Why on earth would I even CONSIDER anything but a D. The reason I say that is last night W came down to tuck in D at bedtime. She then cried and told me she wanted to come home. I told her I didn't think I could do that. She has a child coming and he/she isn't mine. She just said "I know".
Originally Posted By: Curveball
As of now I'm still thinking a D is inevitable, but if I see a serious change in behavior and NO evidence of OM MAYBE I could reconsider. Am I freaking nuts or what?!?!
Pay attention to the 1st line of both of those paragraphs. never + maybe.....
That's what I'm saying - the never is the pain coming out, the maybe is the love you still have for her. So what do you want to do? Is your W worth raising someone else's child? This is not a question to answer in your next post, it is a question to answer 2 or 3 or 6 months from now. In the meantime worry about other things that aren't related to the outcome of a possible D. Putting that decision in the back of your mind while you work on yourself will generally make that decision for you.
Call me stupid or whatever you want, but despite my W leaving in 2009 for the 2nd time, the 1st time being in 2006 when she came back pregnant with OM's child, I wouldn't have traded 2007 or 2008 for anything. The separation in 06 I had little if any blame in, and resolved that if she ever left again I'd never take her back. Here I am 3 years later, having made some of the mistakes this time, owning up to my share, and realizing I love her enough to overcome a D from another man the last time and all the other strings she's pulling right now.
So yes, there still is a decision to be made. I'm not going to judge you either way, I just want you to realize that raising a stepchild is not the end of the world even under these shitty circumstances.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
What is she saying on the texts? Are they general or are they passionate? Is it possible that he is texting and she can't stop replying, or does it seem fully two-way?
If you feel she wants to stop, maybe you could set clear boundaries and be ready to follow on any reasoned consequences you impose.
I understand what you are saying about this not being the time to decide. In the back of my mind I know that and my actions (or inactions) support that. Example..I've told one friend about my W being pregnant. No one else. Why??? I don't know, I guess subconsciously there is this little voice that says you MAY not be done yet.
As I told my W months ago when she left. D is the easy way out. I'm just trying to make myself 'go with the flow' and 'let the chips fall where they may'. Cliche? Sure. But it keeps me going and keeps from throwing in the towel.
I don't know what is said on the texts. I've just been reviewing her phones activity via the provider's website.
I set a boundary before that she ignored. With the new circumstance of her expecting, I haven't attempted any boundaries as I've filed and determined I was done.
Maybe I'm wrong, but my thinking is that if she is sincere in truly wanting to reconcile she will stop the R with the OM. My fear is that if I offer to attempt a reconciliation (and I'm no where near that yet) she might accept, but not for the right reasons. More because she needs financial support and needs someone to pay (literally, not figuatively) for her child.
Maybe I'm wrong, but my thinking is that if she is sincere in truly wanting to reconcile she will stop the R with the OM. My fear is that if I offer to attempt a reconciliation (and I'm no where near that yet) she might accept, but not for the right reasons. More because she needs financial support and needs someone to pay (literally, not figuratively) for her child.
CB,
Check out this site. http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.php Your wife's mental illness is dangerous to the safety of you and your children. Protect, Protect, Protect.
Personally, I wouldn't even consider a relationship with your wife until she had completed several years of therapy and/or medication.
Before you decide if you want her (w/ or w/o child), can your wife be in a stable relationship with anyone at all?
.... Wait... Has she been diagnosed BPD or do you at least have heavy suspicion? I have suggested the thought of ppl's WAS's having BPD as my W seems to have a blatantly obvious case of it but is not diagnosed and when I see the pattern behavior in threads I bring it up as a possibility. BPD is serious, probably worse than bipolar, but is still manageable. Keep that in mind as well.
As far as her texting OM, remember that he is the new baby's father, and they will need to keep contact. Text messages still going on do not equal a R between them. Make sure to do some more investigating before deciding sending/receiving texts is your only argument for "knowing" they're continuing a R.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
She has been diagnosed with BPD. She manages it with medication and takes her meds regularly and sees her doc regulary. It definitely isn't a perfect situation, but she does/is doing all she can. I've never felt threatened for myself or my kids during our 8 yrs together.
Can she be in a stable relationship at all? Good question. I don't know.
With regard to the R with OM. I agree with what you are saying that texting in and of itself is not 100% incriminating. However, when I mentioned this morning that we could give our kids V-Day gifts tomorrow, her comment was 'I won't be home'.
I'm doing ok. Trying to accept what has happened without being a jerk about it. Luckily, between work and getting 2 little girls dinner fed, bathed, ready for school, etc. my 'free' time is limited. Not exactly GAL'ing, but it keeps me busy
W has been sending very confusing messages. She wants to come home, yet spends time with OM. Wants my opinion about various things she is doing/trying to do, yet mobile phone records reveal multiple daily phone calls/texts. One day I am 'ready' to move on as a single dad, the next I think just maybe I could/should lay down a boundary and see if it is crossed or not.
The problem is....what if she doesn't cross it. Then what am I prepared to do???
