Had a REALLY fantastic weekend! I kept up the AOS campaign, and I also went out in the morning and bought the 5 Love Languages book, which I read from cover to cover that same day. It turned out that all the kids were out on Saturday night, and we had the house to ourselves. I really wasn't expecting anything much, but W really surprised me - as soon as she got home from driving S18 and D26 to their respective destinations, she announced she was taking a shower, which is her way of saying "Let's ML". So after her shower, I took one too (she appreciates this, not that I was smelly or anything), and then we proceeded to have one of the ALL-time sweetest LM sessions ever! I mean it was REALLY great, which really surprised me, because the last few times we've ML these past years, it has been really tepid and not much to write home about. THIS time, however, it REALLY knocked my socks off! She was really participating fully, and the whole experience really made me feel her love for me. WOW! Afterwards, we both filled out the Love Languages profile questionnaire, and it turns out that for her, both AOS and Quality Time are equal primary LL's - she scored 10 on both. As for Physical Touch, she's a 3, and I'm a 12 (big surprise there?). I'm also fairly high on Words of Affirmation, which also didn't surprise either of us. So now I know I'm on the right track with my AOS campaign, and I can also broaden it to include QT. Sunday I helped with the cleanup at breakfast, leaving the kitchen spotless while she was in the shower, and again in the afternoon I helped with the cleanup (she made pizzelles), and I barbecued hamburgers for supper, and then shooed her out of the kitchen and did the dishes myself. After that, we had a Boggle tournament for an hour or so, then read for a while and went to bed (to sleep) early. All in all a GREAT weekend! I sure hope we can keep up the momentum, but yes, I do realize there will be some backsliding, and there's still a lot of work to do, but what a GREAT start!
At some point when you feel that you have made the transition from a SSM to a "normal" sex life with the standard amount of marital troubles and challenges, maybe you could add some comments to Bagheera's sticky topic, "The Four Phases of SSM Recovery." Your post makes it sound like you have made some breakthroughs and significant progress between you and your wife.
In particular information that shares the time it took you and your wife to reach those phases that Bagheera describes and any key events, books that helped you at various stages.
Until I started seeing progress with my wife (I still feel like I am in an SSM, but just not quite as starved as I was a few months ago), one of the things that I really struggled with was how long change takes (if one is lucky enough for SSM recovery to happen) and what were reasonable goals.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
I was skimming your posts and wondering if I could ask you a question for my own sitch...Did you ever try Retrouvialle or other courses? Did they help if you did, or was it just a waste of time?
YoungAtHeart: I will certainly add comments to that thread if and when I consider my marriage as having been recovered - while we have made some early progress, I would definitely not say we've made any really important breakthroughs yet. I think I've mentioned that in our last counseling session, the C gave us a challenge to give up TV for 30 days. I've mostly held to that, having only watched TV twice since then, and not at all since Valentine's day, which has not been at all easy, given that the Olympics were on, but W has not been so onside with that. For instance, last evening she insisted on watching the closing ceremonies, so I spent the evening alone in our room, reading (finished the latest novel). I had wanted to ML last night, and had asked her earlier in the evening if she thought we could, but at the end of the evening, she wasn't up to it, so we had a nice cuddle-time instead. Meantime, I continue working on myself.
I think for us, counseling is going to be key. We have another session coming up Wednesday night, and I'm looking forward to it. The tricky part with counseling is finding a good C who can help. This is the third one we've tried - the first one neither of us was really impressed with, the second one I felt was good, but W felt she was taking my side too much. That leads me to think that W just isn't very interested in confronting some of the difficult stuff she needs to confront about herself. We'll see - so far we both seem willing to work with the current C, and I really think he may be able to help.
OnTheMountainTop: We haven't tried Retrouvaille, but many years ago (1981 or so?) we did do a Marriage Encounter weekend. It was good, but I think those things should be thought of as a good start, or a tool to get things moving in the right direction, but a weekend retreat isn't going to be a fix for entrenched problems.
As far as how long each phase takes, assuming the phases are a good general description of what actually happens (which I'm not completely convinced of, yet), I think it very much depends on a given sitch, such that there can't even be general guidelines to watch for - each sitch is just too different. Not sure, but I'll let you know...(and I'd ask the same of you...)
Do you think having so many older kids at home are part of the problem? Does she feel 'free' when she's out, but feel tied up to you and the kids (obligated) at home?
PS- thanks for the answer about Retro...
Last edited by Onthemountaintop; 03/03/1012:34 AM.
Do you think having so many older kids at home are part of the problem? Does she feel 'free' when she's out, but feel tied up to you and the kids (obligated) at home?
I think having the 3 kids at home is DEFINITELY a problem, but not one I think will be solved anytime soon, unfortunately. D26 has her Education degree, but the job market for elementary teachers is pretty thin at the moment. She is getting work as a substitute, but she's also deep in debt (mainly to us), so she won't be able to afford to move out anytime soon, and there's no BF or STBH on the horizon to sweep her off her feet and out of our hair, either, lol. S23 is just starting out as a sales rep for Xerox, and has yet to find his "sea-legs" as it were, and is also pretty deep in debt, but I think he'll be the first to move out, just not soon enough for my liking...
So, yeah, that's a problem, especially since we live in a 3+1 bedroom bungalow, not large, and not a lot of privacy. Still, we've been seen to go to bed early (around 10:30) lately, so my position is what the kids don't know... (but she's too inhibited).
And, no, if we're out, things aren't much better - we spent a weekend in Niagara Falls last October, and she wasn't too much more "free". (sigh). And it looks like no s-e-x this week, either, but we have a C session tomorrow night, so maybe something productive will come out of that...
There are teacher jobs in Alberta! We're a very clean province if you don't live by any oil refineries~
My 10 yr old said something like "I ignore those sounds at night"...I hope she means the neighbours...!!
Maybe if your kids heard, they wouldn't care. We all say "yuck" to the idea, but if someone asked if they wanted their parents to do it, I think adults understand it is important in a marriage and would feel better about it.
I can't remember if you said you were going to an IC yourself. If you are about to start, maybe you could get one that deals with sex related problems, too. Has she already passed menopause or is it just starting? Maybe there's some reason a doc, or an IC could work out with you or both of you.
Good luck with the MC tomorrow - I hope you can find a way to get your best side out there to sell her on future counselling. I found it hard to not get into an argument with my W. Not helpful at all...
Maybe if your kids heard, they wouldn't care. We all say "yuck" to the idea, but if someone asked if they wanted their parents to do it, I think adults understand it is important in a marriage and would feel better about it.
Yeah, that's the thing - it's not about what the KIDS would think, it's more about what SHE'S worried the kids might think, even if they suspected something, which, given the great lengths taken to avoid it, would be pretty unlikely. Truth is, they consider us boring old farts, and take very little notice of us. We could get away with incredible acts of daring, if only we (both) had the nerve...
And yes, she's well into menopause, and it's actually pretty much a non-issue now. To be honest, I'd be hard pressed to notice any difference in her sex drive between her 30's and now - i.e. it's never been about hormones, and it's never been in what I would call an acceptable range. My position at the moment is that if this round of counseling doesn't get us on track in some reasonable way, i.e. at the end of it, there's no appreciable chance of having the kind of marriage I'm wanting, then we're pretty much done - there won't be much else to talk about. But I work at not thinking in those terms, even now I think it's premature.
There may be some possibility of IC at some point, tomorrow is only our 3rd MC session, which so far have been at 3 to 4 week intervals, but going forward they'll be more like 2-week intervals, so hopefully we'll get to the meat soon. So far it's just been kind of preliminary. If the MC thinks one or both of us could benefit from IC, we'll go that route - we've found what seems to be a great practice here in town, with C's of various specialties working in a group, so I'm pretty hopeful that if there's any help for us, we'll find it there. Thanks for the well-wishes, I'll let you know how it goes.
