Acceptable contact while GD?

[SweetCyborg]

What's an acceptable level of contact? We only discuss practical matters by email, hardly any phone contact.

She asked me (via email) about a bill, and then if I slept OK.

I don't want to say too much, but I WOULD very much just like to let WAW know that just because I'm uncharacteristically incommunicado, doesn't mean I don't care, just that I'm giving us both much-needed space? Too much? I so want to reach out.

I know she still loves me and I her, but she feels hopeless that the M will ever improve and that I have not fully forgiven the PA from two+ years ago (I'm still working on it)or never will.

She's my BEST friend and I hers and we both know it. I don't want her to think I don't care...I'm pretty sure she KNOWS that I do, but b/c of her depression will tend to 'go there' (I suck, he hates me, I'm a loser, but I just can never work it out with him, yada yada yada)

Thanks!

[CityGirl]

It's best to keep your entire situation to one thread. You will get more traffic and people will be able to follow along in a more efficient manner.

[gucci loafer]

I'm pretty sure she KNOWS that I do, but b/c of her depression will tend to 'go there' (I suck, he hates me, I'm a loser, but I just can never work it out with him, yada yada yada)

Do you realize and know that women that have low self esteem and say things like that actually subconsciously say this to themselves when a man is pursuing them?

"If I am such a loser and I suck, then there MUST be something wrong with HIM for loving me, since I don't even love myself."

She thinks she is no good and sucks and concludes that you must not have so much going on if you love and want someone that is no good and sucks...



So, your answer is to stay distant and let HER pursue you so that she tries and wants to be a better person. The men in your position almost always think the opposite. You always think that by pursuing her and giving her compliments and hanging in there for her, that she will feel better about herself and fall madly in love with you because you are such a great guy.

You need to show her that it it is a turnoff for a man when a woman has low self esteem and is depressed is is wanting space.


Just answer her email politely. Be short, be vague.


Tell her about the bill and "I slept like a baby. Got to run talk to you later"

That is it. Then wait for her to contact you for the nexgt go around.

[koliver0821]

I know how your feeling man. Im not in the same boat since I currently live and sleep in the same bed with my wife. However, the separation and our coinciding depression has created doubts in her. She doesnt know if she will ever feel better.

Im still very excited to hear her talk about the future. Its always we (im assuming she means me and the kids). Im just worried that the depression is caused by her inability to reciprocate love for me. Before this separation, I was confident that she loved me. Apparently, she always doubted my love for her. I never realized that.

In your situation, forgiveness is gift you give yourself. My wife had an Affair several months before the ILYB and need for space conversation. she didnt reveal the affair right away. in the past, i told her that if she ever cheated on me, that it would be over. I guess I underestimated my own love for her. My mantra is to love unconditionally. Its amazing how easy it was to forgive her for the affair. (Mostly emotional. though they did kiss and got caught by friends of the OMW.)I think the hard part for me will be living with the insecurity that the ILYB speech planted inside me.

My wife has said the same things. She doesn't like who she is. She feels lost or not connected. I think she is surprised at how much I love her. She asked me why I love her even after all the terrible things she has done to me. I truly believe the forgiveness is spiritual. I don't think its a coincidence that I was able to forgive my wife after renewing my ties to the Church. Those comments are here feelings. You can't change her feelings but you can accept her for having those feelings. Its at these times that we have to be the caretaker. Unfortunately for me, I had to be broken down to the core before I could build myself up. I truly believe your wife is at that point. Now its time to support her and get past your own hurt. By loving her despite the PA and who she is will help her get past her depression.

[newmama]

Listen to Gucci! Remember, we must do things that are "counterintuitive."

During these times of separation, if a man is being friends with a woman, he will be put in the "friend zone." That's it! Not the "lover zone" or the "husband zone."

Earn her respect-

[gucci loafer]

newmama is 100% correct.

Almost every person that comes on this site that has been left or is losing their spouse says that "I have been in depression" and didn't realize it UNTIL my spouse wanted out..

Suddenly they are doing everything they can to show the WS that they are no longer in depression...

Think about that. Your wife may not even try to fight her depression until she thinks it turns you off and you may be letting her go.


Be happy just the way things are in your life and let HER come to you.

[SweetCyborg]

Wow! thanks for all the good advice and responses. I will go back to my original (sitch?) thread?

My dad was a minister, and I really took (take) to heart the "how many times should we forgive" concept. It's harder in practice, eh? I didn't read DB last time we separated, but am NOW!

Far too long, she has been cosseted by me, her mom, OM... It will take her time and effort to come to the realization that she IS lovable and that we ALL need to make changes. Change IS possible.

I have to keep my chin up and hope for what's best for everyone and pray that we stay friends.

I'm doing whatever I can to learn how to love unconditionally (her and myself). (:

[sandi2]

I'm doing whatever I can to learn how to love unconditionally (her and myself)

I don't think you need to think so hard about forgiveness and unconditional love right now, and I'll tell you why. It is going to make such a nice guy out of you that you'll turn to sap. Never fails whenever a LBH starts this kind of talk. Don't misunderstand. I believe in forgiveness (and I thank God that I'be been on the forgiven end) and I know what my idea of unconditional love is (may not be "your" idea), but that is not what a WAW needs to "see" from you. Yes, you need to have those things, but it's not what she wants to see from you.

[Kimmie Lee]

Yeah, SC, you still don't get it. You have got to detach and become distant with her now. Do you seriously believe that "showing her unconditional love" will work? Has it been so far?

Stop looking for excuses to make contact with her. For the love of God, stop. Just stop. Please.

[SweetCyborg]

Ok, still a newbie and trying to get the hang of things thanks.