Hi H, You are sounding good these days! IMO you handled the lunch w H very succesfully! I applaud you!
Re: your question, which 25 has addressed well, I understand where you’re coming from. This is exactly where I’m at. Except I don’t consider #2 an option. From what I can see of your sitch, #2 would be going backwards. It seems like you really want to have a friendship w your H after the D, and that won't happen if you do #2. I envy this, b/c that is probably not in the cards for me.
I'll repeat what the others said: You are on track. You are doing great. I hear what you're saying about not really wanting D, so should you agree to it? I still don't want a D either. But I feel like, after 10, going on 11 mos. of this that it is the only way to go. If H has left, done all this stuff showing he doesn't want to be married to me, why do I want to hold on to that? I don't anymore.
As Kara says, you're not staring at that door waiting for it to swing open. You're going on with your life, which believe me sounds totally exciting! You are in a good place, feel good about that. And don't worry about the past dynamics now. Believe me I've tortured myself too obsessing about the things I did wrong, though I may not have realized it then, in the M. Keep focusing your energy on your exciting life, as you've been doing spectacular lately! Your GALing is inspring! ((((h))))
Last edited by LookingFrAnswers; 02/10/1010:11 PM.
I concur--Option #. Keep it smooth. It is a different approach, from what I have read of your thread.
It helps me in thinking about my house sitch: a nasty fight would be just what he expects of me. Controlling, angry, bitter. But a smooth and gracious response--as long as it is peppered with "this will help so much in my great new life!" Now that would be different.
I am so glad that the convo went as well as it did. It is so good to hear the progress you are making on ACCEPTING what is. You are well on your way to peace and healing.
I think you mentioned meeting up before you leave the E.Coast for W. Coast? I am in VT--contact me in the alt?
I wish I could meet with ALL of you fabulous people in person!
And I think LFA and I are twins separated at birth--another woman who doesn't like chocolate??!!
Be well, HHH. Recognize the strength you have gained.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
just sending a big hug your way...the way you handled seeing your H proves how much you've grown in the last fews months this all has been going on. it's hard not getting what you want (like your M working out), but like my reverend said in church a few weekends ago, when we open ourselves to accept change, we also open ourselves to a world of possibilities that never would have been available to us otherwise.
who knows what is out there for you? scary but exciting...and you seem to be heading into the future with a really great attitude about what all this change will bring you!!!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
Aver, I think there is no shame in trying everything, anything as long as you have even a sliver of hope. Or even if your goal is to leave the R on the best possible terms, taking the high road, with dignity & class.
I don't consider myself a very successful DBer, so don't think I can give you good advice on what particular thing to do here. I'm sure you'll get some good input from Pearl & others soon though. Thinking of what's best for you - go back & read Pearl's advice on walking away/starting over vs. staying there.
Being done could mean walking away, from house, whatever, maybe moving. And that might be the most DBing thing you can do. But doing it b/c it is the best thing for you, that can ultimately bring you peace. That is what I'm trying for right now.
H, sorry for the hijack, though kind of related to yours. How are you doing? I'll check back soon. (((((H))))) (((((A))))))
I want to live in the house. I want the advantage of having tenants pay the mortgage. I don't want to start over in a new house. X has the skills, time, and energy to make over a house. I don't.
X and I have no contact.
I am suddenly crazed with the grief of the finality of it. The grief of getting a formal proposal: Get out by August 1st. (bombaversary)
Do I back out of the house gracefully (but taking good care of myself financially) This might indicate a graceful WA, done, who cares, big deal, have the house. It might be very good for me financially, and probably emotionally.
If I fight for the house--to protect myself financially and emotionally--so I have a stable, familiar place to keep healing in--it will drive a knife so deeply between the two of us, I'm not sure we could ever exchange civil words again. And living in the same small state, we will see each other.
If I go to the meetings for this local play that I DID decide to work on, we'll see each other. We'll work together on the load in. But there is this DEADLINE he gave me: by February 28th, accept my offer on the house.
I need to sort out the emotional from the legal, and I will be talking to Ls and Cs to get help with that.
But please--how do I escape from the sudden: "what would be a good DB thing to do around the house?"
I had GIVEN up DB'ing, as least as far as relates to "drawing him back" because there was no opportunity, no chance at all that I could see. I am only trying to heal myself now.
I need help from the big dogs, here. Puppy? Gucci?
Thank goodness for a C session tomorrow--sorry I am in such rough shape here.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
Dear LFA, Just wanted to send a special thank you your way...I saw your post last week but didn't have time to reply. You have sent me links to posts that seem to resonate at exactly the right time and what has been great to hear/read at that moment in time for me (poet, BobbiJo, and now this one). Thanks so much LFA..I know we've traveled a similar path here across these past 6+ months, and now in the thick of dissolving things. Not what either of us wanted but trying to come out as healing and as strong as we possibly can. You're doing great work...none of this is easy. I'll have to catch up on your stich later. Any new updates? Sending you big hugs and thinking of you, hhh
