I've been posting in Newcomers for a while- not sure how to post my sitches, they are as follows: "Please Help" in WAW "Mere months from Separation" newcomers "Is there hope" on Newcomers...
The breakdown is this- W has checked out since Sept...she had an infatuation w/ OM1 that ended Early Jan, and now OM2 since late Jan. She moved out 1 month ago, and after I busted the A's, she now is officially in a R w/ OM2- as reported on FB.
I have had alot of support from other members, and it seems like my sitch is gaining momentum in the wrong direction.
I would like to know from other people is there anything left for me to cling to as far as hope?
W has not filed yet, nor have I- W has not told me she wants a D, but our mutual friend has told me from W.
I try to focus on myself, I feel Ok, but REALLY DONT WANT TO GET A D.......I love my W very much
wanted to fill you in on something. W is supposed to be over to pick up some things.
i am tempted to tell her that it is still my job as a husband to be emotionally involved w/ her- that i have obligations and committment to her, and that she needs to free me from those things by filing- so that I can move on w/ my life and free myself for other people.
I cannot do so if I am still a H, even if my W is not there and not a part of my life.
I know this is probably pursuing, so I thought I would throw it out there for ideas...
1. You need to first start calling a spade a spade, your wife isn't "in a relationship, she's having an AFFAIR.. they are VERY DIFFERENT ANIMALs"
2. Its also your job to protect your wife from the "grass is greener mentality" and momentary infatuations - these aren't MEN she's cheating with, they are PREDATORS.. they are exploiting her emotional vulnerability, it is your responsability to protect her from THEM.
3. Pursue no, PROTEST and EXPOSE -- YES.
4. Educate your wife, get her into family therapy and teach her what marriage means in relation to an affair... and the dangers of infatuations and fantasy... she will just get used and hurt in the long run... my wife got used bigtime.
I understand that it is an affair- the problem is no one else see it that way; and as I mentioned the two of them have been outed by me so they decided to make it public- perhaps less guilt that way.
I saw W lastnight- her mother has already met the guy, the three of them had dinner on Monday night. OM is divorced and 8 years older than W. They were born in the same hospital and went to the same college. I asked if she was in love, she said no. I asked if there was something there, she said maybe, I don't know.
I am interested in getting more advice from you on this.
There is alot of stuff that is changing. W was on antidepressants for years, she's coming off of them now, W has worked 7 days a week for the last 2 years, now she's taking a day off on the weekend.
These are two things that I recommended years ago- she's doing them now for this new R/A- but wouldn't do it for our M.
I cannot understand it and I feel if I mention it to her- it is pursuing.
She has sabotaged everything as far as our attempts at Piecing over the last 6 months- and this is now the second EA/PA with a new man.
She is not interested in therapy.
Please let me know what you think, b/c I am tempted to speak w/ her about it.
As you know your daughter, my bride- is having an affair. I know she is her own woman and is free to do what she wants. i know in her head the marriage is already dead. I also know that you will respect your daughter's wishes, no matter what.
Affairs are addictive and fantasy- there is nothing real about them, they are infatuations of excitement and attraction and newness. I can only imagine- as the last time I had that feeling was when I first starting courting W. You know as we all do that the newness begins to fade and the fatasy dissipates, as reality of life sets in and the "love chemicals" in your brain have less effect- I've read books on this.
That typically takes 3-6 months to happen-inevitably, she will get to where she is now w/ me- and she can eiother buckle down and go to therapy and fix problems, or find someone new.
Of course she's going to say she's happy, b/c she doesn't have those feelings for me b/c we've been together for 6 years.
I believe in marriage- I believe in working on something that can and needs to be fixed.
W now is taking days off of work, I am happy for that and made that suggestion years ago. She is also coming off of her meds...another suggestion I had made.
I know you do not want to get involved. As a husband it is my job to expose the affairs and protect our marriage, and protect my wife from people w/ no regard for marriages.
You may not respect what I've been doing in order to do this, and I know that this causes you stress b/c it's easier not to think about.
MIL- I will quote you from our wedding, where you were dressed beautifully in brown..."I have no doubt that (brides name) and Grooms name) will be happy together forever."
You are my mother-in law, you are my family too- you have been married and you know what it takes, you are a beautiful woman and you know what it feels like when someone new notices you and takes an interest...
I will not contact you again after this (I know you've heard that before ). W will divorce me so she will no longer feel guilt from the last 6 months. Or she can open her eyes and see what happened to us, and seek family and marital counselling w/ me and turn things around.
If she divorces me w/ another man in the picture- she will not be doing it while in a sober mindset- and that is unfair to all of us. You can have a beautiful family the way that was planned 2 years ago- w/ a son in law who is who he promised to be, but failed until now.
The changes W is making right now would have benefited our marriage, just like the one's I have made would also have benefited us.
I will respect W decision, but I will not support it, and until we are divorced, I will call her relationship what it is in the eyes of God, INFIDELITY.
But I will not hold grudges.
I love you very much, and I appologise if this brings you grief- but it is stressful for a reason, the affair is immoral and wrong. Any husband who loves his wife would do the same. You too can make a stand- and help me protect something that you once believed in-
Just to catch you up- MIL has never been supportive- I have outed the prior EA/PA as often as I could, w/o so much as a reply from her.
I may just need to accept the fact that busting the A is not going to do anything b/c W doesn't believe there is anything wrong w/ it- she is going to file soon.
I agree that there is logic and justification in fighting for my M, I also believe that OM is a womanizer- it might just be that OM is who W wants to be w/- he is almost the polar opposite of me.
I feel that these boards help me- but the things I've done to out the A do not seem to help me in the least- i look like the STBX in full blown denial, and incapable of accepting the reality that is.
DON'T SEND THE LETTER. It's way too long, you're trying to "teach" her, and I don't think it will accomplish what you're trying to accomplish (btw, what ARE you trying to accomplish?).
I'm slammed at work at the moment and don't have the time to go thru it point-by-point, but I simply HATED it -- made me cringe.
Maybe Allen and the others will have a different take. Your call, of course, as always.
