I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[Quart9]

It is hard for me to believe that her being upset with me for moving back will be short lived and as a result push us faster into a divorce.

I have talked to a couple of women about doing this to get their point of view. None of them thought it was a good idea - even if my only goal was to gain back respect.

But move back in - I get it - especially since my self respect hinges on it. I am working on a plan to do this and I am also reading DR now.

If any women from this board read this I would appreciate their thoughts/opinions.

[GH31]

It is hard for me to believe that her being upset with me for moving back

I know.

Believe it anyway. Much of what you will learn through this journey will be counterintuitive.

Don't feel bad about doing it. Your W very cleverly manipulated you into moving out so that she could carry on an affair unencumbered and, most probably, bang the OM in your home. You discovered the affair after the fact, exactly as she calculated.

Keep all of the documentation relating to her infidelity for the courts - if it ever has to come to that.

None of them thought it was a good idea

Did you ask why they didn't think it was a good idea?

Ask, then go silent and listen. I would be surprised if you heard an answer that added up logically and made sense. My guess is you were told it's not a good a idea because it's not the "done thing".

even if my only goal was to gain back respect.

How can anyone stand living without self respect?

But move back in - I get it - especially since my self respect hinges on it. I am working on a plan to do this and I am also reading DR now.

Good.

Let us know how you're doing and where you're at Q9.

[Quart9]

Thanks GH31. I did actually asked the women I talked to why they thought it was a bad idea. They were all familiar with my financial situation though. Here's kind of a summary of the responses I got:

- expect to act like a roomate and pay atleast half of all of the bills and rent if you move back if she doesn't want you there. (its a stretch for me to pay for the room/apt I'm renting now)

- if she doesn't want you there she will move out then how are you going to afford to live there if she quits paying rent, and if you can't pay the rent there where do you plan on living?

- do you really want to be somewhere that you are not wanted and can you prevent the fallout from distracting your school/study?

I talked to my Mom today about this and she said, "before you move back you should call around and find a lawyer that will accept self respect instead of a check." -haha!

Despite all of this I still like the idea.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If affording the place is a problem, then you are either unemployed or underemployed.

To get better job/pay, you will need your self-respect back.

You won't get your self-respect back cowering in fear outside of your own home.

These women (including your own mother) are advising you as they are because they don't think you can pull this thing off. And don't get me wrong -- do not move back in if it's not part of an overall plan.

But make no mistake -- it needs to be Step #1 of any such plan.

Puppy

[Quart9]

Thanks Puppy for your reply. I'm continuing job hunting and I plan to meet with the lady from the property management company for W and I's apt tomorrow.

I want to make sure they have to have consent from both of us to end our lease and make them aware that I will not consent (especially since they didn't require consent from both of us to change the locks). It pisses me off that they would do that without my consent, but I have no idea what my W told the prop mngmnt lady. I want to find out if they will give me a key to our apt (because I'm pretty certain my wife will not be willing to give me one -maybe I should still ask her first?). I'm hoping that the prop mngmnt lady will be transparent with me as she has always seemed more willing to interact with my W in the past.

My wife went out of town on 2/14 and I have not heard hide nor hair from her since 2/11. I have no idea when she will be back (and have made no attempt to find out since I'm no longer pursuing). I'm going to meet with an attorney on Thursday morning. I just want to find out my rights/what to expect based on our sitch in a D, plus I am going to determine if/how I can get spousal support if we do. A while back W asked me if I would pursue spousal support. I told her that it may be something that is out of my control based on CA law and left it at that.

It urks me to think that she probably has been in contact w/ OM while she has been gone - but not with me. It seems like she has portrayed herself as a victim to her friends and family. I am positive she has kept OM a secret from all of them (even her BFF's) so her image stays squeeky clean. I would love to expose them.

I should mention that I've also been contemplating talking to a DB Coach.

[MrBond]

Can you afford a DB coach? I would suggest saving your money now for your place and then save up for a DB coach.

Since she's been gone, how have you gotten your mail? I'm pretty sure it's a Federal offense for her to be withholding it from you.

Get your rights squared away, and then move back in. She won't like it, but hey let's face it...she's not going to like anything YOU do right now anyway.

[sandi2]

Hi Quart, you asked me to drop by your thread and give my POV on it. First of all, your W knew she what she was doing when she asked you to move out to give her space.....and you left under false assumptions b/c you thought it was to be a "short separation" and the next thing you knew...she was asking for a D. On those grounds alone, you should be able to move back into your home.

This is how she'll see it. She will immediately cut off your financial support from her. So, unless you can support yourself or the courts force her to give spousal support (and you don't know the time frame for that), you will be up a creek. Logically, that is what you need to look at before going any further.

A WAW must see her LBH standing tall & strong regardless of what she throws at him. If you are dependent upon her for your livelihood, it could influence her vision of that. Don't misunderstand what I'm saying here. She was not mature enough to ungo what was needed to be the breadwinner while her H went through school in order to have a higher standard of living later. That was obvious when she wanted to return home after your first struggles getting into the college. As time passed, her resentment grew and grew until it led her into other things.

The only reason she was nice the other day was b/c she thought you were politely letting her lead you around by the nose. The minute you stop cooperating like she wants, the minute she stops with the hugs & kisses.

I agree with the others, you must have a plan beyond moving back into the home. If you move back...then the real war begins. I think the women you talked with realized how angry they would be if their H's moved back uninvited. (But again, it was under false pretenses.)

You are wise in getting information before jumping into something you are not prepared for. I think you may have to make some very tough decisions about your school. You have gone through a lot to lose it now, but if you have to work in order to survive....then that is what you have to do. If the classes required so many hours, what do the other students do who have families? Does your scholarship have an allowance for living expenses?

[Quart9]

Mr Bond/stuck - no I guess I can't really afford a DB coach but I am desperate for help with this. No, I have not been able to receive my mail since she has been gone - that is another thing I will have to deal with once she gets back.

Sandi2 - thank you for taking a look at my sitch and your feedback! I do not doubt the advice others had given me (and I really appreciate it), but I felt like your opinion would be helpful too after reading some of your other posts and learning about your experience.

Yes, looking back now I'm sure she knew what she was doing when she had me move out. I was in so much shock that I made no effort really to research alternatives/find sources like this board before I moved out. I kick myself in the a$$ for that. Plus, I was mesmerized by her in thinking it was temporary.

I'm pretty well financially independent of her already. We still have the same car insurance policy and my cell phone is in her name because she gets a work discount, but I have been paying her for those. She still has me on the health insurance from her work - which isn't necessary because I have health insurance through my school.

The $ that I have for living expenses now comes from the extra $ I receive after my tuition is paid from my private school loans. I have been trying to find a part-time job since I moved out about a month ago but I am having a hell of a time finding a place around me that is hiring.

After all of this, other people have have told me too that it seems she lacked the maturity necessary to see us through my getting in and out of school. She has told me recently that she wants to give up because she can't trust that I can change or that once I am out in a couple of years it will work out for us. She says she wants a family now and doesn't want to wait until "just whenever" after I am out of school. I would be willing to quit school, find a full-time job, and begin a family if it meant reconciliation between us.

I am lucky to have the room/apt that I am renting now. I had to have her co-signature to get into it. If I move back I can't keep this place. As I have said before, my fear is that I move back and she will immediately file for D and we will have to move out of that place (or she will move out). I will have pretty limited options then it seems - up the proverbial creek as you say.

I have only come across one other guy that goes to my school that is married. His wife and kids had to move back to live with his parents while he finishes school. It seems very few people that go there have significant others. My IC is through the school and she has told me that she has seen many cases where married people are S before they finish school there or quit in order to stay M. I had no idea of this before I started.

I know my self respect should be my priority but I am also very interested in reconciling with my W. Will my moving back and standing strong about my right to be there really gain any of her respect? Am I wrong for feeling certain she will file for D once I move back? Will I loose any chance to reconcile with her if I do move back? In your opinion sandi2, do I even have a chance at reconciliation whether I move back there or not?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I know my self respect should be my priority but I am also very interested in reconciling with my W. Will my moving back and standing strong about my right to be there really gain any of her respect? Am I wrong for feeling certain she will file for D once I move back? Will I loose any chance to reconcile with her if I do move back? In your opinion sandi2, do I even have a chance at reconciliation whether I move back there or not?

Q9,

It seems you are determined to ask this question of everyone, until someone finally tells you what you want to hear.

So here, let me save you some time:

"DON'T MOVE BACK INTO YOUR OWN HOME, WHERE YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO STAY. IT WILL ONLY DRIVE YOUR WIFE FURTHER AWAY, AND TOWARDS DIVORCE. IT WILL MAKE HER ANGRY WITH YOU, AND YOU KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE IT WHEN SHE'S ANGRY, SO BEST NOT TO MESS WITH ALL OF THAT."

Signed,

Puppy

[Quart9]

Thanks Puppy for your feedback. It is easy for someone that is not in my shoes to tell me to pack up all of my sh!t again, go rent a u-haul, hire a day laborer, and move it back into an apt where I'm not welcomed (and possibly have to get the police involved in order to do it).

This is my life dude, not just a post on a message board on the internet. So I apologize for wanting to get as much feedback as I can - especially from sandi2 - who I believe was a WAW. If you will notice, when sandi2 posted earlier she never directly said she thought I should move back in. Why?