Just want my H back

[LookingFrAnswers]

LFA said a few posts back "you did not break him and you cannot fix him". That resonated and helped me not blame myself so much.

H, I'm so glad something I said helped you! But, just to clarify, I "borrowed" that line from another post. It was from an old post by Mermaid to Lost41. Just want to give credit where it's due. BTW, it helped me too. ((((hugs)))) H, & go rock Vegas!!!

[LookingFrAnswers]

So her biggest regret was time wasted wanting her old life back, which was gone forever. Time missing something that would never be the same again. THAT LIFE was gone. An event had occurred that had changed HER and all those around her. They'd never be the same again -true- but they would be happy again. The regret was how long it took her to focus on what she still had and could create for the rest of her life, from this day forward....

j-

How true! Thanks 25. This IS something to remember!

[talia]

HHH,
How are you doing? Any updates? I was thinking about you this weekend. I hope all is well!!


T

[hhh]

Thanks 25 for your thoughts and update on what you found w L. I have a consulation tomorrow, and spoke at length with him on Friday. After I will decide if I go this route. SO, I found out in MA Length of M is huge consideration - in short-term M no kids (mine) they attempt to return you to the state you were in before M. Before M, I had some savings and H had some debt; now those amounts are just bigger in the same directions. No real rights to alimony (and frankly he has a lot of debt now, I have decent savings) - I contributed some $ but NOT big bucks in the scheme of things, and if H willing to pay some share back, great, if not, I may decide to let it go (or pursue through other channels based on what I find out tomorrow). So I'll let you all know how it goes after. But I'm educating myself as much as I can while I still live here.

You're right 25, his life may not be as 'rosy' as it seemed for awhile..we've had some decent/civil/friendly email correspondence and it sounds like he's not loving his job and it's a big dose of reality. But that's his issue. I think there are a lot of things he's giving up by walking out on this M...but so be it, that is his perogative.

I am moving to SF. Do you still live in CA 25?
Hugs to you...and thank you for all the guidance you have given to others on this site.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi H,
it sounds like he's not loving his job and it's a big dose of reality. But that's his issue. I think there are a lot of things he's giving up by walking out on this M...but so be it, that is his perogative.

Yes it is. You are so right.

Thanks for stopping by my thread today. So glad you talked to the L! I think you are definitely going in the right direction - just gathering all the knowledge & info you can, and then decide what you will do.

So exciting that you're moving to SF. Did I ever tell you I am a native of CA too? Sacramento though, up north. I moved when I was 10, so I'm really an Ohian now.

Thanks for your support, it means so much. ((((H))))

[hhh]

Dear Talia,

Thank you for checking in and I’ve been thinking about you as well… checked out a little of your posts and it sounds like we are going through some similarities in our situations and the roller coaster of emotions that can come w being a LBS. I have weeks of doing great and then weeks of obsessing a bit more. I think this is all normal. I was just a little offended by some comments about 'get your mental state under control' etc.. It felt like an attack on me as a person and a response to just my more recent posts. We are all struggling w the painful emotions of divorce and here to support each other. You don't need to proselytise me on the benefits of IC. I saw someone last yr and going to him again few times before I leave (when I move I will set up w someone new). I know it can be very helpful. Interestingly enough, when I wasn't going last fall (b/c change of insurance) - i stopped talking/thinking about H completely - and focused on other stuff without heaviness of R-talk, and felt much better). It has its benefit absolutely, but sometimes a break can help as well. I have many friends that have gone down this path, and their shared lessons/learnings have helped me just as much. One of the biggest things I am focused on is making decisions for myself, since I get input from a lot of people (i know i seek it out too) and finding out what is right for me.

There was various reasons why I felt set back 2 weeks ago, some of which didn't have ton to do w husband (huge x-country move, living in same city as my mom which comes w its own challenges...ugh. but for most part have been excited about). I was in a LOW place exactly two weeks ago. I haven't felt like that since last spring. Got home from a work trip and had awesome conversation w a friend who went through this years ago. I was hurting so much and she said to me" 'this is good...you are doing the hard work and paving the way for what's to come next' I had never thought about it that way. I was dealing w the emotions, the sadness, the grief..and then 1-2 days later was SICK of feeling that was and went out and had some FUN! You will see as you go through this process it can often be 2 steps forward 1 step back, then 3 steps foward, 1 back. Sometimes it just sucks. But I have been so inspired by others that have gone through this path before, and have an AMAZING network of friends who help me.

I am also sad to leave the east coast; I've met some great friends here. Just a week and a half ago after my sad week I went out w a girl who got D telling me all about the 'D makeover'...it made me want to go out and go shopping! I too, like you and Pearl, have had many a nights when I've gone out dancing w friends that I just love coming home to my own place and doing my own thing.

You say you think H does not respect me. I simply do not think that is true, at least currently, based on anything I've done recently. I've vented a bit on this site but nothing that I've showed him in terms of pursuit/my emotions. Yes, I think he's been a jerk across this past yr (and believe me, I've done my soul searching to understand what I did wrong in our M) but if so I think it's b/c of who he's become now (kind of a more self-centered individual, w the WAS script/fog).

I have been operating under the assumption that I am already D. Of course this is a DB site and we'd all like to see what we can do to influence positive outcome in our M, but I do not make decision based on H anymore, and haven't for quite some time (doesn't mean I don't obsess from time to time). But I see nothing wrong in trying to have a positive interaction w him before I leave. In the past yes I think I relied on him to make me happy so seeing me happy on my own is a small start. Keeping the road home paved and smooth, if there ever is a chance, is what 25 once said and I agree...this is not mutually exclusive w setting healthy boundaries, I know.

So an update, and these are just the small steps I am looking for (please know that I am not reading into any of this as meaning he wants to reconcile). H now emails me back within 24 hours (last yr weeks would go by), he is friendly and joking and civil. He asked if I was around this weekend and would like to meet up. I am trying to let the past go and pave the way for a possible friendship. I am not doing just for him, doing it so I can feel like I tried everything to save my marriage, to show him my best self, to hold head high and have integrity throughout the process. I don't think we'd be amazing friend if/after D, but I'm trying to have a slight friendship now, if possible, and let the past go. That does not mean I let him walk all over me or make decision based on him...I still go out and have a life and flirt and operate under the assumption that he is not in my life.

Truthfully I think what works for some does not work for others and vice versa. We've had interactions before and I've walked away thinking 'i don't want to be w him' when he's been a jerk and felt more ready to move on. And sometimes it's been civil and kind and i've felt a warm-ness in my heart for him and he's responded positively to me. And I've shown him my best self and I think he recognizes it (fake it till you make it sometimes!)...it may not do anything in the scheme of things but at least I can sleep at night knowing I did all I can to save my M.

I see little risk in seeing him across next few weeks..yes I need to be in a calm place and no it's not just to show him how i've changed. It makes me feel good when we have healthy/kind interactions, even if this does end. Part of me feels 'what do I have to lose?' (b/c I operate under the assumption that this has already ended)

Sorry for such a long post. There were many thoughts swimming in my head last week after the posts. I often come on here when I'm feeling low or confused, but that does not mean I do not GAL a lot...I've been dancing and yoga and cooking classes and met a ton of new people. I've learned how to live in the present more. I've become more compassionate. I've looked at ways that I could have been more loving in my M, but also a lot of the sh-- husband through at me/blamed me for. I've gone on dates and have been surprised by some of the attn I've gotten going out and how I can get my mojo back more quickly that I thought. I've talked to some guys lately where I feel the strong/confident woman-side of me comes out and they are not threatened by it.

I am leaving a chapter of my life behind. The unknown can be great and/or it can be daunting. I know attitude has so much to do with it. Sometimes I feel compassion for H and it feels nice..yes I had some bitterness and anger too the other week..and as Pearl rightly said 'hold onto that anger' at times (as long as it does not consume you).. it makes me think/feel (and reiterated by the kind folks on this site) that I do deserve better. H has been incredibly immature throughout that process and while I was in a self-blame cycle for awhile, sometimes i need a little reminder of the good in me and the 'bad' in H (wrote that list that pearl suggested awhile back, and it helps).

Yes sometimes I do feel sad/scared about every finding love again..but I think you just need to believe that it will happen, as that energy goes out and returns what you send out. I will always miss the love of my H (and have such tender memories), but I've met some new people throughout this process and have been so inspired by others who have found it - and even better - again. In many ways this S/D process has returned me to the 'old hhh'. I often sit in church in the middle of the day and pray (sometimes cry too) and feel like I am connecting to something higher, or try to.

I look forward to supporting each other through this process.
-hhh

[GoBison]

hhh,

Glad to see that you are doing better. I hope that you take 25's advice and go with the L. I am similar to you in that we have no kids and minimal assets to speak of. I chose to go with a lawyer and a week from tomorrow we go to through financial evaulation/mediation. The cost of a L seems outrageous but I think it saved me a whole lot more than having to deal with everything and then leaving the unknown of what I may have missed. The drama of the two of us sitting down together and doing it on our own was not something that I wanted to deal with either.

I went with the L as more of tough love trying to DB my W. Didn't help for that but it made life easier for me and I know that I will be getting a fair deal from it. Going with a L when my W just wanted to up and get it over with also made me feel like I had some control in the sitch and she wasn't calling all the shots. Will it be the same outcome on our things maybe. Good luck on whatever you decide.

[hhh]

Thanks Gb and glad to hear you are doing a bit better. Sorry we are both here, but here we are. I'm going for consult to educate, but this is a no fault state and unlikely much to get based on what he's told me so far (the MA div lawyer, that is)..for me i need to think of the cost for what it's worth, and make the decision then. At least I will meet w him before I address the issue w H.

H and I have been emailing friendly emails lately - actually in response to my request to send me taxes. He asked me to lunch downtown on Sat. Going to try to be strong...we've been civil/kind these past few weeks, which is a good step, as I parallel process the moving on.

Have a good night
-hhh

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Talia,

Thank you for checking in and I’ve been thinking about you as well… checked out a little of your posts and it sounds like we are going through some similarities in our situations and the roller coaster of emotions that can come w being a LBS. I have weeks of doing great and then weeks of obsessing a bit more. I think this is all normal. I was just a little offended by some comments about 'get your mental state under control' etc.. It felt like an attack on me as a person and a response to just my more recent posts. We are all struggling w the painful emotions of divorce and here to support each other. You don't need to proselytise me on the benefits of IC. I saw someone last yr and going to him again few times before I leave (when I move I will set up w someone new). I know it can be very helpful. Interestingly enough, when I wasn't going last fall (b/c change of insurance) - i stopped talking/thinking about H completely - and focused on other stuff without heaviness of R-talk, and felt much better). It has its benefit absolutely, but sometimes a break can help as well. I have many friends that have gone down this path, and their shared lessons/learnings have helped me just as much. One of the biggest things I am focused on is making decisions for myself, since I get input from a lot of people (i know i seek it out too) and finding out what is right for me.

There was various reasons why I felt set back 2 weeks ago, some of which didn't have ton to do w husband (huge x-country move, living in same city as my mom which comes w its own challenges...ugh. but for most part have been excited about). I was in a LOW place exactly two weeks ago. I haven't felt like that since last spring. Got home from a work trip and had awesome conversation w a friend who went through this years ago. I was hurting so much and she said to me" 'this is good...you are doing the hard work and paving the way for what's to come next' I had never thought about it that way. I was dealing w the emotions, the sadness, the grief..and then 1-2 days later was SICK of feeling that was and went out and had some FUN! You will see as you go through this process it can often be 2 steps forward 1 step back, then 3 steps foward, 1 back. Sometimes it just sucks. But I have been so inspired by others that have gone through this path before, and have an AMAZING network of friends who help me.

I am also sad to leave the east coast; I've met some great friends here. Just a week and a half ago after my sad week I went out w a girl who got D telling me all about the 'D makeover'...it made me want to go out and go shopping! I too, like you and Pearl, have had many a nights when I've gone out dancing w friends that I just love coming home to my own place and doing my own thing.

You say you think H does not respect me. I simply do not think that is true, at least currently, based on anything I've done recently. I've vented a bit on this site but nothing that I've showed him in terms of pursuit/my emotions. Yes, I think he's been a jerk across this past yr (and believe me, I've done my soul searching to understand what I did wrong in our M) but if so I think it's b/c of who he's become now (kind of a more self-centered individual, w the WAS script/fog).

I have been operating under the assumption that I am already D. Of course this is a DB site and we'd all like to see what we can do to influence positive outcome in our M, but I do not make decision based on H anymore, and haven't for quite some time (doesn't mean I don't obsess from time to time). But I see nothing wrong in trying to have a positive interaction w him before I leave. In the past yes I think I relied on him to make me happy so seeing me happy on my own is a small start. Keeping the road home paved and smooth, if there ever is a chance, is what 25 once said and I agree...this is not mutually exclusive w setting healthy boundaries, I know.

So an update, and these are just the small steps I am looking for (please know that I am not reading into any of this as meaning he wants to reconcile). H now emails me back within 24 hours (last yr weeks would go by), he is friendly and joking and civil. He asked if I was around this weekend and would like to meet up. I am trying to let the past go and pave the way for a possible friendship. I am not doing just for him, doing it so I can feel like I tried everything to save my marriage, to show him my best self, to hold head high and have integrity throughout the process. I don't think we'd be amazing friend if/after D, but I'm trying to have a slight friendship now, if possible, and let the past go. That does not mean I let him walk all over me or make decision based on him...I still go out and have a life and flirt and operate under the assumption that he is not in my life.

Truthfully I think what works for some does not work for others and vice versa. We've had interactions before and I've walked away thinking 'i don't want to be w him' when he's been a jerk and felt more ready to move on. And sometimes it's been civil and kind and i've felt a warm-ness in my heart for him and he's responded positively to me. And I've shown him my best self and I think he recognizes it (fake it till you make it sometimes!)...it may not do anything in the scheme of things but at least I can sleep at night knowing I did all I can to save my M.

I see little risk in seeing him across next few weeks..yes I need to be in a calm place and no it's not just to show him how i've changed. It makes me feel good when we have healthy/kind interactions, even if this does end. Part of me feels 'what do I have to lose?' (b/c I operate under the assumption that this has already ended)

Sorry for such a long post. There were many thoughts swimming in my head last week after the posts. I often come on here when I'm feeling low or confused, but that does not mean I do not GAL a lot...I've been dancing and yoga and cooking classes and met a ton of new people. I've learned how to live in the present more. I've become more compassionate. I've looked at ways that I could have been more loving in my M, but also a lot of the sh-- husband through at me/blamed me for. I've gone on dates and have been surprised by some of the attn I've gotten going out and how I can get my mojo back more quickly that I thought. I've talked to some guys lately where I feel the strong/confident woman-side of me comes out and they are not threatened by it.

I am leaving a chapter of my life behind. The unknown can be great and/or it can be daunting. I know attitude has so much to do with it. Sometimes I feel compassion for H and it feels nice..yes I had some bitterness and anger too the other week..and as Pearl rightly said 'hold onto that anger' at times (as long as it does not consume you).. it makes me think/feel (and reiterated by the kind folks on this site) that I do deserve better. H has been incredibly immature throughout that process and while I was in a self-blame cycle for awhile, sometimes i need a little reminder of the good in me and the 'bad' in H (wrote that list that pearl suggested awhile back, and it helps).

Yes sometimes I do feel sad/scared about every finding love again..but I think you just need to believe that it will happen, as that energy goes out and returns what you send out. I will always miss the love of my H (and have such tender memories), but I've met some new people throughout this process and have been so inspired by others who have found it - and even better - again. In many ways this S/D process has returned me to the 'old hhh'. I often sit in church in the middle of the day and pray (sometimes cry too) and feel like I am connecting to something higher, or try to.

I look forward to supporting each other through this process.
-hhh

I lack the time to go point by point but there's a lot here...I highlighted the attitude comment. H, it is THE SINGLE BIGGEST FACTOR IN HOW YOUR LIFE GOES FROM NOW ON and don't you forget that.

You are the author of the book of YOUR life. You need to be writing it and deciding how you want the next chapter(s) to go and how you want it to end...knowing that you won't see the end until each and every chapter is written, by you, as it comes, being in the present, fully present for the present, and moving forward....Not letting your stbx h writing ANY of it again...and IF he tries to join up with you someday in the future, cross that bridge when you get to it and waste NO time pondering it now. You have too much ELSE to consider...such as, for instance, ask yourself EACH DAY, what you can create that day, which is everything in your life that day...and then create it....in a way, I envy your freedom. No, I don't need pity nor am I having my own MLC (ok, a little one) but I had a birthday and still have a child at home, with 2 almost totally out of the house/college, and know that I'll never have the house alone (if all goes WELL & no one dies prematurely!!) nor will I ever have my kids all under the same roof again; those days are over. I will not take ALL the classes I wanted, join all the things I wanted or switch to the overseas job I wanted to live where I wanted when h was gone...I mean, things are so settled with h now (although technically he's ALWAYS looking to move to another job that pays better or where houses are cheaper) and there are many days when you notice your age and that you did NOT check off the bucket list, the items you thought you'd check off by now...and you have to consider your spouse again, sometimes more than yourself if they earn more and and and... you regret.

Your h will have more self doubt than you. He has to. He made the choice to leave whereas you made the best of a sitch in which you did not have control. So you won't have the regrets or self doubts he'll have to have for anything that doesn't go his way...he'll have to wonder if it'd have been easier "if only" he had given things another chance or let his love resurface instead of burying it under his easily bruised ego...the job isn't great? Oh, who will soothe him and remind him of how far he's come....?? NOT YOU...or he gets the promotion and is so happy and who knows how far he came and what he went through to get it? Oh, not you...no one has your history. Period.

WHereas, when you meet OM, your history will have a stain on it from your h b/c HE put it there so the comparisons won't all be to his benefit. No way...

Good news on the L front for you. Knowledge is power, trust me on that. Even if all you do is feel comforted by knowing you checked into things and weren't goofy afraid to know, that's worth a lot. And who knows? You may be able to call a bluff if he tries one, or keep him from ever ever guilting you about anything...please...keep the facts straight in case he gets "amnesia" as MLCers are wont to do...for the record, my dear h literally forgot saying some big things like when I asked him if he was really going "to choose a job over his family" and he said "For now...yes"...and when our then d16 asked why he'd do something that was a "dealbreaker for mom" he was silent...NEVER answered and we were all at the table. I know where I was standing and what I was holding (paint brush, in the new bathroom) and he cannot recall "ever saying something like that"....I believe him. I mean, I believe he cannot recall it and he's embarrassed as hell now that the fog lifted that he was an ass....a selfish crazy fool who I would have bet my life would not ever do or say something like that. So Keep the record in your head straight, without holding a score card.

I mean you can see him objectively with love, and yet be resigned to the knowledge that he's out to lunch now and as he is presently, he's NOT h material for you...keep THAT in mind too. IF the old h resurfaces and if the old h was as good as you may recall him (we OFTEN recall them the way we wish they were, not the way they really were most of the time, and that is the loss we feel, not the actual loss of the real them...so if you're going to feel crappy about your loss, at least be real about what you lost...know what I mean?
I'm honestly excited for you. IF I were div and had no kids, I'd do what you are doing. I'd switch jobs and move to a beautiful area of the country/world and meet new fun people, do new interesting things, go to fascinating places and seriously truly--- GAL...OH YEAH!! (Drum roll continues.... )

I live in Southern Cal but my fav aunt lives in the SF area. I see her often. IT is stunning there and except for where I live, that would be the other place (and San Diego) I'd live as it is so beautiful. It's a lovely state. Wacky high taxes but hey, the real estate market has bottomed out so for YOU, that's good news...And it is so beautiful simply driving the coast, going to the beach and having nice great weather makes a huge diff to me....quality of life baby. You'll have it.

Good luck,
j-

[hhh]

Thanks 25, I will continue to try to focus on attitude and living each day in the moment. And living for myself, opening that space for the new to come as we release the old. Glad going to L before seeing h. Interesting this is I did send the simple tax email a la Talia's suggsetion awhile back, and he responded a day later that he would get to me asap and btw, could I meet him for lunch on Saturday? We have been friendly back and forth and he's been very responsive via email - that is a small step in us having slight friendship/civil relationship. You don't know unless you try. I'm try to see him with compassion and distance and leave the heavy stuff out. DB coach awhile back (I had 3 sessions) say you need to start to rebuild a friendship to pave the way for possibility of anything. I am not doing this intention of getting H back or letting him guide how I act, I'd doing this b/c it's a way to leave the past behind and release the anger for myself (and as you once said, keep the road home paved smooth). But know that I am not going in with those expectations..but the small friendship and the kindness is a nice dynamic that we have now.

Will check back in after L consult. Feeling a little shaky after a tough interaction w my mom last night..I am nervous about living so close to her. We are very close but also she can be very controlling and we can have rocky relationship from time to time. She lectured me last night about how I need we need to go to therapy together when I get home so we can have a better relationship. Maybe so. But I need/want to put my energies right now into healing from all this H stuff/practicality of L/and moving efforts. SHe keeps telling me what I need to do/change without looking at what she brings to the relationship. Some of the same DB stuff. You can only control you; wish she would apply that to herself (she can very very critical and judgmental) as opposed to keep telling me what to do. Moms...I guess another issue entirely.

Anyways, more later, have a good day..
-hhh