Just want my H back

[hhh]

Hi guys,
Well I guess the argument could easily be made in either direction. File or wait (or simply send email which may prompt something). I agree email makes sense b/c it's not pushing anything yet, but still letting him know I accept the situation and laying out a few things on my terms. I am so encompassed by moving right now that it's not front and center for me (this cleaning out feels good, I must say!). Moving is stressful enough so do I want to deal with D/potential filing across the next 1-2 weeks I am here? Keep thinking 'what's best for me' and chewing on it. When I'm busy and GAL not think about so much, other times I do. I feel like in many ways I have been 'moving on' without the formality yet. Does it hinder me from moving on? No, not totally...but it feels like false comfort in many ways too.

A tad confused about one thing said above Pearl that seems contradictory: "if it won't hurt you legally and emotionally to wait then I say to wait", then "personally I think you should file". ??

I'm not 100% at the point where I would file, but when/if we do it would be joint, and I'm OK with that. No use fighting something he's dead set on anymore. What I've got to do first is send the email...if it opens something up - likely - I can't blame myself or regret it b/c truthfully he's where he is anyway. Maybe it would be a good thing to stand up for myself a bit more in this situation. I feel like I'm doing fine now, but I also know this move will be a bit emotional in many ways - part empowering, part letting go/loss. Yes sometimes we just need to jump!
-hhh
(BTW - I've start meditating to a great video each night...it is super helpful and I recommend to anyone going through this stuff - it is Sarah Powers Insight Yoga, she has a wonderful 30-min meditation on acceptance and being in the present moment). I bought on amazon last yr and it's been wonderful.

[avermont]

HHH--

You are handling so many aspects of your sitch at once, and so well, my mind just boggles. Moving. Selling the car yourself (and yes, that is HUGE!) to file or not file; tuition $--honestly, I bow down to you for dealing with so many issues at once.

I won't offer any advice, as I have none, but I can comment on the strength you are projecting in your posts. I am thrilled for you that you have friends on both coasts, who also seem to know single men! I think you will do just fine in CA, and maybe the file/not file will just become more clear as the days go by.

I wanted to tell you that I signed up for The Work on the Web. $30/3 months. I found I couldn't do the worksheets myself, but going thru it step by step online really helped. Then I splurged on a facilitator--just spent 1 1/2 hours weeping as we went thru The Work (is there NO end to the tears??? maybe if I dehydrated myself I could stop crying) I don't feel cured yet, but she assures me time/growth/Work will work. If you can't afford the facilitator, do try signing up for The Work on the Web.

I look forward to hearing about your westward ho journey. How are you getting out there? You will do well where ever you land.

[hhh]

Thank you Avermont. It's weird to me how over the past week I've had moments of feeling overwhelmed, interspersed with moments of really surprising myself by how calm I am in the midst of so much change. I do think things will become clearer in the days/weeks ahead.

On Sat a.m. I got up and ran 10 miles (a lot for me!), then went right to church and sat there for a few mins in silence. Just asked Gd to give me the wisdom/courage to deal with this situation, and the guidance to know what to do. And, a small prayer to sell my car soon (silly, i know..but i was thinking about my to-do list then). That afternoon car was sold, and what's even more uncanny, to a man who got divorced and shared his story with me. Before he drove off he stood on my sidewalk and said a prayer with/for me. At that moment I felt things would be all right.

I am trying to look at this transition as more of an adventure. Even though I will be 'homeless' for awhile, it's an excuse to visit friends all over the country as I travel for work. More travel stories likely to come... (maybe I'll write a book?)

Night all, and peace
-hhh

[Vulcanized]

Just asked Gd to give me the wisdom/courage to deal with this situation, and the guidance to know what to do. And, a small prayer to sell my car soon (silly, i know..but i was thinking about my to-do list then). That afternoon car was sold, and what's even more uncanny, to a man who got divorced and shared his story with me. Before he drove off he stood on my sidewalk and said a prayer with/for me. At that moment I felt things would be all right.

Perfect moment of synchronicity!!!

[avermont]

10 miles is huge! I just struggled through that on Sunday! Good for us.

I'm glad you have church to help you out. Seems you get a lot of good answers there.

If you are traveling in VT, there's always a couch for you! Unless, of course, I become homeless to in the transition. Good--look at it as and adventure and chance to visit friends.

I'll keep checking in.

[hhh]

Hi Friends,
Went on quick business trip yesterday and met a guy on a plane..he asked for my #. I am moving soon but still was flattering and nice conversation. And I've gotten to the point where I actually enjoy coming home to my own space/home..doing my own thing, etc. It feels more peaceful than lonely, most of the time.

Thus why am I such a chicken? H is away all week for work, and yet I know I still need to send the email to him. I have no problem at all asking about putting tuition $ in writing, but what 'scares' me is telling him about the forms we need to fill out (response from L that he asked me to clarify) - this was an email in my posts a few pp back. I guess I'm scared that it's going to start this process. Ugh. But at the same time I feel ok and empowered being on my own...I think the finality is daunting. It doesn't mean I'm going to file yet, it's just answering his question but is bringing up the topic proactively myself. BUT, if this starts the process than he is already there anyway, don't you think? There was a piece in Tough Love book about how if the 'letting go' stance ends things, than the relationshi was already dying on the vine.

Pearl -if you happen to see this do you mind clarifying my ? to you on previous page about the filing/waiting question I had.

Maybe I'm just a chicken and need a kick in the behind. No to fear!

[pearlharbr]

Ok, trying to clarify.

If I were in your situation, I would go ahead and file now. Yes, it's making it easy for him because it's giving him what he wants without any effort on his part. He's a coward and should be manning up. If he wants a D then he should be the one to file. I was in the exact same predicament. BF is the one who wanted out but kept asking me if I wanted him to leave so he could place the responsibility for the breakup on me. When I got to the point when I was DONE I realized that I if I waited for BF to man up and end things then I might be sitting around in limbo for a long time. I didn't want to waste any more of my life on him so I made the choice to take control of the sitch.

Because you're moving across the country I think you can start your new life without having the paperwork done. You'll be in a new environment, meeting new people, hanging out with old friends. You will be, de facto, single. So if it's more important to you to let H take responsibility for ending the M by filing then just live your new life on your own and don't think about it. HOWEVER, if it's going to hurt you financially or if it's going to keep you emotionally wound up (How can I date while I'm still married? Today is our X anniversary. etc.) then file the papers.

IMHO, you need to file. I think you'll continue to be on an emotional roller coaster until you finalize things.

[hhh]

Thanks Pearl, this makes perfect sense.

It's weird to look around my apt and know that in exactly 2 weeks I will be leaving. But I'm finally to the place (most of the time) where I'm more excited about what the future holds than fear/sadness about leaving the past.

[talia]

(((hhh))))

You are not a chicken! Finality is scary and you have every right to feel that way! I am a firm believer that you shouldn't do anything until you are truly ready - but only you can decide what that means for you. Like I said before - send the email, but just send the part about the tuition since that part doesn't scare you. The result will probably be close to the same - since its all related You'll get the push one way or another.... and you always have the right to change your mind about how to proceed.

Us ladies reserve that right in general

T

[pearlharbr]

I disagree Tal. I think hhh should send the email and include the bit about the forms. H asked she find out the info and she agreed to do that. I think it's important to honor your word and she doesn't have a good reason not to follow through.

Don't let fear run your life!