First of all, thank you for the clarification last week. I was just looking for concrete examples of what I have done/could be doing to get more respect from H. Totally get that retro was pursuing, and I've completely left that alone. I've read a lot on 'tough love' and other posts too, and trying to figure out how to best apply those concepts to my sitch. I don't think that the tough love stuff, unfortunately, is going to turn anythng around w H...so thinking through how can I best apply based on where I am today, so I stand up for myself in a positive way but also try to maintain this civility/amicability we have.
Had a busy but good travel week last week, even though I was stuck in storm! Fun trip up to NY with my best girlfriends (would have been funny to run into Pearl!) over wkend. Met a lady on Amtrak who wanted to fix me up with someone she knew. Get excited occassionally thinking about possibilities of meeting new people, dating (while still working on the 'letting go' of H...not 100% there, but getting there - somewhat a parallel process). Doing what I want to do. Didn't spend much time thinking about H while I was there...but ended up going to a party and running in to some of his business school friends! small world..they were all very nice though.
Not much else on the H front. A few simple email exchanges about housekeeping stuff, car. Doubt he's really going to be as 'helpful' with my move as he said he wanted to be when we had lunch. Maybe all talk on his part, whatever. But we had 2 takeaways. I was going to ask L one question he had about needing to fill out financial forms, and he was going to go to the Courthouse to get the proper paperwork. that was 10 days about and not a peep from him. ANd I moving in less than 3 weeks! I feel like he's being a bit of a coward and also reverting to his old ways (how he was in the relationship), having me take care of everything.
Talked about this w IC on Monday. It's frustrating. I never wanted the D, yet H is doing NADA to file or get the process rolling. We chatted briefly Sun night about car question I had, and he said nothing. He's going out of town this Fri for a week, then less than 1 wk till I move. I know we can take care of paperwork long distance (maybe after I'm out in CA), but if he's so insistent on wanting this to end, why doesn't he get ball rolling? A bit of a coward and a bit of wanting me to do it so he doesn't feel it;s all him. I don't think he's having 2nd thoughts. In some ways I'd rather just deal w the cards I'm dealt, rather than going and getting paperwork myself to begin something I never wanted - but I may have to do this.
So my plan is to email H later this week and tell him that yes, I spoke w L and he confirmed we both needed to fill forms out. Check. My work done. Then he can update me on his 'to do'. Also, I do want to get the tuition reimbursement agreed upon in paper, and timing-wise. I plan to email him about that.
What else can, should I be doing? I feel like I'm moving on in terms of move, dating, getting out there...but that final piece of cutting the cord is still a tad hard.
And in some ways, I'm just kind of annoyed with him. Good positive interaction last week but this whole 'i want to help you move' 'let me take care of this' etc i think is a bit of b.s. So now the ball is in my court to take action to the next place (when I never wanted it).
But I've stopped analyzing so much what i did and what he did and trying to be X-way to counter Y-way..I just want to be myself, and if he doesn't like or respect me anymore for what I've learned and who I've become, that's his deal.
I'm still trying to keep a good balance on the tough love/respect, acting in my best interest but still a sliver of DB in there. Thank you for your advice and keeping me on track. Sometimes I read other sitches/books about 'tough love' and all the gucci advice about being hard line/not tolerating x or y, but it may not apply to all in same way? Not sure. Don't think the 'kick to curb' mentality would work here b/c he's already so far gone, but again I need to remind myself that if it doesn't, it's probably b/c the marriage is already over. If he had any shred of reconsidering it might work, but if they are gone, they probably already were in all respects, don't you think? Just pondering this approach. What is best for me, what is most DB. And embracing what's yet to come..
HHH, Just move - don't let him help and see what happens. Worst case you do the paperwork long dist. Time for him to man up - you are going to be just fine. Make sure you have him sign something for the tuition before you leave - and get it done legally!!!
Otherwise - move and if you've been in CA for 6 months and he hasn't done the D yet - then YOU file in CA and make him come to you for the D
Have a great afternoon!!
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
Thanks Talia, I am thinking I might start this process before I leave; I don't think I want to drag it out that long. I am tired of being at his whim for everything. There is no M here and there has not been for a long time. And yet that final step is still a tad daunting, but as my IC said, sometimes you just need to jump!
The wheels are in motion for my move and while it's bittersweet, it's the right call for me. I know he’s waiting for me to take action, and I’m really kind of just wanting to get on with my life at this point. I know that can be done without final signage, but I feel like I'm just delaying the inevitable and holding on to false comfort. I am trying to do what’s right for me (still feeling that out but getting closer) and also perhaps the strongest tough love/agreeing to divorce amicably approach per earlier emails. {sometimes they seem a little contradictory, but i know they should not be].
It boggles my mind how he continues to do nothing, though, even when I fully agreed to D over lunch. So I was going to send him this email, mainly b/c he's got to get his random stuff out of the apt, and I want to agree on tuition payment and also let him know I answered necessary legal questions. What do you think of:
H,
Are you planning to come by next weekend to get whatever remaining things you want at the apt? What do you want to do with your dresser and closet of stuff?
Also, I wanted to let you know that I did speak with the lawyer about the financial question you had and he said we did both need to fill out the financial long forms. Also he said it would be a good idea to agree on the timing of tuition payment – ideally in writing – so we’re both on the same page. The total amount was $X. Would you prefer to break that up ˝ this year and ˝ next, or Xk this year, Xk next? Would June of each year be reasonable for you?
Hope work and everything else is going well. Kindly, h ------- My goal is to keep this amicable but also lay out what I think is reasonable. I feel like it might officially then start the process (legally, the paperwork, of moving towards D), but if we're going down this path anyway... and as Pearl and 25 have voiced before "you move on" either way...it will not impede potential for reconcil if it exists, and if it does not, you're in a better place anyway. I am starting to grasp this more and more...so no harm in sending this?
Thanks all, and peace. There is a silver lining to all of this..I have met so many new and interesting people and I am having fun again. Just need to get through this big move, and move on...
Pearl - I love NYC. Stayed near my old haunts on upper west, long walks through central park. I even entertained the idea of a 2-3 month sublet there after I move my furniture out to CA. 1/2 my friends are in SF and 1/2 in NY, and I just love the city, the food, the arts... either way I'll sit get there every 1-2 months. Spring in NYC is the best.
But CA - getting excited! Friends emailed me today that Spring is in full effect out there. After 16 years on the east coast (and 3 major falls in the ice/snow yesterday) I am ready for some sun and returning to my roots out there. It's an instant network - met a lady on a train who wanted to set me up with a guy out there - turns out he's friends of people I already know! Good things in store I hope...
Enjoy your last few months in CO and keep me posted if you guys are still doing SF! We can get some great dim sum out there as you well know. Hugs, hhh
I really want to go back to NY for a week in the spring after finding out what's opening this season!
I'm glad to hear that you're getting excited about the future. I'm back to being stuck about knowing what to do in mine. But I will be in SF even if it's just for frequent visits. I had great dim sum last time so we'll have to do lunch again.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 02/17/1010:53 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thanks Talia, I am thinking I might start this process before I leave; I don't think I want to drag it out that long. I am tired of being at his whim for everything. There is no M here and there has not been for a long time. And yet that final step is still a tad daunting, but as my IC said, sometimes you just need to jump!
The wheels are in motion for my move and while it's bittersweet, it's the right call for me. I know he’s waiting for me to take action, and I’m really kind of just wanting to get on with my life at this point. I know that can be done without final signage, but I feel like I'm just delaying the inevitable and holding on to false comfort. I am trying to do what’s right for me (still feeling that out but getting closer) and also perhaps the strongest tough love/agreeing to divorce amicably approach per earlier emails. {sometimes they seem a little contradictory, but i know they should not be].
It boggles my mind how he continues to do nothing, though, even when I fully agreed to D over lunch. So I was going to send him this email, mainly b/c he's got to get his random stuff out of the apt, and I want to agree on tuition payment and also let him know I answered necessary legal questions. What do you think of:
H,
Are you planning to come by next weekend to get whatever remaining things you want at the apt? What do you want to do with your dresser and closet of stuff?
Also, I wanted to let you know that I did speak with the lawyer about the financial question you had and he said we did both need to fill out the financial long forms. Also he said it would be a good idea to agree on the timing of tuition payment – ideally in writing – so we’re both on the same page. The total amount was $X. Would you prefer to break that up ˝ this year and ˝ next, or Xk this year, Xk next? Would June of each year be reasonable for you?
Hope work and everything else is going well. Kindly, h ------- My goal is to keep this amicable but also lay out what I think is reasonable. I feel like it might officially then start the process (legally, the paperwork, of moving towards D), but if we're going down this path anyway... and as Pearl and 25 have voiced before "you move on" either way...it will not impede potential for reconcil if it exists, and if it does not, you're in a better place anyway. I am starting to grasp this more and more...so no harm in sending this?
Thanks all, and peace. There is a silver lining to all of this..I have met so many new and interesting people and I am having fun again. Just need to get through this big move, and move on...
xoxo hhh
Perfectly written. You are getting it...No more "paralysis by analysis"... but More "GAL in CAL!"
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am thinking that HHH's question about fighting the D/not fighting applies a bit to my sitch about selling/not selling house to X.
If I fight for the house, it is very "more of the same." Closes all doors. Tears down any possible roads.
If I let go of the house, it is something different. Leaves us in an amicable place.
I had truly thought I was "done," but with the house issue, all sorts of "what ifs" and "maybes" are back to torture me.
If we have a horrible court fight, if he "loses" the house, he will hate me forever.
In theory--I don't care, or hopefully soon I won't care. God willing I get to that place.
I need to do what is best for me, but I am suddenly in an emotional whirlwind of--is there something I can do that would be DB'ish?
I was reading some of Gucci's threads--trying so hard to get my head/heart to a WAW place. I know I can ACT WAW.
But fighting over the house seems to me, at any rate, PERHAPS to indicate to X that I am not WAW? That I care something about the R?
When really, what I want the house for is a comfortable place with tenants that cover the mortgage. (and yes, we know, to keep X from moving OW in)
Any thoughts?
Aver,
where's your thread? Can you name it please?
J-
PS Do what's best for you legally/financially, and that IS Dbing when it comes to handling your property and money. FYI --don't be a doormat.
Take care of yourself. IF a Div has been filed and is happening, you have to separate the financial/legals from the relationship issues and you have L's do that for you. That's why you hire them. Blame them if you want, but you refer all those "businessy" questions to the L's while you are busy being upbeat and FUN to be around and all that and (So what if it costs HIM money to divorce "fun beautiful and friendly old you"? That is NOT about you, it's a financial consequence of a unilateral choice HE made....)
So keep it all separate. If he has questions, and they don't relate to you two and your R, but to property, deflect....refer....do not address without discussing with your financial advisor or attorney.....
Make sense? Trust me on this: He will NOT respect or love you more b/c you don't fight for what is owed you...in fact, if anything it'd be the total opposite.
Who cares if he gets mad? How old are you? NO OFFENSE!! But are you saying You can't handle someone being upset with you? Would you be LESS upset if you had to retire 5 years later IF EVER, all so you can have no conflict in the next 4 months?
If you remain calm and separate the issues from the relationship as if there are two entirely unrelated matters (property accumulation and the relationship ARE separate in my mind anyhow) then you'll come out the best way. NO, not without any waves but all in all, it's the smoothest and best. And to me, it's DBing as well. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It boggles my mind how he continues to do nothing, though, even when I fully agreed to D over lunch.
He might be reconsidering if he wants to take this step. I've been told to set my M goals - what do I want.
Consider carefully these days if your subject line has been forgotten because of fear or pain. If not, and you are sure, just don't rush. You have the rest of your life to enjoy and remember the work you do these months, as well as the consequences of it.
I was actually trying to figure out how to change the name/title of my sitch, but couldn't? I need to reflect one more of moving on. OTM, I appreciate where you are coming from but I'm getting tired of false hope. My H left 15 months ago and has not shown one iota of wanting to work on the M; I think I have no choice but to move on. He hasn't even been a friend to me most of this time..and while I felt optimistic about our lunch, i think he's back to his old ways of passively waiting for me to take action. After being in limbo-land for over a year, I'm tired of waiting for him to come around. And while the thought of officially ending it does still provoke a bit of panic (and a lot of sadness when I remember the good times) it's not really a M now anyway. I don't think he's reconsidering, and frankly, if he is, wouldn't my stepping up to the plate here ('tough love', demanding a bit more respect, doing what's best for me) really bring that out in the open? I almost think it's the action that I have to take now in either case...moving on for me (b/c I am just about here anyway) and also if he were to ever 'wake up' (but I'm not doing it for the latter). I don't see how the consequences of my actions would push him away further at this point - as Pearl and others have rightfully told me, he is already gone. Of course it would be nice to be able to DB realistically a bit more here, but at this point I don't think there is anything I can proactively do to save the M, but accepting the reality of my situation and doing what's best for me at this point.
