tired of trying...

[beingreal]

Hello all. Long time reader, first time poster.

DH & I have been married for nine years. About 4 years ago his field of work all but dried up so we decided that I would work full time while he went to college. We have been on a steady decline since then.

We have 3 boys, ages 8, 5 & 2. I work 12 hour shifts in a hospital, and for three years I worked nights every Fri, Sat & Sun so he could go to school & the kids wouldn't have to spend a lot of time with a sitter. It was extremely stressful, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make for the family. I thought we both were willing to make that sacrifice, but over time he started to act very resentful towards me. I tried to understand that he probably felt less than a man being a SAHD while his wife was working, so I made a pointed effort to be appreciative of what he was doing, to keep him in all of the decision making, to still make him "the man" of the family.

It didn't work. The more I gave, the worse it got. it got really bad during the summer of 2008--he was not working and he was still waiting to get into his program at college. He became very mean towards me & the kids, he would complain about me & belittle me to our friends and family, and he was just borderline hateful. We fought continuously until last February when we finally started marriage counseling through a Seminary at the college. We went jointly until our therapist decided that we would do better in separate sessions. Very little changed during that time.

He moved out over Labor Day weekend, and was gone for all of five days. I had found DB, devoured the book & was reading the forums, and I finally started to put some of the pieces together. He came back for dinner one night on the pretense of seeing the kids & he never left--although it did take another 3 weeks for him to move all of his stuff back in. During that time he lived out of a small box that I had started putting his stuff in after he left.

Please don't think I'm glossing over details--his behavior has been basically the same since all of this started several years ago, I'm just waiting to describe it in depth to save the post from becoming redundant.

I was very hopeful that we could work it out, but now I'm not so sure. DH has ADD, he has since he was a child, although he is only now admitting it. I also believe with all of my heart that he is depressed, but he refuses to even consider that possibility. I begged him to talk about it with his doctor--he ended up telling the doc that I thought he was depressed, but he thinks he just fine & I'm the one over reacting. So now he is taking a med for his ADD, but not treating a depression that I am positive is there.

Here's some of the nitty-gritty...

*DH is angry almost all the time. He yells at the kids, he yells at me, he has some kind of *issue* with total strangers every time he leaves the house--cashiers, waitresses, his instructors, other students...every day there is some problem that he is having with someone, another story of how someone offended him or was rude or disrespectful towards him.

*He expects the kids to act like little adults while he literally acts like he is in the third grade. He *often* mimics me when he's mad--like a child, repeating everything I say with a little sneer on his face. He is quick to yell at them when they don't do exactly what he says exactly when he says. He has said some really hurtful things to them lately, like telling them they are little brats and that he's going to beat them with a belt. Let me just say this right up front--he will not ever beat them with anything, ever. But he had our 8 year old terrified & sobbing one night last month because he thought Daddy was really going to hit him with a belt.

*He hates that I am on the internet...at all. He's accused me of looking for a boyfriend, of trying to *hookup* with some guy I went to high school with (who lives 3000 miles away), of flirting with guys at work. He once told me that a man at work who was flirting was only doing so because "...someone told him you're a whore." Period. I've NEVER had either a PA or an EA in our time together. I've told him I wish he would find someone else, though--as long as it took his negative focus off of me. Not nice, I know, but I'm beyond being nice.

*DH is the kind of person who will complain about something, but not ever make the move to change. I’m exactly the opposite--venting is okay, but if you really have a problem with something, then figure out a way to get around it, over it, through it. Do something! But if I suggest working through some problem he’s having then I’m trying to control him.

*He is becoming increasingly selfish & cruel. When one of the kids (or I) become sick, his first response is usually “Great…now *I’M* going to get sick.” There is very little compassion there for any of us. If I try to talk to him about how it’s making us feel he’ll manage to turn it around & make the conversation about him & his feelings. He has this thing about “respect” lately, too. He read a book called, “Love & Respect” as it pertains to marriage & what each partner needs. All he got out of it was that he needs respect & I’m not giving it to him. If I point out that he is supposed to be loving he’ll tell me that I have to “make” him want to love me, but I’ve done nothing to make him want to love me because I’m not “respecting” him.

I am in no way perfect, although he’s accused me of thinking that, as well. I know that I can be difficult, but I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I cringe every time he opens his mouth because I have no idea what is going to come out of it. I asked him how his project was going for class and I ended up with a rather lengthy diatribe on how the instructor didn’t know what the f*&% she was doing. I just don’t know what to do or say around him anymore. So I just don’t do or say anything anymore.

When he left one of the things I kept telling him was that I couldn’t make him happy--that was something he had to do for himself. DB really helped me in the sense that it showed me that I didn’t need him to be happy in order for me to be happy. I want him to be, but I don’t need him to be--my well being is up to me whether he’s on board or not. Since that time I’ve been steadily making some changes in my life; I’ve just gotten a personal trainer to help me lose this weight--I am using money from our income tax return & I am excited to be making this investment in me, I’ve taken on a guest columnist spot in our local newspaper & I have decided to start freelance writing while I work on some bigger writing projects. (I know you wouldn’t know it from this disjointed, long-winded narration I’m working on here, but I really am a pretty decent writer. I’m just trying to get all of this down & out before I lose my nerve.)

I am spending time with friends--all girls--instead of sitting in the house feeling sorry for myself. I usually go out just before or just after the kids go to bed so it’s not a strain on him. I’ve been out three times in three months, so it’s not like I’m over doing it--he’s spent three times that amount of time with friends of his, at my urging in fact--I think he needs to get out of the house even more.

So there it is…I’m trying so hard to hold it together even though it seems as though he’s doing his best to tear it apart. I’m not sure how much longer I can hang on. The past couple of weeks have gotten wildly out of control--we’ve both done things that are wrong, but it seems like I’m the only who cares. I made him look at me tonight, I made him look me in the eye while I cried because he had once again hurt my feelings more than I thought possible. That pain is changing, though, instead of hurting my feelings he’s just beginning to piss me off. I’m afraid I’m very close to the point that he’s no longer able to hurt me because I no longer care.

One of the biggest reason I don't end it right this second is that if he leaves & gets to take our children with him, I can't control what happens with them. I can't protect them from his bad moods or his selfishness. I can't be the buffer between them & him. That is so incredibly sad to me.


I just need some help seeing through all of the fog. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Thanks if you made it through this far. I’ll answer your questions and do my best to give you info to help me. I’ve not ever felt so lost.

[beingreal]

ps--I've just found the depression thread in this forum...wow. I hate knowing that I'm not alone in this mess, but I'm so grateful that I'm not alone.

I'm convinced more now than ever that this is what this is.

I should add that his doctor also wanted him to get some blood work done to check thyroid & other levels as well as a sleep study since sleep deprivation can seriously affect mood. That was five weeks ago & both order sheets still hang on our fridge.

*sigh*

[Gardener]

shelbel,

I should add that his doctor also wanted him to get some blood work done to check thyroid & other levels as well as a sleep study since sleep deprivation can seriously affect mood. That was five weeks ago & both order sheets still hang on our fridge.*sigh*

If he ever gets around to it:
1) Have him insist on a 24-hour urine thyroid test. Blood thyroid tests aren't as accurate with men as with women
2) Have him have testosterone levels checked. Free Testosterone (bioavailable), not blood levels: apples and oranges. And find a DR. who aims for Optimum levels, not age-related ranges. I.E., if I'm in (and I was) in an age group that is known for low levels across the board, why would I want to be compared with their (low) levels and told I'm "normal"?
My Dr.(Naturopath) prescribed bio-identical compounded topical testosterone, (inexpensive) not synthetic pharmaceutical testosterone (pricey). And natural, not synthetic Thyroid replacement.
Thyroid maintenance and optimal testosterone levels turned my life around, physically and mentally.

Also, pick up The UltraMind Solution (or just skim it in a bookstore or library) and take the simple neurotransmitter quizzes in the beginning. Mine pointed to deficiencies in certain amino acids (inexpensive) and supplementation got me off of meds. Blood work confirmed the book's quiz results. Amino acids + thyroid + restored testosterone levels eliminated depression and sent my energy, stamina and outlook through the stratosphere.

Disclaimer: the above is not intended to diagnose or treat any medical condition. Consult your healthcare provider blah blah blah, blah... it's late. I'll read more tomorrow and chime in. You're in the right place.
Be hopeful.

[mza8]

shelbel,

Welcome to the board and I'm sorry you find yourself here but you've definitely come to the right place. Everyone here is wondeful and supportive. It's late and I only took a quick look at your situation. I will say that I reently found out that I suffer from depression so I know first hand how it cn make people feel. Since I was diagnosed with depression I have been on meds and it has helped me trememdously. The good news is that people who seek help for their depression will get better.

You will receive a lot of great advice and support from the people on this board. I'm sure the veterans will be along in the morning with some great advice to help you. In the meantime I can offer you my support and encouragement. You will get through this, just be strong and hang in there. I wish you the best and good luck. Talk to you later.

Best,
mza8

[beingreal]

Thank you Gardner & mza8--I appreciate any words of guidance right now, especially from someone who's been on "the other side" of it.

I am on anti-depressants right now, and I am not ashamed to admit it. I had horrible post partum depression with each of our kids & finally just stayed on the meds. I can see where I'd been depressed during a good portion of my adult life and how hormones & stress exacerbated it. I am grateful that I had doctors who recognized it & prescribed the proper treatment. I grew up in a family that just never would admit there were any problems and never, ever take pills for it! I mean after all...what would the neighbors think?!?!? I don't care what people think--I want to be happy.

I was wondering how much of this is just a manifestation of something physically off with him. He just doesn't seem to be the man he used to be. I also realize that whatever the root of the depression, a person has to recognize that there is a problem & want to change it. Right now he doesn't see it, it's my problem & I just need to ask my doctor for better pills to deal with him.

It's like beating my head against a wall.

The rest of us have had a stomach bug this week, his hit this morning (poor guy is sick on Superbowl Sunday). I asked him if he was feeling better, he scooted closer to me and told me he would feel better if I held him. Ummm...huh? He's never asked me to do that before. Of course, I'm usually very affectionate & maybe he's just missing it.

[robx]

follow reality,
you've been trying very hard for very long and you received no real positive results out of it.

You're working hard on this problem isn't going to fix it.

Let go.

Focus on you & the kids, give him space & time to deal with his issues, you can't fix them for him. Make sure you enjoy your life and be a great parent for your kids.

If he wants part of this great life of yours, he'll do what it takes to get himself there and if he doesn't, you will have wasted no effort in the process.

Hard to do this because it means doing nothing, but counter-intuitive is what works in all of these situations. You have been doing what you "feel" you should be doing instead of observing reality, working at it hasn't been working, so stop.

Reality works, follow reality.

[beingreal]

Thank you, Rob.

I'm finding it hard to disengage from him a lot of the time. If I ignore him, then it's almost like he tries to start a fight. If I am pleasant, then he tries to hurt my feelings. It's not all the time, but it's enough that I am terribly confused as to what to do next.

How am I to act when he runs hot and cold like this?

I need to get my copy of DB back from the person I lent it to. I think I am in need of a re-read.

[rob668]

robx, it's rob668, i havn't posted lately. If i give the current details of what's happening, could you help out. thanks!

[beingreal]

H was in a good mood this morning, he even let me sleep while he got the kids ready for school. He didn't even seem terribly upset that one ended up on a 2 hour delay & the other one missed the bus. He must be feeling better because that normally would have set him off.

I keep wanting to apologize to everyone & tell people here that he really isn't an asshat--he's a good man who is going through a rough time. Obviously there is some redeeming quality about him if I'm willing to go through all of this just to save our M. But I'm not going to, I'm not going to make excuses for him, not to anyone here and, more importantly, not to myself.

I've been reading through quite a few of the threads here and I see myself in so many of them, both the good & the bad. I think just putting this here will help me see the bigger picture, help keep the problems in perspective when my judgement becomes clouded with emotion.

I have my first workout with my trainer this afternoon. I'm excited! Maybe some good physical exertion will help clear my mind.

I'm wondering if anyone has any experience with DBing, GALing, and still trying to help someone get the help they need. Can you do both? I've been reading up on the testosterone deficiency that Gardner wrote about and I think it's worth H asking his doc about. But I don't know how to broach the topic without him feeling like I'm criticizing him, especially about something like a hormone that essentially controls everything *Manly* about him. I don't want it to sound like I'm saying he is less than a man.

No one ever told me M wold be this hard. I wasn't expecting soft & fluffy--but I never thought it would be like this.

hanging in there,
shelbel

edit for typos

[beingreal]

It's been two and a half months & there has been no change. Except I'm just angrier & not really willing to work things out anymore.

H spent 48 hours out of state visiting his brother, he took S8 with him. I didn't mind, until I had to spend half of the day tying up the loose ends he left--like asking my mom to watch S2 for two overnights instead of just a few hours on Saturday like she'd thought. He even called from the ballpark to get directions to his brother's house because he'd forgotten to get them before he left. So I had to look them up on Google maps & listen to him get mad because he couldn't hear me over the noise in the stadium. Who leaves without making sure they know where they are going?

I'm really not venting, just giving the two most recent examples of how he does things halfa$$ed & expects me to jump in and fix it for him. Had he not had our son with him I don't think I would have.

I'm still GAL, I go to the gym twice a week to work out & I've lost 20 pounds so far. I've had three columns published in the local newspaper (real columns, not letters to the editor. lol Although it sounds like a much bigger deal than it actually is). The last one was about my friend who is fighting cancer and will most likely be considered *terminal* soon(I pray not). This particular column has been picked up by my professional association & is to be featured on their website. I've gone out with friends a few times, even though I usually have to *pay* for it later--just by hearing how I get to do "whatever I want whenever I want". As if going to the gym & the grocery store by myself is such a treat.

So, yeah, I'm still living my life, even though it rarely involves him anymore. He even mentioned it one night a few weeks ago when we were having (what I thought was) and honest heart to heart. When he asked why I didn't want to be around him anymore I told him that I did, but he's always so upset about so much all the time, he's difficult to be around. I said that it obvious that he's not happy & I can't fix that--he needs to figure it our on his own. I told him that I was just doing what I needed to do, and if he wanted to join me he was more than welcome to.

Big mistake.

Apparently R talks should be off limits even when the other person starts them. I don't know why I was surprised when he managed to twist what I said & use it against me.

I haven't been perfect through the past few months, either. I went off the deep end earlier today and was furious with him. Another big mistake. Not only did I engage, I actually escalated. WTH is wrong with me?

So I'm back--apparently I cannot do this on my own. I need some help before I permanently damage our kids. No matter how our marriage works out, they deserve much better than what they have right now.