I never wanted the label, never wanted the stigma, never wanted to be one of "them." Most especially, I never wanted my boys to be labeled "children of divorce."
It ate at me for a long time. It was in many ways as difficult to overcome as the loss of my ex-wife in my life.
Slowly I began to realize...I don't do labels. I'm a teacher and I refuse to label the kids I teach. I refuse to characterize a person because of a characteristic or belief system they hold.
So why was I so worried about being labeled "divorced?"
I prefer to choose to be the exception.
They say kids are scarred by divorce. I choose to believe that I can have something to do with my boys NOT being scarred by their parents divorce.
They say that second marriages fail at a higher rate than first marriages. But I choose to be the exception, knowing that this new marriage will, this time, last until death do us part.
We all have our periods of wallowing in the mire. In some strange way I think we need a little bit of that just to process the massive shock this is to our system.
But each of us get to choose how long we stay there. I'm not going to be another stereotypical divorce statistic.
There's too much good life out there still left to be lived.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I'll post some now more when I get a chance to read more of your sitch.
Talking about the OP:
My wife has had 2 definites, a possible #3 and I think she is interested in #4. Some days it is difficult for me to think about. Others I realize that they are not getting my wife, but a very damaged person. She is looking for someone to give her that "in love" feeling. She confuses infatuation with love. After it wears off the relationship ends.
OM#1 was her boss. He got her pregnant. She had an abortion. She claimed at the time she left me that she loved both of us. Their R ended about a week or two after she left me. OM#1's current wife worked for him and he left his 1st wife for her.
OM#2 was an old friend of hers from grade school. She claimed he was her soulmate. This a mere 2 months after being "in love" with OM#1. This R lasted 4 months. She got pregnant. Had a miscarriage. OM#2 was in and out of jail.
Possible OM#3 I don't know if it ever went physical but I read a letter she wrote to him saying that he made her feel like no one else had before. Really? BTW she met this winner at a bar and he's married with 5 kids.
I think she now has "feelings" for another old friend that she just found on FB.
In short, each one is nothing to me.
I would lie if I said it didn't hurt in some way but I also understand the why's. I understand that depression makes her feel dead inside and the initial infatuation makes her feel alive again temporarily. I dig deeper for patience until the time comes that she realizes what love truly is and that's what we had.
It's funny. There are times that she does things that reflects that true love and she doesn't even realize it because her perception of love is skewed.
You never know what you truly can handle until you're actually put to the test.
When I read of some of these failed and repeated affairs, I wonder if the brain releasing excess levels of dopamine, pheromones, serotonin and oxytocin also causes a person's IQ to go down by 20 points or more. Surely when affairs fail, the sudden lack of such chemicals being produced must cause some sort of depression.
Is it possible that a failed affair or loss of fantasy can lead a person into an MLC? It seems a chicken or egg quandry - which came first the affair or the MLC?
In my wife's case it was definitely MLC first. I can track the trigger back to 05 and can see the changes in pictures over the years. Her 1st affair wasn't until 10/08. But prior to that there were instances where she would say if different things would change she would be happier. The changes she wanted would happen and it would appease her for a short period but then I believe the pain comes back.
It's the depression that cause these behaviors. THere's a void that they feel is there and they're trying to fill it. Short term highs whether it be infatuation, drinking, buying stuff etc
Yes Eric, the one thing you will always have to do is work on yourself...you have to become the person YOU want to be with...
We all make mistakes....it happens.
So detaching is for YOU...no one has the real answers...your wife will either come back or she won't. you gotta be okay with either way. Or you make a stand on one side of the fence. This may not be popular here.
Funny you should talk about the mirror...I remember one night sending a text to my X asking him why he didn't love me anymore and he said: look in the mirror.
I had to really look and see what was good and what was not...it was very difficult. However, I did it...and I made some changes...am STILL changing...I like who I am today much more than then.
Are you strong? I have no idea...but you will find out. At the end of the day...you will find that you are indeed strong...so much more than you could have imagined.
Keep sharing my friend...
Valentine
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
One of the hardest parts of this journey will e looking in the mirror honestly...seeing the demons that are there...controlling them...and then changing them. Be forewarned.....this doesn't take a day, week, or month...it takes a lot of time and work on yourself. If you think you made the changes in a week...you are wrong....it will eventually become and everyday thing for the rest of your life.
Thanks Lost. Right now I just feel pain. I have moments of strength followed by moments of pain. I know I will make it but that does not ease the pain of watching the one u love totally cut u off.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Right now I just feel pain. I have moments of strength followed by moments of pain.
That is very typical. I have been at this getting close to a year now and still sometimes get overwhelmed by the pain. It does get easier and those times get further between. Let yourself grieve (just not in front of your W or the kids) - it is a necessary part of the process for healing.
Completely understandable.....remember the key is TIME. It does get better with time and the pain will get less (Hint: Use the pain proactively...when you hurt the worse work out harder, run faster....turn the pain to energy and then energy into self improvement).
Remember the wise Buddhists monks are born with immense knowledge....they learn it over time.
