Curveball got a sharp, 12 to 6 breaking curve thrown right back at him this morning!
As I've mentioned before W has stated a couple of times that she wants to move back home and I have said no. Well this morning as I'm dropping off kids she says "Can I talk to you? now?". I said sure.
She said she is tired of being 'alone', when she knows she left a loving husband and family and they are right down the street. She said I am ready to 'fix' this, but I don't have any money. Will you help me and can we then work on us? I wasn't ready to lay out a boundary, but I did. I said I can't do anything unless there is ZERO contact between you and him. She had her phone in her hand and said "i already did, I just texted him and told him to not call, text, etc anymore". "I'm done, I screwed up and i want to come home".
I was floored, but I remained calm and assured her that I would help her and that of course we could work on us. As I'm driving to work I'm having 2nd thoughts. Not about working on us, but about her 'fixing' her pregnancy. She is/was adamantly against aborting and as I think about it I'm not so sure that is what I want to do. I thought it was....but then I think about my girls and how wonderful they are. Why not have another? But the 'other' isn't mine....I am happy, I'm scared as heck and very confused right now. Logically this is a decison that one should take some time before deciding, but time is NOT a luxury right now. As you (mc) said...I might think differently once I hold that little boy/girl.
Was this an option for you mc? Anyone else been in this particular sitch?
Working on the R is good, but don't move back in right away. It'll be a slow process. As for another man's child, only you can decide if you can raise him/her. Of course I would have rather my SD was mine, but after a few months of having her around I could hardly imagine life without her. Now after the separation I do have a life without her, and that's the part about it that sucks. Most of our friends didn't even know she wasn't mine biologically. That was a mutual decision my W and I made as well. All you have to do is decide what is going to help you and the R with your W. It's not a decision you have to make now, take your time and really think about what you want & how you want it.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
Curve, I'm not sure what option you are speaking of? If you're talking about paying to terminate that child? Then the answer is an emphatic "NO"! But I also refused to help support that child; that falls squarely on XOM and the W. Fortunately, my W has some money and is just starting to get CS from him.
We have NOT moved back in together and I do not have a time frame for such. I'm still not even sure if it will happen. But I knew during the whole pregnancy that she needed to suffer through this.
Quote:
She said she is tired of being 'alone'
Make sure this isn't her only driving force! Typical of women with the described psychological condition of which you described. She needs to 'want' to be with you; not 'needing' to be with you.
Quote:
Will you help me and can we then work on us?
Can I say "the check is in the mail?" I let it known to my W that she needed to be able to be alone and, then, want to be with me. I will not be a fallback plan, nor will I be second choice. I'm no longer her rescuer. The most I have given her is, a trusting ear. I let her talk and I do not criticize nor do I ridicule her. I want her comfortable in talking with me.
You know your W well enough to know when she's full of bovine excrement. let your BS detector guide you. Personally, I'm afraid if you rescue her at this point; she will have not learned anything. You will just have affirmed that you will take care of her when she needs it.
But would I be tempted to rescue my W in different circumstances? Probably, just because it's in my nature. but part of the DB process is getting yourself healthier and practicing 180s; so here I am.
I'm praying for you buddy. This chit ain't easy; and its hard to watch the one you love goin' down in flames. But we can't "fix" em brother. They have to "fix" themselves.
I've talked to her 2 times this morning and yes she is talking about termination. I asked her point blank:
Do you want to terminate because you think that is the only way I'll take you back? Her answer was "I think that will help us and the other reason is because if I have this baby I/we will always have to deal with OM and I don't want that".
She stated again how much she misses 'us'. Us = me, her and our daughters (her words). She wants to go on a family vacation, doesn't want to have separate bday parties for the girls (which we are in the middle of right now), etc. It's like the light has finally went on in her head what she would be giving up.
What is a little bit different in my mind and the reason I tend to believe her is that she first asked about moving back in December. I politely declined at that time and I've witnessed her 'dis' engaging from OM since. Not completely, albeit, but I know she hasn't seen him for the last 10 days or so. 10 days doesn't make up for what we've been through, but it is a step. Additionally, she's done this without me asking her.
We've got a tough road ahead. I owe it to my daughters and myself to make every effort to make it work. Worst case scenario is we end up D, which is where I thought I'd be anyway. I won't like it, but if that is where we end up. I can handle it.
I've talked to her 2 times this morning and yes she is talking about termination. I asked her point blank:
Do you want to terminate because you think that is the only way I'll take you back? Her answer was "I think that will help us and the other reason is because if I have this baby I/we will always have to deal with OM and I don't want that".
She stated again how much she misses 'us'. Us = me, her and our daughters (her words). She wants to go on a family vacation, doesn't want to have separate bday parties for the girls (which we are in the middle of right now), etc. It's like the light has finally went on in her head what she would be giving up.
What is a little bit different in my mind and the reason I tend to believe her is that she first asked about moving back in December. I politely declined at that time and I've witnessed her 'dis' engaging from OM since. Not completely, albeit, but I know she hasn't seen him for the last 10 days or so. 10 days doesn't make up for what we've been through, but it is a step. Additionally, she's done this without me asking her.
We've got a tough road ahead. I owe it to my daughters and myself to make every effort to make it work. Worst case scenario is we end up D, which is where I thought I'd be anyway. I won't like it, but if that is where we end up. I can handle it.
In the end bro, like it or not, this is her decision, not yours, just be there to be supportive, not tell her what to do, listen to her when she wants to talk about it but just let her know that regardless of whatever decision she makes, you won't judge her and you will always make time to talk to her about this and how she feels about this.
In the end, this is all you can do about this, it's her decision to live with and your decision to support her regardless of what she chooses to do.
She did decide to terminate her pregnancy. Morally, that is not the decision I thought she would make, but she did. I did not and will not judge her for that.
I received advice both for and against allowing her to move back in with us. I did allow that and she has been there since Friday the 26th. Our time together has been pleasant. She has stated more than once that we need to work on us, we need to 'make it work' and she wants to do that. She has apoligized numerous times for her actions and what that has put us (me and our daughters) through.
It's not exactly romance city at our house, but it is a start. If she had her way, I think she would want me forget everything that has happened and start over. I can't do that yet, but hopefully in time I can forgive completely.
I'm apprehensive and I'm truly going into this with no expectations, but in my heart I do beleive we will work this out and become 'husband and wife' again. Time will tell.
As I said in previous post though. If it doesn't work, I'll know I did everything I could and I'll be better equipped to handle it emotionally. I know I can live without her and raise my girls. I did it for 6 months!
If you two are serious about getting back together, maybe you should both go to counseling BEFORE she terminates.
What might end up happening down the line is resentment for the termination. It is a strong moral choice and you don't want either of you to have it on your conscience where you're blaming the other.
Just my 2 cents. Good luck.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Make sure that you continue to work on YOU! don't do what many do and continue old ways of interacting. I'm concerned that the stress of the termination will add to what is already on your plate. Both of you should seek counseling.
You still need boundaries...she needs to provide transparency...
I've had a few false reconciliations...but DB'ing has given me a different outlook on life that I wish I had had during earlier reconciliation attempts.
