He said, to him, sex will come once things get better, he is not in a hurry. He thinks like a woman for God's sake!! He wants us to "connect" before we do make love. I told him I think lack of physical connection for me is a problem that only gets worse. We see that differently obviously.
I dont understand this. If you want sex, I cant see how he can resist if you go about it the right way.
I thought your response was pretty brilliant. And it seems he took it well. Even if he said it was nothing new, I think you're faith that he can do it did help (IMHO that's why he called to talk about it).
I am like that too. Not very confident/aggressive.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I was very affected by the email. I want to stop his pain. But I am wondering what the right balance is between stepping in and allowing him to sort it out for himself...
If you were his best friend, how would you help him? Maybe that's a starting point?
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
After 3 years and 2 months of separation, my H has been living with us for over a month. He seems to have stopped contact with his affair partner (contact that I have proof she initiated the last few times before he moved back in although we dont speak as if he has moved back in), he erased her phone number after I have asked him to, he tells me he doesnt miss her, want her or loves her and is willing to go to MC with me. And not only willing to go, the first 2 times we went, the first time he used his time to convince me why we should be together and how solid our R was/is and the second time, he "cracked" and opened up to her and me.
After pushing for some kind of clear direction, I received that letter from him. Over the 3,5 years we are in this mess, I have used emails at least 200 times to talk to him. He has used mails only 4 (I think). One was a letter asking me to reconcile after I found out about the A and one the day before yesterday. So yes, writing that email, to him was difficult.
Apart from that, H seems to still mirror my behaviour and tries to avoid anything that he believes would bring tension between us. Unfortunately, that means he avoids sharing with me things about the past and his thoughts/feelings... which makes me feel we are not "connected". He also tells me that he thinks what we are going trhough now is normal granted the separation and affair and that he thinks sex should follow because right now, he feels we cant share intimacy.
He is happy to go out with me, he is willing to do things with me. He calls often and makes sure I know where he is/what he does and with whom.
His job is still an issue, during the week we dont see each other at all and the weekends are only 36 hours long for us. I can sense that he is not looking forward to being more with me, he is walking on eggshells and that exhausts him. I am confident that WILL change when he starts feeling happiness in our home, with me.
Tonight we are going to that show. I plan to make this a good night. I will look good, be tender, show confidence in me, find my humor, bring back some of the sunshine...
Even though we havent agreed on it, I will make with myself an agreement that I will only initiate R talks, once every 2 weeks apart from the time in MC. BUT, I will also be honest with him and express how I feel if something comes up.
Any advice/tips/suggestions on how to relax the sitch, help H but do not do his work for him is welcome. It is obvious to me that if I push harder he will crack. He is walking on eggshels constantly and since I have been there I know how much it sucks... I dont want to be asking for something he cant give because of THE WAY I am asking, do you know what I mean?
Tomorrow is my D's show. I am excited about that too. Today is a difficult day at work and I am not working...
Yesterday I bought a dress that costed 469 euros, for 60!!! A little classy black dress that fits me perfectly and I love it!!!!!!!!
I will see how my finances will go this month and will finally schedule for highlights and massage. I may look into trying pilates too. This belly of mine needs some work and the summer is approaching fast!! K
Hi M! I am so glad you decided to let him take you to the show tonight (instead of your mother, lol!).. and sounds like it will be just the thing for you two to just relax, create some new memores and have a lovely evening, with you in your sassy little black dress. I leave it to the others to offer advice as you asked above, but from your official astrologer here is some inspirational words from Yasmin Boland, now that Mercury (planet of communication) is FINALLY out of its shadow phase today and moving forwards once again...
Friday February 5 – Moon into Scorpio Moon Meditation: "After the discussions, the intimate moments!"
If you have had to work things through with your partner this week, tonight should bring a welcome change of speed – it’s a great time to get to know each other again up close and personal if you get my drift. We’re through rather a tough cycle and what comes next should be refreshing. However, whatever happened last week happened for a reason so do try to have a think about what you learned.
I don't have advice, except maybe you should reassure him a bit as well. Let him know again that you love him and want to be with him. As you said he is ashamed, and letting him know you still want to be with him, is important. Show him your soft side, like you are doing by going to the show. Show him you are still a woman that enjoys his company.
I would love to have my husband come to me and do everything H is doing for you. He is being open, honest, telling you exactly where he is at all times so you know he isn't with OW. He is trying to reassure you, and if it is extremely hard for him to share his emotion, he even did that. He seems like he wants this to work so I understand being cautious and not settling for less than you want, but look at the steps he is making and encourage him so he will take more.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
He is happy to go out with me, he is willing to do things with me. He calls often and makes sure I know where he is/what he does and with whom.
So, by this, to me, he is showing he likes being in a R with you and he wants to reassure you. It is easy to do - little effort for good return.
Quote:
Apart from that, H seems to still mirror my behaviour and tries to avoid anything that he believes would bring tension between us. Unfortunately, that means he avoids sharing with me things about the past and his thoughts/feelings... which makes me feel we are not "connected". He also tells me that he thinks what we are going trhough now is normal granted the separation and affair and that he thinks sex should follow because right now, he feels we cant share intimacy.
This is the hard work bit for him, the part he can't deal with at the moment, and the part the C should be able to help him with. Would your H read books about reconciliation after an A? I think this has been mentioned before, ( and I can't remember exactly which book it was that really made my H realise that I needed to know certain things even though they would hurt me. I know it wasn't the 'Just Good Friends book'; it may have been called something like After the Affair, or Healing from an Affair - trawl Amazon and read some of the descriptions and reviews of those types of books. It amazed my husband that I needed to know certain things that he obviously wasn't telling me because he felt ashamed he had had an A and so he convinced himself that telling me the details would hurt me. However, I needed to know. Reading it from somone elses perspective really helped him open up.
My husbands job is still an issue. I feel he still works in a way that would easily enable him to have an A and hide it from me if he wanted to. I go through periods of feeling insecure. However, he earns very good money so I am having to lump this.
I think you need to go out and have some good times together and you need to get your confidence back Kalni re the sexual side of things. Maybe this avoidance of sex has nothing to do with you at all. It may be he is having some sort of problem that he won't open up about. How does he react to just your touch? Holding hands?
Laughter is always good medicine and breaks the ice. People who smile and laugh a lot are always more attractive. Out of C'ing and when out socially try to keep it light and fluffy. Even flirt a bit with other guys around if there are any. Remember what it is like to feel wanted. He obviously does want you - I just am not sure if that is because you make him feel safe or because he wants his M. Only time will tell.
Have a lovely night out and knock them dead in your new dress!!!!
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I have bought and read all books mentioned on the boards about affairs. Not Just friends, My husband's affair..., healing after infidelity, etc etc. The problem is they are all in English. He cant read them. He tried once but it was too difficult for him to understand. The only one I have in Greek is The Monogamy Myth, the translation is not that good and I dont like it.
I was hoping the C will help him with opening up as well. That and time and feeling secure again to do so.
He obviously does want you - I just am not sure if that is because you make him feel safe or because he wants his M. Only time will tell.
I dont understand that. Both options dont sound good to me. What do you mean making him feel safe or because he wants the M? Shouldn't he feel both and love me on top of that?
here is some inspirational words from Yasmin Boland, now that Mercury (planet of communication) is FINALLY out of its shadow phase today and moving forwards once again...