I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[MrBond]

Yep it's all about guilt.

"she said people ask about me at her work and it upsets her when they ask."

How dare they ask about my H! I am happy now without that person in my life, why can't I be left alone. Guilt. Plain and simple.

You DB so that you don't have depressing thread names like the one you have. DBing isn't just about saving your M. It's about saving yourself. It's about building yourself up. Let me put it this way. Your W did a pretty good job at destroying your self-esteem and the foundation that you are on. Why? It's the same reason why a bully will put down someone who they feel is a threat to them. They tear them down to build themselves up.

So what's the best way to treat a bully? To stand up to them.

Anyhow what you're doing isn't working obviously. So it's time to do something different. Once you start shaking up that little fantasy she has built up in her head, her carefully laid plans will crumble like a deck of cards. And you know what? She'll turn it around and blame you for her unhappiness.

Just remember. She started this. Not you.

As for the thing about moving back, it's your place too. Call her and tell her that you had a change of heart and are planning to move back in tomorrow (example). You have to give a date and time and stick with it. She'll ask why and you tell her that it's because you were wrong to have moved away from your own home. She's going to say that she can't live with you there. Just shrug and say "well that's your choice". And if she says you still can't come home, tell her that you are planning to have a locksmith and a police officer there to allow you legal entry into your home, but it would be easier if she just gave you the keys.

You are going to see hellfire burning out of her eyes, but stand strong. Let's put it this way. Was she respecting you when she wanted to have sex with that guy on her cruise? Of course not. Time to get your self-respect back my friend. And a king can't do that until he's back in his castle. Of course you still should be looking for a job and be a man about it.

It's time to get your balls back from your W.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I also still don't understand how I am just supposed to move back in. If tell her that I'm moving back in at this point she is gonna tell me to go _ myself. If I bring the cops with me - holy smokes that would be crazy.

So??

Puppy

[GH31]

also still don't understand how I am just supposed to move back in.

You simply move back in. It's legally your home.

Do it.

If tell her that I'm moving back in at this point she is gonna tell me to go

Who gives a flying fiddler's f***?

It's your home.

Move back in.

I had my wife trying to do the exact same things with me but I did not move out. I also left my wife in Europe with OM and moved back to the family home in Australia - no contact at all for 25 days.

Do what must be done.

Just because something is very tough, it doesn't mean that it isn't worth doing.

DBing is about doing what works. You must accept that for now, your wife is in no fit state to be your wife. I can guarantee you that pandering and supplicating to this adulteress will not work.

Not ever.

Manning up and taking a strong stand will.

Never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be Admiral James Stockdale

best,

GH31

[Quart9]

Thank you Stuck, Puppy, GH31 for your replies. I'm beginning to understand the purpose of DB'ing and I want my self respect back and for W to respect me. Reconciliation is very important to me too. Will the conflict that occurs from my forcing myself back in help/benefit the relationship part of our separation? Have there been cases where this has helped a relationship or is it purely an act of gaining self respect?

I called a friend that is a CA cop (he was divorced and actually reconciled with his ex)to get his opinion on this. He confirmed that legally she does have to let me back in but he could not understand how it would benefit our relationship problems at this point. He deals with a lot of domestic disputes and he says that it would not take much effort/cause for her to get a restraining order against me. I don't want something like that on my record.

[MrBond]

The point is that it's NOT to benefit your relationship problem. SHE started it. SHE has the issue with it. SHE is the one cheating on you.

And yet...

YOU are the one who is out of the house. YOU are the one who can't even get your own mail without permission. YOU are the one who has remained faithful.

So let's see, you are letting the inmates run the prison.

All you are doing is moving back into YOUR own house. Let me repeat.

YOUR HOUSE.

She wants another guy, let her move in with him.

The bigger picture is that you are standing up for yourself.

Keep all records of her interactions with the OM. That should squash the restraining order issues. Retain a L or at the very least, get a consult from one.

But hey. If you don't mind her dickin' around with another guy in your house, that's your call.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

DBing is about doing what works. You must accept that for now, your wife is in no fit state to be your wife. I can guarantee you that pandering and supplicating to this adulteress will not work.

Not ever.

I agree 100% with this, based on studying literally THOUSANDS of affairs the past three years.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thank you Stuck, Puppy, GH31 for your replies. I'm beginning to understand the purpose of DB'ing and I want my self respect back and for W to respect me. Reconciliation is very important to me too. Will the conflict that occurs from my forcing myself back in help/benefit the relationship part of our separation? Have there been cases where this has helped a relationship or is it purely an act of gaining self respect?

One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."

Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.

So short-term? She'll be livid, and your R may take a hit. But long-term, you will gain her RESPECT, and since women tie their feelings of respect very closely with their feelings of love, you will actually be strengthening her feelings for you. And if not? You still have the second benefit of getting your OWN, SELF-respect back.

Other than being too weak to withstand the short-term blowback, I can't see a downside to the approach. You're simply afraid of your wife. I know, cuz I was too. Italian fireball. But once I saw that she could scream and holler all she wanted, but "I'm Still Standin'"

I'm Still Standing

I was liberated.

Try it. Make this the first move of getting your self-respect back.

Puppy

[Quart9]

I moved out before I knew about the EA/OM. Had I of know about him I would have never moved out. I realize my moving out was pandering to her, but at the time I didn't know it would not help the situation.

What you guys are telling me to do seems so counter productive and risky - BUT I LIKE THE IDEA. I'm just having a hard time seeing only a short term blow back here.

I had to have her co-sign for the apt I'm in now- I'm basically living off of school loans.

If I did what you guys are telling me:

I'd have to give a 60 notice (and a chuck of $) to break the lease I have for the apt I'm in now. Force my way back in over there. Then what if she moves out? I'm guessing that we both have to agree in order to end our lease over there? I dunno. But for sure I can't afford that place by myself and there is no guarantee she will continue to pay the rent there. She sticks around great - if not then I'm stuck without a place to live.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Life is risky.

Don't go to your deathbed, wishing you had taken a bolder approach. NO ONE goes to their deathbed saying:

1) "I wish I had spent more time at the office." or

2) "I wish I had taken LESS risk in my life."

Be wise, figure out the financial consequences and contingencies, and come up with a PLAN, and then EXECUTE YOUR plan. Us men, us "Martians," are planners/fixers/doers by nature. And yet in DB, we're told "Don't pursue," "Don't fix," don't etc.

And it frustrates us.

Well, the cool thing is that you can COME UP WITH A PLAN, and then set about to DOING THE PLAN. It keeps you busy, and keeps you feeling good about yourself. Just to pick one example: detachment. In a vacuum, it makes us feel like WE'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING. Well, when you can see where you're PURPOSELY doing it, as part of a PLAN . . . I found that helps.

Puppy

[Quart9]

Thanks puppy. It's crazy man - yesterday was the first time W and I had seen each other in almost a month. We actually had a pretty good time together. For the past 2 weeks she would hardly talk to me on the phone and since we have been separated most our contact has been done by text.

I am/was hoping for more positive meetings after yesterday with the thought of it rekindling her interest in me. I didn't pressure her for another meeting but she suggested another one (though it is to meet with our tax guy - haha).

I'm still new to all of this so maybe all of that was wishful thinking and counters DB'ing.

I will come up with a plan though. See much of her recent communications with me included her confirming she wants a divorce. She has drug her feet following through with it. So I guess what I am saying is: besides the fear I have of her (as you say)and besides the risk of coming out of this without a place to live - forcing my way back into our apt brings the biggest risk of sending her over the edge and straight to filing for the divorce. From previous vibes I have received from her that seems very likely.