OK. read these but while I understand the point, I am confused as to the best course of action in terms of who to tell & timing. To date, W has been confronted, confirmed identity of OM & I have met him. (apparantly his wife also picked up on cell records & confronted him - he maintains he is "working on marriage" & what happens is up to W. Made her tell FIL / BIL. I Have told my S who also confronted W (S thinks defineitly MLC / Self esteem issues). A number of friends know & some have worked out who OM is. However, W is not being consistent with story & there are some who do not realise there is an A. Most have kids who are at school in same classes as boys. How to expose to gain maximum impact with W / OM but minimise impact on kids?
OK, so if so can be both what "rules" should I be following? My undersatnding is that MLC causes so much internal confusion that the person doesn't know what damage they are actually causing due to theri own selfish behaviour. WAW is more calculated in terms of they know what they seek to achieve & will probably never return to M. How can W be both?
W dropped off kids tonight & passed over a cheque from "comunal" fund we have set up for boys activities to pay for school trip. Kept my distance, only discussed what was need for boys / arrangements for handover etc. She then told me that a mutual friend had came round on Tues & had worked out who OM was. I just said it would be the 1st of many, & I will not lie to people if they ask me why she left. Said goodnight to boys & then came back to give me a kiss on the cheek. No reciprocation, just said goodnight & she left. She looked very tired & jaded. Now won't see boys or me until Sat night. Older S12 is now asking why won't mum get help for her problems & has told her he wants to be a family again. She just said "we'll see". He is quite upset at her actions. Not sure if it is registering with W.
I would suggest that you do not need to do anymore than you have done.
Your best approach right now is to continue living a good life. The plan you have already put in place for dealing with your wife is sufficient in my opinion.
I see no need for further revelation about the affair. Seems to me enough people know, and those who do not are slowly finding out. Going further with that issue will just be perceived as antagonistic on your part.
Honestly, the best thing you have going for you right now is that you sound solid and grounded. You have your home, you are getting regular time with your boys, and you have established a process for avoiding your wife's drama.
Usually the worst part of this type mess is having to deal with the infidelity in your face every day. By her moving out, you are free from that.
Spend time working on your mindset and attitude. Tell yourself that you cannot control your wife and you cannot make her decisions. Remind yourself that you love her and that promised to care for her in both good and bad times. See yourself as a part of her life that is solid and grounded, something that she can trust in. Time will come when the structures that she has surrounded herself with will begin to fail. She will then need to know that you have not turned your back on her completely, and that you do not hate her.
I think you have done well so far. Continue the good work.
This is a slow process. Guard yourself against impatience.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thanks you for your response. It gives me great heart that what I have been doing is preceived as having some merit. As you rightly say, much of what is happening is out of my control so all I can do is be true to myself and try to live life in a decent way, trying to be a positive role model for the boys. You are also correct that impatience is a big problem. The desire to "take action" fights against this but I am trying hard to be considered in all that I do for the sake of the boys. The one further action I have taken is to send OM W a message on FB to advise her that W has moved out. OM W was / is aware of the EA.
