Hey all - I found this very interesting thread in Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy that has some good discussions. Not sure if it applies much with Eric's situation now, but it is quite thought provoking...
I don’t think I have ever said too much about this subject, which is sort of surprising even to me…
So here goes…
My H’s first A, was exposed to me and the world, by friends of ours. It was a horrible horrible way to find out. It was humiliating. It made us both angry, for different reasons, but it did not change anything, and it did NOT end the A. That took another 3 months.
The second A, I knew, and fought with him over if for a while. Then finally one night, I called her H. To find out where his W was. He didn’t know. That made for much shouting in their house that night as well as much shouting in mine (and it was funny that they both got home at the same time, 4 hours after they were out of work, but they HAD NOT been together). But it did not end the A. That one didn’t end for another year.
OW3, (the order I found out) and OW4 overlapped each other. I actually called OW3 to let her know about OW4, and to tell her she really wasn’t very special considering. Apparently, it didn’t bother her that much because she still contacts H once in a while and it has been since 07.
OW4, well that is the woman he is still involved with. Openly now. I have never spoken to her. I don’t know if she knows that OW3 came along in the middle of her A with my H. I don’t know if she knows that he was still having sex with me until last fall. I don’t know if she knows he still tries to get me to sleep with him. I don’t really care. I also don’t know if either of them, 3 or 4, knows about OW5. He doesn’t know that I know about her. That was a very short lived situation.
Having handled the situations from both approaches, I know that, for me, not exposing was a lot less painful. Was it horrible when I ran into OW5 at Lowe’s and she acted like nothing had happened? Absolutly. Did it kill me to not rip her head off in the middle of the store? Sure did at the time. But looking at it now, I am glad that I just went about my business like nothing happened.
H and I did not have to argue about it. I did not have to listen to him lying about lying. I did not have to listen to the “she is just a friend” crap that I know is far from the truth. I also didn’t have to listen to him berate me and make it my fault (which it isn’t) that he has to have these friends. So on a personal level, it is much better for me to not have exposed the A. I also find that I had much less anger about it. Probably because I didn’t have to listen to his spew in addition to knowing what he was doing.
Exposing it hurt in more ways than I can describe. And it did no good. It did not have the desired outcome. It did not end anything and brought more pain and suffering onto myself. The first two, I thought if he could tell me why, then I could forgive him easier because I would would have the understanding. I was wrong. All I had was hurt feelings, memories of words about me in comparison to them that still haunt me sometimes. And very little of it was even true. Yes there were things that I did wrong and needed to change, and I did that. But those changes didn’t keep him from seeking out OW3,4, or 5. And you know, the spew when I confronted him about 3 and 4 was the same spew, even though I had changed some of the complaints, that occurred with 1 and 2.
I have a theory about that. I think it is because he didn’t and still doesn’t know within himself why he is actually doing this. What he is looking for. Maybe someday down the road he will be able to figure that out. I don’t know. What I do know right now is that he is 3+ years involved with OW4, has had 2 other A’s in that time frame, cheated on her with me, and if she knows and is still there, she is the fool, if she doesn’t know, well I am not going to be the one to open that can of worms. He is her problem now as far as I am concerned.
Looking at it from this standpoint, it really is pretty sad. Food for thought.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Agree completely, it is sad. The first few hurt and you want to try and stop it...the next few you care less and work on yourself. By the last one for me...I wasn't angry about the affair so much as angry that it was affecting my life (losing certain opportunities to GAL because I had to watch kids, etc).
What I do pick from Cat's situation though...is the fruitlessness of exposing affairs in the MLC environment. It will go on.....and I think contrary to what the hard line tactic people say...a majority of the time it will just be pushed farther underground or hasten the pace to divorce.
Kerry - I read the thread and found it quite interesting. As I've had some time to think about confronting W - here are my views.
Background - I already confronted her about the 1st EA (a married family friend in another state). It did me no good. I got the typical, we are just friend, etc. speach. When I pushed hard and said that i knew and UNDERSTOOD that is was an EA and that I was partly (not completly) to blame - she confessed that it was an EA. I asked her if she loved him and she said she was not sure but that she knew he could not give her what she needed. She also went on to say that she had nothing to offer him. Both point to issues SHE has with her self worth. The next day we ML several times. It had been the first time, since the bomb. I, as everyone could have forseen - interpreted this as "she back" and pressed harder to have her end the A. She said she did not have to since nothing was going on (interesting this after the day she acknowledged it was a EA). I lost it, and said she needed to stop this or I would call his wife. Her response (I'll never forget it) was ..."I;ll stop because I don't want to hurt HIM". That line made me so pissed that I actually logged on and started downloading the divorce doc, which is when she said..."what r u quitting already". Talk about freaking confusing. So confronting here did not help. Okay on to the current....
This new EA (it may be a PA but who knows - I would like to keep the good memories of my S so I try and think that she will not cross that line. I keep these thoughts for me not for her.) is not worth confronting in my opinion. Why? First off, I would have to admit that in the past I was a controlling jealous husband, so by confronting her now I would only be acknowledging that I am still controling and jealous (although I am working hard to stop these habits). Why? The only reason I know about the new EA is by checking her phone, which I can now honestly say is controling.
Also, if I confront now, I would be handing her back the power to control my emotions and right now that is not a good thing for me or my kids. You see, I have come to realize that if she is going to want to be with me, that is a choice that she will make based on the man that I am becoming not based on her r with the OM or her other needs i.e. for the kids, finances, etc. You see I know now that I want her to want me for ME. Yes, it hurts to think that I may loose her but I would rather be truly loved that have someone living with me going thru the motions.
In closing, my opinion is.....I can agree with the approach of confronting in some cases but the reality is that it probably does no good in the long run. Then again guys I'm still a newbie at this.
Okay I've rambled enough for one morning.
BTW - good morning everyone. Had a very nice chat with someone last night - Although they do not want to hear it..err...read it...Thx's.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
