She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[Ready2Change]

Can you elaborate about what led you to recommend divorce poison?

This Statement:

The fact is, you don't know what she's up to. And, given that she has filed for D, it's not your problem unless it impacts the children. And even then, you may not be able to do a thing about it....Certainly let your L know about how W is spending her time with the kids.

and these:

...the lies never stop....Now I'm dealing with the consequences of my inaction....

I feel Divorce Poison helped clarify when I needed to take action for inappropriate behavior of my MsR2C.

[Awoken]

Thanks R2C; that helps.

I first read Divorce Poison when D17 told me that W was saying bad things about me. That seems like a long time ago. Surprisingly, it's best use to me has been understanding how to improve my own conversations with my kids. I've never spoken badly about W to them, and as her behavior has gotten worse both D17 and S13 want to engage me about W. I like to think reading that book has helped me handle those conversations, like when S13 asked me "is mom bi-polar?"

I can see how as we work through the divorce, things could escalate. I'll reread the book.

[Ready2Change]

Yes, knowing effective ways to respond to our kids questions and concerns is important.

Rereading some of these books is also important. I have read the four agreements countless times. Each time, I get something new.

[Awoken]

I've got some true GAL coming up for valentine's weekend. I'm performing in NY, with my favorite musicians. We have a deep bond, it's friendship but also something a little unique among musicians. It's a true joy for me.

In the past, I thought that W really supported me in this part of my career. She's a musician herself. I travel a lot for gigs, but I truly spend more time with my family than many that work 9-5 jobs. When possible, I would take my family. Often I would take one of the kids, and sometimes both. Our plan had been that when the kids moved out, W could go to all the international places with me. She's been out of the country a few times with me, and we've had a great time.

So...This past spring I had three weeks of touring, spread out over a few months. We discussed it at length before I accepted the gigs, and she seemed sure that I should do them. I tried to get W to come to either the Spain, New York, or Brazil gigs, but she declined saying she was too busy at work. I now know this was a warning sign. A couple of weeks before she dropped the bomb, Someone posted some video on youtube of us performing in NY, and I tried to share it with her. She shocked me by saying "stop rubbing it in my $#ing face!". I was speechless, and just shocked. It was unlike anything she's ever had to say to me before, even with her moodswings. I figured she was having a very bad day, and I would just wait it out. When she dropped the bomb, I had almost forgotten about it.

I'm gonna go to new york, and enjoy sharing music for four days. But in my mind I now have some guilt about how my music has impacted my marriage, that I have never had before. I need to sort it out.

This is bitter-sweet too. When I first started performing, I was driven to go sit-in at jam sessions because my first love broke my heart. (very cliche I know, but I was 19). No one knew me, or anything about me. I would just get up on stage, not caring about anything and just play. One time an older musician, a famous veteran in the music community, leaned over and whispered in my ear "What was her name?"

Now, when I play, I've got some of the same feeling again, heartbroken surrender I guess. Duke Ellington's autobiography is titled "Music is my Mistress". Now I'm worried that music is a guilty pleasure.

It's just more stuff I got to work out.

[January girl]

It's a true joy for me.

But in my mind I now have some guilt about how my music has impacted my marriage, that I have never had before. I need to sort it out.

Now I'm worried that music is a guilty pleasure.

It's just more stuff I got to work out.

OK so here is my take on this (for whatever it's worth)...
Music is obviously something that calms your soul....which
I understand because H is a musician too. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about because it's not like you up and abandoned your family one day. You did/do this as a vocation which is ok. I would see this as a tool to help you thru these tough times. I'm so glad you have a plan for V-day. Have a great day!

I think that your W is simply jealous of your success/ enjoyment in this area....how petty of her!! I'm sure she could have those things too if she'd get her head out of her a$$ and sober up!
(Just saying)

[Sister]

((Awoken))

I'm gonna go to new york, and enjoy sharing music for four days. But in my mind I now have some guilt about how my music has impacted my marriage, that I have never had before. I need to sort it out.

You should feel NO guilt here. She KNEW this and was a part of this when you two met and got together. It was HER choice to abandon her music and NOT participate in yours. You tried to include her and your family in this.

You know you have a special talent in your music and it is a great outlet that you should take advantage of. It is part of who you are. And she knows that.

Go to New York and have a FABULOUS time with your friends...leave the guilt at home.

[givingitmyall]

Awoken,

I agree with what the others have said. NO GUILT.

I would add that your W is likely at a place where she will say anything (true or not) to justify her decision to D. That's why we say not to believe anything they say and only half of what they do.

[flowmom]

Awoken, I agree it sounds like music is a positive part of your life and that you should GAL with no guilt.

I also want to share with you how some of H's activity passions have contributed to our marriage problems. I'm not saying that your W's experience is the same or even similar to mine...I'll leave it to you to think about whether there are any parallels. First, I am a very independent woman and I've always encouraged H to do things that he enjoys, etc. OTOH, the way that H has pursued his activity passions has left me out in the cold at times. I've perceived that H has at times pursued ego gratification in those activities at the expense of caring for our R or allowing me the time that I need for self care (in our parenting years). Sometimes his activities have felt like an A to me in a way. Now his activity passions have outlasted our M . Again, I want to emphasize that people do not see me as controlling of H's time or activities...on the contrary. But there have been hurt feelings on my part about how H has managed his activities, and how he has communicated his priorities to me. In our parenting years, there hasn't been much space for me to GAL because of H's activities. He turned his major activity passion into a side business, and that legitimized all the time and money he was spending on it, but it may not have been the best option for work-life balance.

Anyway, ignore if none of this resonates with you. And have a great trip .

[Awoken]

Thanks flowmom,

You are hitting on exactly what I'm trying to figure out. I'm certain W has some resentment about my career success. It's just that she hasn't expressed any of it until very recently. Music has been our main source of income for the entire 18 years we have been together. W has tried a large number of various hobbies and careers, which I've fully funded and tried to fully support emotionally.

She says that I'm resentful that I've given up a bigger career in music in order to support her, and it pisses her off. I've thought hard about this. I've never said anything like that, and my true feelings have been that becoming a husband and father have saved me. I wouldn't trade my family for anything. In fact, they are what give my music meaning.

She says she is trying to find herself, and she can't do it with me helping her all the time. I think that is a valid point. Still, I have to wonder about her new resentment of my music. I wonder how new it is. Has she been angry about it all these years? Is it jealousy, or just anger at my absences? She has said that she's "raised the kids" while I play music, but I don't think that is fair or true. I've been a dedicated father, and spend countless hours with my kids. Truthfully, I've done a lot more gigs than I've wanted to just to support her bipolar spending sprees. But then I would dedicate the rest of my time to the kids; D17 recently pointed out that is was W that choose not to participate.

It's true, we have not had a traditional family schedule, and that is likely part of the problem. I just wonder how much of this is her rewriting history.

sigh, I do just want to move on.

[flowmom]

It's true, we have not had a traditional family schedule, and that is likely part of the problem.

Because of my H's primary job, we haven't had much of a traditional family schedule, and that has been hard. I guess if someone is financially supporting you, you have to take the lumps of their job, but I admit that I've been resentful since we have had kids that our schedule is always so messed up. H's schedule has and still does structure my entire life.

I just wonder how much of this is her rewriting history.

Probably 93% .

Anyway, no intention to guilt trip you or anything.