AND... we both went to bed early, and the goodnight kissing was longer and sweeter than it had been. The kids were mostly still up, and no doubt noticed that we went to bed early. I can only guess what they would be assuming, but if we make a habit of it, we can assume they'd draw conclusions about it, which would mean we might as well be doing it, since they'd be assuming we are anyway. At any rate, it'd be easier. They'll soon notice we're doing things differently anyway, and the C sessions won't be possible to hide either. I'm thinking it'll be a GOOD thing for the kids to see their parents working to enhance the marriage!
And don't make the mistake of thinking that my current optimistic mood indicates any supposition on my part that I think everything is solved now - far from it. This is just the beginning, and I know we have a lot of work ahead of us, and a lot of crap to still resolve, but this does feel like a different sort of progress than we've ever managed before. I have fundamentally changed my attitude, and I think that changes everything. I will continue with the acts of service, and look for every opportunity to make her feel special by doing things for her. I know that this won't result in an immediate change on her part, but I've already begun to notice a definite thaw, and my own outlook is a lot rosier than it was just the other day. Onward!
Well, it is interesting to watch how things develop. This evening after work, once again I started looking around the house for things I could do as soon as I got home. For one thing, the dishwasher needed emptying, and there were a few things on the drain-board. So I emptied the dishwasher and put the stuff away, and grabbed the few dirty dishes from the counter and put them in the dishwasher. W came into the kitchen as I was about halfway through this, and thanked me (verbally). While she was there, I started to say I really think we should go ahead and post the Marriage Vision on the fridge, the bathroom mirror, etc. I'll post it in a separate post below so you can see it - there's nothing there I wouldn't be proud to show my kids and my parents. I made the case to W that in fact I think the kids will be proud of us when they really start to see how we're working on the M, and in fact they're going to start seeing changes very soon, because I, for one, am not going to be watching ANY TV, including the Olympics. I also said I think we should go ahead and tell the kids that we're seeing someone to help us make our M better, and if we present it in an upbeat fashion, I'm sure they won't react badly or get scared or anything - they're adults, after all. They don't at this point have ANY idea how bad things are between me and W, so I think they'll totally buy that W and I are just feeling kind of stale on things, and in a rut, and want to recharge our marriage.
Anyway, W started pushing back on a few things almost right away.
First of all, she doesn't want the Vision statement posted on the bathroom mirror, she said she didn't want to have to take it down every time someone comes over, at which point I countered that I don't see why we'd feel inclined to hide it from anyone. Anyway, she agreed we could post it on the fridge, and in the bedroom, and if I want to look at it while shaving, I can tape it up before and take it down after. Okay, I'll do things that way to start with.
Secondly, she wanted to say that she, for one, doesn't see why we should have to miss the last season of Lost, and she fully intends to watch it, and she also intends to watch at least some events in the Olympics, because that's a once-in-a-lifetime thing, even though it comes back in 4 years, this particular olympics will never happen again. I said I can understand that, and she's free to do what she wants, but I said I feel strongly that if I cheap-out on this task, I'll want to do it again, and before long, the process will certainly break down. I stated that this is really important to me, and I intend to trust the process and do what the C says we should do. I also said I did watch TV that first night, and felt bad about it after. So she's obviously going to not follow the process entirely, and this will undoubtedly come out in our next session, so that'll be interesting. Am I surprised? No. Somewhat disappointed, but not crushed. After all, the next session is only about 3 weeks away, and we'll get a chance to talk about it then, if we don't before, so that gives me the freedom to simply observe this and wait and see. This also tells me that I am changing things in a meaningful way, because it's already starting to bug her - it's touched a nerve. Since this will initially make her uncomfortable, this kind of push-back is to be expected.
After checking my email briefly, I came back to the living room and sat down to read. She was ironing, and she immediately started talking about another thing that happened in the last session - how the C had questioned her about her childhood, and expressed disbelief that it had been as rosy-sweetnes-and-light as she had described in her intake questionnaire (she apparently used the word "Loving" twice in one sentence, and listed nothing even slightly derogatory or upsetting about her parents). Anyway, she started saying how she felt the C was trying to get her to say that her father had been some kind of horrible monster, or looking for some kind of dirt, and that there just wasn't anything of the sort - her entire childhood had just been completely wonderful and perfect. She even used the word Perfect, I think. She was an only child until 14 when they adopted her brother at 4, so she got good and settled in that "princess" position, although she was always afraid of her own shadow, for some reason. Hmmm. Anyway, we talked about this topic for at least 45 min or an hour, and she was vigorously defending her position (to ME, her H of 30.5 years). I'm not a psychologist, but I know enough to suspect that a vigorously-defended position (pro-actively, when there's no attack anywhere) may indicate something one doesn't wish to examine too closely.
Anyway, we had a good long discussion, and I reiterated several times that I really trust this C, I feel he really has something to offer us, and I intend to follow through with what he recommends, and do his exercises fully. I'm also going to keep up with the AOS, to show her I am fully committed to changing things between us. I really do want to connect with her, and I want her to see that in a way she can fully trust.
W and I went to see Avatar a couple weeks ago. One of the phrases the characters used (the natives) was "I see you," which had many deep layers of meaning, but generally was used to mean "I understand you and know you deeply and completely." I want W and I to be able to say that to each other...
Okay, here's what W and I came up with for our Vision Statement for our Marriage:
1. We talk about our hopes and dreams for the future. 2. We are patient with each other when we are speaking and if it is not clear what the other one is trying to say, we ask for clarification calmly without jumping to conclusions. 3. We laugh together 4. We listen attentively to each other when recounting events 5. We share our innermost thoughts 6. We discuss relationship issues as they come up so they don’t have time to fester 7. We share many inside jokes 8. We don’t use condescending tones with each other when speaking 9. We take delight in making each other happy 10. We kiss and hug each other and say “I Love You” daily 11. We give each other gifts on special occasions 12. We never resort to name-calling 13. We give each other gifts “Just Because” 14. We do something fun together at least once a week (board games, walks, etc.) 15. We are completely honest and up-front with each other when issues come up even if we feel the other person is not going to like what we have to say 16. We go on a date at least once a month 17. We sing together 18. We have at least one hobby we do together 19. We enjoy each other’s company 20. We respect each other 21. We seek friendships with other couples 22. We take fun trips together without the kids 23. We each allow ourselves to be influenced by the other 24. We talk on the phone during the work day to keep in touch 25. We make time for each other
Just an FYI, Tim .... watch how you question her characterization of her childhood. Maybe you have a basis, maybe you don't. Your description struck a chord with me, because I also grew up in a very loving home; not perfect, but warm and loving. There were no raised voices, ever. Thus, when I encountered raised voices in my marriage, it seemed like the end of the world, since I had no frame of reference nor any experience with people who could love me and still yell at me. Also, it wouldn't be unfair to characterize me as "afraid of my own shadow" since childhood. Other than a fairly minor incident of sexual abuse by a neighborhood teen, nothing "bad" happened to me, certainly not within my own home. It is what it is. She ain't necessarily repressing anything. I know if my husband were to begin questioning my memories and my reality the way you apparently are -- even if he were to do so sincerely and out of genuine concern -- it would piss me off intensely pretty quickly if he wasn't taking my word. She was there; you weren't. Even if you happen to be right, I doubt you'll be able to argue her into admitting it.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Thanks, Kettricken. Of course my intention is not to question her childhood memories, or attack her home life, and it's hard, when writing about as much as I did, to include everything. My main point is that there's quite a lot of meaty stuff in my own childhood, which was not abusive by any means, but definitely had its unhappy side (absent/bullying father, moved frequently, etc.), and I can definitely see the parallels between how I grew up and who I am today. Confronting those issues is still very painful and difficult for me, even with all the years since then. Yet I'm working with the C and being very open and confronting what I need to and not holding back. But this just CAN'T be all about me. Or at least that would be VERY surprising. And if I'm going to go through the pain of confronting all of my demons, for her to hold back and not do likewise just adds to the pain. I don't have a "vested interest" in seeing that she had an unhappy childhood, I just want her to invest as much of herself in this process as I am.
Just a bit more on the subject of our respective birth families, as it happens, I know her parents very well, as we've mostly lived close to them throughout our marriage, and have spent a lot of time with them. In our early years, we lived very close indeed, and saw them regularly (more than once a week, for perhaps the first 8 years of our marriage, and of course for the 3 years before marriage). No, I wasn't there during her childhood, but certainly I have observed their family dynamic on many occasions. She was an only child until they adopted her brother when she was 14. Her father was an aircraft mechanic, her mother was a stay-at-home mom. Her father is generally a warm and thoughtful man, but some of the words I'd use to describe him are "Stubborn", "Opinionated", "Pig-headed". He also "ruled the roost" to the extent that her mother didn't dare readjust the seat and mirrors when she drove the car. I suspect also that he probably always wanted a son, and even if he wasn't overt in his disappointment, she would probably have sensed it. When she talks about her childhood, she often mentions her father being upset with her for spilling her milk. So, no, I really doubt her entire childhood was one of loving sweetness and light devoid of conflict. It was not abusive, neither was my own, but that doesn't equate to a totally non-toxic environment...
The sad thing is (I'm not saying this is true in her case, obviously) that there can be a massive amount of covert conflict without any honest forthright communication of same, at least "in front of the child". As I'm sure you're aware.
I agree that without serious buy-in from both parties in terms of facing and smacking down their respective demons, real lasting change is unlikely. (Although it's amazing how much movement one person can produce.) My caution is, don't get married to any one theory (especially, out loud to her) about where the nest of her demons might reside ... for one thing, that can be a little bit too up in her mental/emotional business, but also it might blind you to other clues.
Good for both of you for committing to the process .... she might be resisting still, but at least she's not running away screaming. It IS hard, as you know.
I like your list.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
The sad thing is (I'm not saying this is true in her case, obviously) that there can be a massive amount of covert conflict without any honest forthright communication of same, at least "in front of the child". As I'm sure you're aware.
... My caution is, don't get married to any one theory (especially, out loud to her) about where the nest of her demons might reside ... for one thing, that can be a little bit too up in her mental/emotional business, but also it might blind you to other clues.
I hear you, and I agree. That's one reason why we're working with a C, and why I'm working so hard to trust the process - the determination of what's important and how to probe it is HIS job... MY (OUR) job is to work with him as best we can, and be open, forthright and honest in facing what we need to face. My expectation going in was that she would find it very difficult to face certain things, and would put up a lot of resistance, and this is indeed what I'm seeing. The thing that allows me to deal with the disappointment without coming unglued is the knowledge that in a couple of weeks we'll have another session, and another chance to deconstruct what's happening, and hopefully move closer to the truth. We've only had 2 sessions so far, so I'm being careful not to expect too much, and indeed what has come out so far is very encouraging. But the fact that she's willing to cheap-out on the first difficult task (no TV) is a sign that we have a long road ahead. Still, I'm keeping the faith, and doing what I can to work on myself and show her how much I love her. I will keep up the AOS faithfully, and without resentment, and with kindness and attentiveness, and hopefully my love for her will come through...
Valentine's Weekend at my house - an AOS extraveganza.
Saturday: We always have bacon and eggs for breakfast on Saturday, it's the only day I have this (I have cereal and coffee during the week). While W was making breakfast, I emptied the dishwasher and put everything away, then set the table (I always set the table anyway). W also had to take S18 to a dermatologist appointment after breakfast, so I did all the dishes (washed/dried/put away) and made sure the kitchen was spotless when she got home. I also emptied the wastebaskets throughout the house, something I almost never think to do. After lunch, I went out to get her a really nice Valentine's card, which was really perfect, because it spoke about my longing to find new ways to say "I Love You". In the afternoon, W baked a cake for V-day, and while she was doing that, I cleaned both bathrooms, dusted and vacuumed the entire house. The kids sat around all day watching the Olympics on TV, which made things difficult for me because of the no-TV challenge from the C, but I've been doing a really good job of holding onto myself (Schnarch).
Actually, Saturday morning while W was preparing breakfast, we had another conversation about the whole no-TV thing - I started by saying I felt we were going to have to "come out" to our kids about seeing a MC, because they were bound to start wondering what's going on with Dad not watching TV like usual. I also pointed out that if she's serious about not going along with it, insisting on watching TV like the Olympic coverage, and Lost on Tuesdays, the kids were also going to have questions about why Dad is following it and Mom is not. This argument didn't faze her - she was adamant that she's not going to miss the Olympics or Lost just because some C says we should give up TV for a month. Whereas for me, it comes down to a question of what's more important, my marriage, or what's on TV. I even put it to her that way, but she was having none of it.
The interesting thing about that conversation was that I remained completely calm and rational, whereas she got progressively more hot under the collar. I think for me, the fact that there'll be another session in a couple weeks is a really good pressure relief valve - I can stay calm in the face of difficulty because I know we'll be reviewing what's happened in the next session, and it'll be interesting to see how things go. I think W is backing herself into a neat little corner, where she'll find it almost impossible to defend her decision. But I digress...
I did the dishes again after supper, but this time she insisted on washing while I dried. After the dishes were done, we played Trivial Pursuit again, this time with S18, and it was pretty fun, but afterwards we just read for a bit and went to bed.
Sunday morning we had croissants for breakfast - my suggestion so she wouldn't feel the need to make anything (she usually makes pancakes, waffles or scones), and I did the dishes (there weren't many). I showered before breakfast, and when I went back into the bedroom to get her card, I noticed she had given me a chocolate airplane (rather large, and solid) but I didn't notice the card underneath it. I went back out to the kitchen to give her her card, and thanked her for the airplane. She gave me a really nice hug and kiss. Thinking once again about the no-TV thing, I said maybe we could go see one or two of the events on the big screen at the movie theatre (thinking that way, I could see some of it, since I hadn't promised to give up going to a movie), but she batted that idea away very casually ("I'm sure not going to pay to watch something I can watch for free at home"), without even considering the consequences for me. I did the lunch dishes also, and we'll be having steaks (on the BBQ), and I'm preparing the rest of the meal also.
The supper meal was a huge hit. I prepared the steaks and the potatoes (microwave), and the salad (although W made the dressing - she has a dynamite Cesar recipe), and I cooked fries for myself. The steaks were perfect (T-bones), and we even had wine. I set the table (dining room, good china, silver, crystal) - even a lit candle. Nice tunes on the stereo (Cuban - Buena Vista Social Club). We had a great meal. Afterwards, I sent W and D26 to the living room to relax while I did ALL the dishes (leaving the kitchen spotless).
Before supper, W informed me that because D26 is home for the evening, we'll be renting a movie or two (Video On Demand), because otherwise, D26 would have no option but to either sit in a silent living room (or one with music) with her parents, or hang out in her room, because S18 and his GF were hanging out in the family room. S23 is out for the evening with his GF (six months coming up soon). So if I hang onto the no-TV thing, I look like a real schmuck, so I capitulated. We watched "The Invention of Lying" with D26. After the movie, D26 was like "Turn it back to the Olympics so I can see what's happening." S23 came home while the movie was on, and informed us that we had missed Canada's first Gold medal. I left the credits running till the end, then handed the remote to D26 and left the room.
I went downstairs to check my email briefly, then came upstairs and said "I'm going to bed now," and went to bed. W followed shortly after, and thanked me for making the exception to watch the movie, and I said I still felt it was the wrong thing to do - we could have played Scrabble with D26 or something, she wasn't even expecting a movie, and that would have been more in keeping with what we're supposed to be doing. W still doesn't agree. Then we went to sleep. Still no loving, even with everything I did for W this weekend. She had said flat out in session that the thing that made her feel most loved was me doing things for her, and I've been doing that in spades, with a smile on my face, and not expecting anything in return, but I think in her mind at the moment, I'm only doing it so she'll have sex with me. The thing is, I need to connect with her on some level, and I'm doing my best, what else can I do?
Plus, the no-TV thing is now turning into a power struggle, I think, but I'm determined to see it through, if only as a demonstration of the lengths to which I'm willing to go for her. And I'll keep up the AOS, still without calling her attention to it, to see if she might eventually thaw. Just 2 and a half weeks till the next session...
