dining room table and work it out between us because "we are not movie stars who have alot of money to throw away on divorce"... A while ago I told him I never had a choice in any of this..that he packed up and drove away and never looked back. He chose to be with OW over being with the wife he had for 30 years and our 3 kids... I do believe he is carrying alot of guilt over his "love child"..my daughter even told him he never tried with me and he told her..."he told her you try every day"....well yeah...but he ran...
Since he's left it has been all about him...he just wants to be with the kids if its fun and if he doesn't have to keep them overnight...seriously....and my son doesnt know what's really going on so he goes and dad takes him to movies, to eat, and then back home...my son is on cloud 9...but he never sits down with him to just talk to him...he's only seen my D23 a couple of time over the last year....sad....
I told H I needed money and he pretty much said he can't get any....I never responded to him....I was so mad....he has no worries, no responsibilities, NOTHING!! Just having fun with OW...
He says he needs to start spending time with his other son also...sure...all of a sudden after 10 years he wants to be involved...I think he is avoiding us and not spending time with our kids because he went 10 years without spending time with his other son...it's almost like he's punishing us for that..does that sound weird?
He does appear to be in love w OW....she is a friend from wayy back...but one thing...she dated all his friends...I guess it's his turn...YUK! Maybe they will end up together, who knows but the sad thing is my kids will never accept the OW.She walked into our home and took their dad...even though he told them it has nothing to do with her...that she's a good person....BLAH! What am I? Huhhhh....I know.....to him I'm the cause of his unhappiness for the past 10, 12, 15 years..it changes....
To everyone he appears calm,,loving, and just needing to move on and not be married anymore...but if that's what he wants why did he go right to OW....I don't get it...I'm the one alone now..it doesnt bother me as much anymore..I kind of enjoy the bed all to myself but it does get lonely every now and again..I miss him reaching over and touching me when he came to bed...it's the little things...the things that will never be again..
Right now I'm concentrating on my D23's wedding...she has asked the neither her father or I bring anyone to her wedding..I respect her decision and I will not....I hope her father does the same...or I will remove the girl myself...it's about my daughter not us...
Thank you so much for all your wisdom...you really are helping....being able to vent and have people understand makes a world of difference...
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Just a quick question, and maybe it will turn into more of an insight rather than an answer...
I see a lot of newer posters that seem to define success at DBing by their left ring finger....
Maybe you could take some time to post what your views are about YOU if your marriage would not have been rebuilt.
Would you still have lived, and been a better person regardless ?
I know that regardless of the outcome of my MLC spouse, I will be a better person for what I have endured, and I now veiw this as a blessing , and an oppurtunity.
I choose to see what I have gained,rather than lost.
HB, Could you give us insight as to your interpretation of what life is with the ML'er and OW, is it typically argumentive, blissful,hell, competitive, etc...?
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
I was wondering about the guilt that the MLC feels. Do they ever come to terms with it in the later stages?
I am concerned because my H has done what I know in his mind is the absolute worst thing he can do to me as he watched his mother suffer through his dad's continuous infidelities as he grew up. He swore to me when we were dating that if he ever did that to a woman he'd never be able to forgive himself and would never return to her if the relationship ended. We had promised each other to leave before that ever happened, but he didn't. So I am concerned that the depth of his guilt will prevent him from seeing that I have overcome many challenges and can overcome his infidelity as well.
I know each MLC is different, but your view would be appreciated.
~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~
My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
I think it is wonderful that Hearts Blessing is here to answer questions about MLC.
Unfortunately, HB doesn't have a crystal ball and is unable to see into the future.
Each situation is different.
And each person has their own timeline.
Nobody knows who will return home or who will get Divorced, there are so many factors involved. Your WAS doesn't even know if they will return home or not.
The main idea behind DB-ing is to save yourself. IF the Marriage is saved then that is a bonus.
Everyone here contributed in some way to the demise of their marriage.
The very best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to work on your issues, not your WAS"s issues.
Change is hard and uncomfortable.
But it needs to be done.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
This is absolutely wonderful - thank you so much. I have read many of your postings and I respect your viewpoints.
What do you think the major difference is between an MLCer and a WAS?
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Thanks for jumping in and sharing your experience with divorce during MLC.
You have learned much during your journey, your post contains a great deal of strength; and you are settled with the decision you made, and that is all that matters.
Thanks for your input, and for your honesty.
Just because you went ahead and filed for a divorce does NOT make you a "weak" person. Each person with a spouse in MLC is put in a position to decide what's best for him/her.
Don't ever feel ashamed of the decisions you make regarding your life; you did the best you could do, and went as far as you could go. The choice to keep on or not was YOURS; no one has the right to judge you(not that anyone is, but you know what I mean; I was thinking of people who do NOT understand this situation). Bear in mind, you were the ONLY one who knew what was right for you...and no one else could tell you what to do; they were not living your life, nor walking in your shoes.
You are absolutely correct in your assessments; you've observed your ex-WAS long enough to learn these things. And honestly, you knew him better than anyone else..and though things were confusing, and you did quite a bit of soul searching before you did file; you came to a decision based on what information you had regarding him and the situation at the time.
One more thing; please, don't beat yourself up because you didn't do this sooner. Let it go, as it doesn't deserve any more "head time". Go on with your life, and make it a great one. One of the best things you did was hang on for as long as you could; making sure the "what if" questions were answered to YOUR satisfaction before you took action to end the marriage on paper. Your WAS ended it long before when he decided to take this road to destruction...at least you weren't dragged along with him. It is better to do what you did in waiting for awhile to see what happened, than to go ahead and file, and THEN spend alot of time, going back and forth in guilt, saying "What if I'd done this....or that?"
You did ALL you could, then it was time to stop when YOU felt it was time to stop; coming out or not coming was and is always up to the MLC'er...and that is one of the many "rubs" in this time of trouble.
MLC is truly a crap shoot and a gamble; as it's uncertain...but you knew for yourself when to quit; and that was YOUR decision alone. As has been said many times, each MLC is as different as each person is different...and only the LBS knows what to do and when to do it.
We may read into the situation, but there is never a real guarantees of outcome...yet, even life itself, has NO guarantees. And, like you say, we just do the best we can, one day at a time, one step at a time.
All that is important is the journey to being whole once again, growing, learning...and taking care of ourselves; regardless of what happens or doesn't happen with the MLC'er.
You have pointed to a possibility that could happen to anyone...someone getting stuck in the tunnel, most possibly for the rest of their lives.
Take care of yourself.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
