Wow. That's tough. It's something I guess I'll face at some point.
Here's my story, bear with me.
I was 12 when my parents finally divorced. I never really thought of it much until lately, but my mom went a little batty after the D.
She was living with a guy by the time she got D. He was a nice man who loved to fish. I hated to fish and he dragged me and my sister with him all the time.
That didn't last.
Then she got married again to a very nice man who was a newspaper writer. That's what I do today so obviously he had some influence.
That marriage lasted maybe four years. I mean he was gone by the time I left for college. We still see each other from time to time. He's a county employee now.
Then she was going to get married again to another guy -- but something happened with my sister -- and that scuttled that.
Then she started dating this real nice guy while I was in college and she somewhat stayed with him most of the rest of her life.
In her final year she met a guy over the phone, he was the telephone computer repair man. She was smitten, dumped her boyfriend of five years, flew down to Kansas City and married the guy.
When she died of an aneurysm shortly after that schmuck received 50 percent of her estate and my sister and I had to split the rest. They were married three months.
Even though I got along with all but the last one, I never for a moment considered any of these guys my father. I didn't throw it in their face, but to me these were my mom's husbands.
The second husband tried a little bit to work himself into the role, but it never took. You only have one dad.
So I guess I'm saying she may try to replace you but she CAN'T replace you and her efforts will only hurt HER in the end. You must not overreact, that's when it could hurt you.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
NoCode.... I hate to say it, but I think you are shooting yourself in the foot. You may have the moral high ground, but that and 75 cents might get you a cup of coffee. When you push for things you can't win, and can't control, I think you risk losing in the areas where you are right, and that you can control. Your righteous anger is very apt to backfire.
You are not going to be able to control who your X allows the kids to see, or under what circumstances. It just isn't going to happen. Just as she can't control what you do when you have the kids. The more you fight it, the more you risk losing the time you do have with the kids. As long as you protect that time, and use it to its fullest, you are not going to be marginalized as the father of the kids.
The idea that you would ever get a full accounting of how she uses the CS money isn't going to happen, either. Do you have any basis for believing that she should have to provide that? The only way I could see her being compelled to provide that would be if there was serious reason to suspect actual neglect. By insisting on it, you could end up looking like the angry, bitter man, and that isn't going to help you at all.
You are headed down a path of driving yourself insane trying to control things that you can't control. I believe that you would be much better served to make sure you do the very best you can in what you can control.
I am deeply upset by xW entangling my S's in her affairs, and coercing them to lie for her and accept her account of things. It's not that she and I have minor little quibbles that can be so easily set aside -- she purposely sets herself in diametrical opposition to whatever moral path I guide my S's along. The constant contradictions between my parenting versus her parenting have our S's thoroughly confused. And then she has started to bring the OM into the equation as counter to me in the fatherly role to these children, using OM as her trump card against my input to my S's.
Under those circumstance, I think I am supposed to get angry.
Instead what I am hearing is calls to "compromise, compromise". I should take it in stride and let it go, throw my children under the bus and save myself? None of you could really mean that, but that's the gist of what I'm hearing.
I understand that bitterness will be self-defeating to my cause. I also know there's really very little I can do about her actions, except as I have already done, which is to lodge a formal complaint with the PC. I have repeated the Serenity Prayer 'til it has become an automatic, knee-jerk mantra for me now.
I know the anger, righteous or not, needs to be kept in check or it will eat me alive. I can see the results of xW's anger in how she behaves. I've endured her angry belligerence for so long now that it is infecting me as well. I just want her to stop, to give us both peace, but she doesn't care -- she wants my total capitulation.
My patience and endurance is wearing thin. I try to give guidance and instruction to my S's during my week, only to discover that much of that foundation has been torn down by xW during her week. I feel like Sisyphus perpetually cursed to see that rock roll back down the hill again and again.
Perhaps I spend too much time here in these forums venting about this unrelenting source of aggravation. All I seem to do is illicit platitudes about serving my own self even at the expense of what I value most.
((((nc))) Sorry about my lateness in all of this but I will sum up..
I HATE it when people say that you should feel a certain way. It is absoultey fine that you are angry you have a right to be, and frankly knowone has the right to tell you how your Supposed to feel.
I do believe in comprimise.. but You are the one doing ALL of the comprising.. it takes its toll.
This place is for venting, not judging anyone. None of us are in the same exact situation, so we don't know how we would act. Some of us can tolerate more than others, some of us have higher moral standards than others.. Some of us have been going through this a lot longer than others have. Its all relative.
Please do not stop posting... I believe what you want is to be able to vent without being judged, just for someone to listen, and if so that is OK.
It irritates me when others think they know better, or how they could do it "better" that's not what being on here is about... Ive been at this since July 1996 and all I have ever wanted from this board is support and encouragement, not judgement or condemnment.
I may not always agreed with you, and I have let you know my opinion, but it is not necessary to make the other person feel like they are "not supposed to feel anger" because after everything you have been through, I wouldn't honestly wonder if you didn't feel anger. Of course you know that it has to be kept in check, and try to minimize the stuff when your sons are around, but you already know that, no need to go into that.
when feelings come into play, its a different ball game. It would be easier for me to tell you what you should do, but doing just that is easier said than done, when you are the one going through it.
You have given me tremedous support here, and have been a good friend to me for these past years.. I don't want to see you go. That's sounds a bit selfish, but I think you have helped many of us just not me and would be sad if you go. You are a wonderful Father and Friend and tried so hard to save your marriage, I only want good things for you.
T
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
No code, I don't think anyone is telling you that you shouldn't have feelings about what is happening. what I do believe is being said is to slow down, look at what you can control, look at what you CAN do, not wish you could do and focus on that.
Your ex is a master at messing with you, your emotions and your kids. If you take yourself out of that equation and see what she is doing you will be better off and so will your kids. Don't try to get information(or ammunition) from them. Let them enjoy the time with you. Be that great Dad that we know you are. Take back control of your life by NOT reacting to your ex's craziness.
My thoughts are with you. Hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I do think it's hard for some to understand; I think many people's WAS here are usually kind of normal, if you respond in a positive way, they respond in a positive or at least neutral way. I know that NC's and my WAS are not like that at all. It is tough to understand; I've lived with this now for a couple years, and I still don't really understand it. It's very tough to deal with long-term that's for sure.
NC, I hope you don't leave, b/c I consider you a great friend and support here. I know you know that!!! ((((((nc)))))
NC, This is my first time signing on to DB for quite some time. I have lurked from time to time but when I saw your post about leaving DB I signed on -- had a hard time remembering my password!
I know living with such strife day after day after day is anguishing. I think Karen had a good point about your ex's. It makes an already impossible situation even worse.
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but can't find any magical answers. Children need and want consistency in their life. Unresolved anger and frustration creates a significant barrier to co-parenting, that's for sure.
If she is going to marry OM, it is entirely in your right to request to meet him if he is going to have any kind of role in parenting your sons. If you can't communicate at all with your ex, perhaps it will be possible through him. (May not sound like an exciting plan but think of it as a 'back door' tactic.)
I hope you stick around. If I get the courage, I may come back. I'm about ready to throw in the towel in my M....
...and *HUGS* to all my friends here. (Thanks again, Irish, Kat, Karen.)
I haven't totally abandoned the DB forums as yet. But I am on hiatus, taking a break and just lurking. Other than sending a few messages via the alt, I am not really communicating as much right now. I'm just not feeling the need or seeing the purpose at this time to vent in a venue where many folks don't even try to understand anymore.
It's funny -- I don't pretend to presume the circumstances of my own sitch are normal, especially for the WAW in my case, and thus to assume I can make solid pronouncements to others of what can and cannot be done in their cases. I also have come to wonder if perhaps I no longer offer as much information that is relevant to many folks here in the DB forums -- not any longer.
But I don't know.
What I do know is that when I continue to receive advice based on false premises and projections of other people's situations and biases, I find it fruitless.
But then I can't very well blame other folks for not fully understanding the degree of insidiousness I am actually confronted with, as it took a long time for me to finally wake up to it myself. In fact, I still catch myself in absolute shock and horror at how unbelievably diabolical and over-the-top sinister my xW has become. So it's no wonder people assume I am overreacting.
Joie, I would consider trying to work with the OM if he were the sort of stand-up person one could half-way trust. But xW's OM is a lowly worm who has known my ex for over 14 years but has slinked around amidst the shadows. He's a coward who called my W a "friend" but never, ever bothered to meet me, but instead had the nerve to seduce my W. And even after the D, when they brought their R more out in the open, he still avoided me and remained hidden in the shadows. Now, after posing as a so-called "friend of the family" before my S's, he's playing the "daddy" game with them -- and allowing himself to be the pawn in xW's plans to alienate me from my S's.
As such, I could never respect such a person and certainly could never trust him. Frankly, I do not want him to have any role in parenting my S's. He is much too far from being a proper role model. If he weren't such a treacherous snake-in-the-grass that'd be one thing, but I cannot fathom what possible benefit my condoning such a scum-bag forcing his way into my S's lives would offer them. A demonstration before my S's of Magnanimity? Peace? Good Will?
Or weakness? Foolishness? Naivete? Reckless folly in the face of an obvious threat?
No. I have been much too trusting and willing to give the benefit of a doubt to folks like him in the past, and that has cost me far too much already. And where the stakes are the well-being of my S's, I am just not willing to take any such risks, especially on such an unrepentant -- and serial -- parasite.
...
Tomorrow is our cub scout pack's Pinewood Derby. And exW is trying to stir up trouble there too. S9 and I have been participating in the scouts as the core of our father-son activities. I became an assistant den leader to further my commitment to S9's participation. Now xW is threatening to bring her affair partner, OM, to the derby. I told her it was not a good idea, but she is insisting that OM is a part of the family now. And she is saying the pack meetings, the camping and the other activities are open to all family members, so she fully intends for her and the OM to participate in that with S9.
So I sent exW one last reply insisting that she was trying to encroach on my father-son R with S9, and to please "back off". It remains to be seen if she will respect my wishes and the R between me and my S's. She's already been trying to brain-wash my S's into thinking it is necessary for OM to be there.
(And I am certain she will do the same against me and S5 during his Soccer practice and games that start next month.)
If she does insist on interfering with me and my S's, she will only prove how uncaring she really is for them.
Now xW is threatening to bring her affair partner, OM, to the derby. I told her it was not a good idea, but she is insisting that OM is a part of the family now. And she is saying the pack meetings, the camping and the other activities are open to all family members, so she fully intends for her and the OM to participate in that with S9.
I wouldn't email her at all about that. I think she purposely does stuff to antagonize you; doubt OM is wanting to do that at all!!!
From what you've said in the past; you have friends there; they may treat your X cordially (although my friends at theatre and church do not do so & and are supportive of me). I can't even IMAGINE OW showing up at my church or theatre; she would be frozen in her tracks I think. I know YoYo had an experience like that; she acted like the classy person she is; and she had a similar experience too. Act like it doesn't bother you; focus on your kids and your good friends there. I expect that may never happen and certainly not a 2nd time...(((((nc)))) And btw, glad to see you post here!!!
And Joie, so good to see you posting here also!!! If you get a chance sometime; I'd love you to post an update!!!
