I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[Quart9]

In reading back over this list of things I can do I am kinda confused. How will showing my W I have moved on make her interested in me again? It seems like if she has made me move out and is seeing OM she doesn't really care if I'm available/have moved on. I think part of the reason we are in this situation is because of my lack of interation with her.

[grr]

hello - first let me say how sorry i am that you find yourself here...however this place is invaluable!
i was where you are back in october and 2 months later things were back on track with my husband and me.
the best advice that i can give you is to take some from here and some of what you know about your wife.
in my case, i stopped pursuing, got a life, no phone calls and most of that BUT, i know my husband has abandonment issues....so every so often, i would let him know that i wanted to work things out and talked about the revelations i was having (let me stress, i kept this to a bare minimum and was not at all whiney about it)
basically, i let him know that i loved him but if i had to move on, i could and be a happy, desirable person while doing it.
every case is different for sure..but i think there are some common threads running through each situation.
begging and pursuing probably would not work for anyone
best of luck to you and i hope things work out

[Wired]

Quart,
Im going to share something with you and I hope it sinks in. Last friday I sat on my bathroom floor with a loaded 45 on the floor next to me. I was wallowing in so much self pity and sorrow and pain that I could not take it anymore. At that time I felt the only thing I could do is just to end it to stop the pain.

I prayed and I cried till I was bent over in pain and it still seemed to the only answer. I took one final breath and thought for a second. This will not solve anything, this will tear my children apart, this will tear my mother and father and the rest of my family to pieces.

Right now you are hurting. I am hurting. GO TO YOUR DOCTOR NOW. Do not wait, go today. They can help you. Dont be afraid to hold back on things you wouldnt normally tell him/her. Let it all out. (I actually broke down in a crying fit in his office) believe it or not they can and will help. Im not sure exactly what the doc gave me, but my mind has been cleared up and the pain has been eased.

If your R is over, then so be it. Life sometimes sucks and we have to take the punches as they come in. But throwing it all away is not the answer.
I love my wife dearly, and used to say that I would lay down my life for her. But looking back I am so glad that I never had to put that to the test.

I cannot forsee the future, I cannot sit here and tell you that if you follow all the advice in these forums that things will turn out peachy. But I can tell you if you find yourself and continue on, you will get better. And who knows what may lay in wait for you tommorow? I dont know about you, but after 2 weeks of focusing on yesterday, I am starting to look forward to what happens tommorow.

[dburt]

In reading back over this list of things I can do I am kinda confused. How will showing my W I have moved on make her interested in me again? It seems like if she has made me move out and is seeing OM she doesn't really care if I'm available/have moved on. I think part of the reason we are in this situation is because of my lack of interation with her.

Welcome grasshopper, do those things on that list. Think of it this way, when you chase a dog does it run away or come to you, when you ignore the dog is it more likely that the dog comes to you?

I am busy now, but keep on posting and some of the big guns will stop by to help you, the first thing is to bust the affair and Puppy Dog Tails is the best for that, look him up.

Ill be back,

Burt

[Quart9]

Thank you grr. I have been reading many different posts on here and have been trying to piece together the best plan based on the circumstances. I'm happy to hear that you and your H are back on track.

Thank you too Wired for your reply and sharing that with me. I have been going to IC but have not shared all of my thoughts. I know what I have been thinking is the chicken way out, but after all that she and I have shared and done, the plans we have made, the thought of her being with someone else/her having a family with someone else/us leading separate lives from now on...

On top of all of this I see that I have caused her a lot of pain and I feel like I let her/us down.

[Vulcanized]

I have been going to IC but have not shared all of my thoughts. I know what I have been thinking is the chicken way out, but after all that she and I have shared and done, the plans we have made, the thought of her being with someone else/her having a family with someone else/us leading separate lives from now on...

On top of all of this I see that I have caused her a lot of pain and I feel like I let her/us down.

Q9,

It is normal to feel this way. Please talk to your IC about thoughts like this. Meds can help stabilize/calm you so that you can get through this.

In the early days, it is also quite common to assume all the blame for the breakdown of the M. You did let her down, but not nearly as much as you think you did. Be rest assured, at this point, your W is more than happy to have you accept ALL the blame for the failure of the M. The more you take responsibility, the less she has to.

She is currently in fantasy land, where she's just a helpless victim and is in no way responsible for any of this. Don't be so quick to shoulder the entire responsibility for the demise of the M. It took both of you to get to where you are today.

[dburt]

2 x 4 time.

She is the one that is CHEATING ON YOU. Now quit taking all of the blame and lets get a plan together. The first thing to do is to bust up the affair. And most agree that the quickest way to do that is expose the affair. Again, look up Puppy Dog Tails and ask for help in this.

Time to quit whinning and get started making you the better option and to not live in an open relationship. You are better than that>

Burt

[Coach]

Move back into your home.

Bust the affair. Set clear boundaries about her and the OM.

Work on yourself.

Get her attracted to you again (busting the affair will do this for a start).

[Puppy Dog Tails]

In reading back over this list of things I can do I am kinda confused. How will showing my W I have moved on make her interested in me again? It seems like if she has made me move out and is seeing OM she doesn't really care if I'm available/have moved on. I think part of the reason we are in this situation is because of my lack of interation with her.

I know, I know, it seems counter-intuitive, Quart, but it really does work. We've seen it hundreds of times on here, and there's sound research behind it as well.

There are lots of cards still to play; this is by no means over. First thing you need to do, however, is move back into your house (and into your own bedroom), and expose your wife's affair to the OM's wife.

Puppy

[MrBond]

I agree with everyone else. Go back home. She'll be pissed, but so what? It is your home after all. If she feels that uncomfortable, she can leave.

Go back to being the MAN of the house. You may have been at fault for some of the things in the R, but that doesn't give her the right to have OM. Just the fact that she told you about him and doesn't want to feel "pressured" by you, shows how little she respects you. "Pressured"? Please! It's called guilt darlin'. Get over it!