Just want my H back

[Onthemountaintop]

15 months...that is long.

I feel good for you hhh! You tried a lot longer than I would have, and longer than many others. You can carry your patience in pride~

Maybe the title should serve as a legacy to your efforts and hopes, like a becon that reminds people you were here and you tried what you could?

[pearlharbr]

hhh, you are absolutely on the right path. You sound SO much better now than your down times, I hope you can see that. I know you're annoyed that H is leaving the decision making to you yet again, I understand that from my own experience. You'll know if you want to just get it over with or if you want to wait him out and make him do it.

OTMT, it would be beneficial if you read more than just the last couple posts on a thread before offering advice, especially when the thread is longer. There is a lot of history behind what is currently happening and your comments showed your ignorance of hhh's sitch. IMHO, if you want to be helpful, start by familiarizing yourself with someone's story before offering advice that sounds judgmental. Or at least acknowledge that you aren't familiar with the back story and qualify your comments as coming from this perspective.

[25yearsmlc]

I was actually trying to figure out how to change the name/title of my sitch, but couldn't? I need to reflect one more of moving on. OTM, I appreciate where you are coming from but I'm getting tired of false hope. My H left 15 months ago and has not shown one iota of wanting to work on the M; I think I have no choice but to move on. He hasn't even been a friend to me most of this time..and while I felt optimistic about our lunch, i think he's back to his old ways of passively waiting for me to take action. After being in limbo-land for over a year, I'm tired of waiting for him to come around. And while the thought of officially ending it does still provoke a bit of panic (and a lot of sadness when I remember the good times) it's not really a M now anyway. I don't think he's reconsidering, and frankly, if he is, wouldn't my stepping up to the plate here ('tough love', demanding a bit more respect, doing what's best for me) really bring that out in the open? I almost think it's the action that I have to take now in either case...moving on for me (b/c I am just about here anyway) and also if he were to ever 'wake up' (but I'm not doing it for the latter). I don't see how the consequences of my actions would push him away further at this point - as Pearl and others have rightfully told me, he is already gone. Of course it would be nice to be able to DB realistically a bit more here, but at this point I don't think there is anything I can proactively do to save the M, but accepting the reality of my situation and doing what's best for me at this point.

once again, I say, "you get it"...and yes, it's sad that things ended as they appear to have. But there's a diff between giving up, which you did not do, and accepting what life has thrown at you and graciously dealing with the reality you were handed....You are doing the latter. You know it inside. YES I do have 2 family members who div and then remarried their exes, BUT it was years before they reconciled, and NONE of them "waited" for the other. They all moved on.... and found each other later. Your h knows how to look for you if the time comes. And you'll see how your life is then...and how he is, and all that will be revealed in time if it is to be.

Good luck, I think your thread name should change and I'd love to hear from you when you are on the side of "surviving" this ordeal. IT's a valuable experience no matter what, b/c you are a diff person. Keep the growth going....make THIS pain worth something....make sense?

J-

[talia]

HHH,
I agree with the everyone here! You are definitely on the right track! You keep doing what you think is best for you and you can't go wrong.

My suggestion for waiting till your in CA was half kidding. My point - although I think you get it - was that if you aren't ready to pull the trigger now you don't have to. If you felt waiting was best for you, there would be the added benefit of making him go to CA for D. That's all Whatever tough love method you feel works for you will be the right one.

On a personal note - I feel the same way you do about filing. I'm at a point where I kinda want to file and just be done with it. At the same time I refuse to let H get away with turning my life upside down AND making me end it because he's a coward. Maybe its vindictive... but now that we are moving toward D... HE has to MAN UP!! Just my take on the cowardice...

I think you have a very very clear picture of who H is now and who he has been for the last 15 months. I feel like you have come soooo far from your down times when I first "met" you.

Keep up the PMA!!

T

[hhh]

Hi Friends,
Hope you all had a nice weekend! I've been so busy/consumed with moving lately that I haven't really had time to deal with the filing issue, but something that is still in the back of my mind. Goodness - so much to be done but taking it one day at a time. I sold my car on Saturday...this may sound cheesy but I was really proud on myself. H used to take care of this kind of stuff. Put on craigslist and hours later it was gone. Huge relief. At one point I felt nervous and wished H was there - things like getting in car with a stranger to test drive. But I used my gut and sold it to a wonderful couple w a baby (man had gone through D himself years before). So major check off my list b/c I was worried I'd be dealing w that last minute. Moving is a lot of work, and I've always had H deal w most of the stuff around our past 3 moves. So good test for me to tackle everything on my own, I guess. Then some much needed down time this weekend and starting to think about boxes, cancelling memberships, etc etc. Have also gone on a few dates lately which has been a ton of fun, there are some great people out there and I'm learning so much more about myself.

As to filing stuff, definitely better to do in MA. (actually even if we filed up to a year from now, it would still legally need to be a MA divorce (up to a year from where you last resided)...plus I'd could be much more screwed fin'lly doing it in CA. Yes I still toy with this. It's exactly the patterns my H showed in our M, waiitng for me to take care of certain things. Talked to IC about last week, and we talked about how even though I don't want this it may ultimately be what I need to do to take responsibility for my life and formally move on.

So I find myself still a tad nervous about sending the email I had crafted a few posts back. I'm pretty sure it's the right thing to do, but I know it'll inevitably open up the filing discussion again. Part of me is yikes! Part of me is, stop being scared! Take your life back. Yes we are legally still M but this is not a M. I had many questions about the respect issue few posts back b/c I want to figure out what is the best path for me to get H's respect: being amicable/agreeable, or being a bit more tough-line with him? I've read a lot of other posts where the 'tough' love stuff has been very successful, not tolerating H's that walk out, have affairs, aren't committed etc. But I don't think that will make much diff in my sitch now. I keep trying to think 'what is best for me' as my guiding factor here, as I figure out what approach to take. Advice and feedback welcome here!

Overall I am in a much better place. The moments will come and go...even cleaning some stuff out on Fri I came across old notes and pics from my bachelorette party, wonderful cards from H. Got a little teary eyed, but that lasted 5-10 mins max and I went back to getting things done. Woke up feeling happy the next day. These past 6 months overall I know I've been in a much better place than the first 6 months of last yr (those were rough!)..I definitely had a set-back last month, but it only lasted about a week overall, with a couple days in particular being the roughest (that's often when I come on to this site). Interesting seeing my friends in NYC the other weekend, they were like "you seem SO much better" It felt good to hear b/c I don't always feel that way myself. Day to day I do not feel myself pining for H anymore; I'm excited about what the future holds, but this final final 'letting go' is still a tad hard (more when I think of the good memories and the bigger picture stuff). All else is going fine and I keep pushing myself to get out there and meet new people. Peace to all. -hhh

[jasper67]

Good for you selling the car- a great empowerment knowing you can do those things for yourself!!

Glad that you are in a good space and letting H know about the state of the M.

Keep getting out there!

[pearlharbr]

Yay for selling your car! It is empowering, just like learning how to use power tools. So does this mean you'll be relying on MUNI?

I understand about wanting to make H man up and file. But sometimes it's just not going to happen and you have to do it yourself. If it won't hurt you legally or emotionally to wait then I say wait. Just live your life and move forward. If at any time it does start to hinder you then you have to be the mature and responsible one to get things done. It's not fair, but life isn't fair.

Just keep doing what is best for you.

[hhh]

Thanks Pearl. I always appreciate your advice. I'll be using muni for the time being, then probably getting a new car at some point (last care old anyway, and expensive to ship x-country)

I am getting things done! I cancelled memberships, comcast, gas/electric for dates I am moving out...threw away bags of junk just no longer needed anymore..felt like a bit of spring cleaning and felt good.

Here's the dilemna about the filing stuff. While I may not be ready to prance down to the courthouse myself, I do kind of want to send H that email...spelling out on paper the tuition payback agreement, and letting him know that I did ask L about all of the forms we had to fill out. Yes it could open that discussion, but here we are in some ways anyway. I also worry that if I wait too long - and don't spell these terms out explicity - he may retract (on his agreement to pay me back). We spoke briefly on Sat about car question, and he mentioned needing to come over and get his stuff weekend before I move out. Then asked me if I wanted all the furniture (yes, I think..)

Is there harm in sending it? In some ways isn't it manning up myself a bit more, not letting him cake-walk too much anymore? Isn't the 'gucci' method more along lines of pushing things along? I know there are so many approaches, and sorry if I'm not 'getting it'. As I do move forward with my life, and start to date others - I feel like it might hold me back if I stay married indefinitely. Funny how people are: I recall a convo H and I had back in Sept, where he said he wanted to move ahead with D, and then said to me: "so are you not going to file?" Yes he wanted it and yes he expects me to do it.

Things will turn out as they should I guess. Some days I don't think about as much and really don't care about pressing the filing, and others - more lately - I feel like I'm wanting a fresh start if this is happening anyway. Do you think there's any harm in sending the email just spelling out tuition stuff we had agreed upon (timing of payment, in writing) and that I got the ?s answered (these were questions HE asked ME to run by the L, mind you)? Yes it could get ball rolling but also could let him know I won't put up with this WAS/limbo anymore? (more a la gucci method, and some past advice you've shared as well).

Maybe I am overthinking this all too much. I am trying to get my ducks in a row. I feel like I am getting there, it's just hard to take action.. When you kicked BF out Pearl, you were really really done at the time? (By that point you did not care if your actions formally ended it, b/c you were already done, right?) Just curious, as I feel like I'm getting there..
Peace to all, and keep me posted on how things are going for you!
Kindly,
hhh

[pearlharbr]

Yes, I do think you should send that email. You need to have things agreed to in writing. Personally I think you should file too, just to get things rolling on your terms. But I understand if you aren't at that place yet.

When I kicked BF out I was D-O-N-E. I was tired of all his crap and decided to take control of my life.

[talia]

HHH,
Sounds to me like you need a little more information to push you in one direction or another... so send the email. I don't think there are huge implications to it and the response will push you in the right direction. At this point you need to move one way or the other - can't keep going like this - so you might as well give the sitch a little kick in the jimmies!

The answers will come!!! I think you may already know what they are... time to close your eyes and jump!!!

T