Andy: It was AWESOME! I really needed to get out of town, and Breitenbush was the perfect place to do it!I feel more committed to my meditation practice and learned more about how to calm the "monkey mind." I also met some people from my town and we've talked about forming a meditation book group to help keep each other on track. To date, we haven't done it, but I think we will. AND...I have now appeared naked in public and on purpose in a mixed gender setting for the purpose of hottubbing. I can't say I was comfortable the whole time, but I did it and am proud of myself.
WCW: I was thinking the same thing! I am committed to enjoying the changes. Maybe I'll live here forever, and maybe I'll sell when the market improves. However it works out, everything I do makes the house cozy and lovely--definitely better feng shui flowing around here! The siding is being stripped off the house today as I type this. Wish they'd told me to take down all breakables first.
So I hired a PI with unimpressive results. She was not as experienced as I thought she was. It does seem that H and ow are living together. He continues to live a double life and doesn't know that I know that he's doing it. Next step for me is to talk to a lawyer. H is laying low right now--usually only communicates through text message these days. That's fine--my goal in texting him daily is to remind him that I'm still here. When I saw him last (about 3 weeks ago), he seemed tired and rundown. He still wants to come here and be comforted and loved. I really think he's on drugs or mentally ill or both. I alternate between feeling sorry for him and feeling frustrated and angry. He says he's really sick.. and I hope he is suffering!
I am enjoying winter break in spite of all that. We're having a stretch of sunny weather, and I am soaking it up as much as possible before the rain sets back in. The one thing I need to be careful of is maintaining PMA. If I'm not busy, I get bored,and that leads to brooding. I have PLENTY to do, God knows, but I like to be lazy on these days off as well. I can be lazy and GAL at the same time, but sometimes I cross the line into dark places and have to haul myself out of there. I'm better and faster at it than I used to be.
Ok, friends, that's it from me. Happy New Year if I'm not on before then. Be well.
I'm sorry your H crossed your boundary about living with ow. Even when you already 'know' it's still a kick in the gut to find out.
Quote:
my goal in texting him daily is to remind him that I'm still here.
amd, are you still talking to Chuck or getting other help? are they supporting and agreeing with you? IMO your H has never NOT known you are there. You are his rock. Your H needs an earthquake to shake the crapola out of him.
I hope you have a really great break! soak up plenty of that sunshine while you can!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
And I hope that the letter of release will do exactly that. I haven't talked with Chuck since that last time when we outlined the plan. This is my last effort before I hand him the letter and say goodbye. When I have not been in touch with H at all, it hasn't changed anything. He seems intrigued by this type of contact--one email or text or call--and responds to it, like a little contact is mystery enough to get his attention. Honestly, WCW, I really don't know what else to do at this point except to stick the plan I made with Chuck. That means talking to a lawyer in the next couple of weeks.
Speaking of which, one thing I'll discuss witht he L is the possibility of signing the stupid D papers H gave me. He is really strapped for money right now, and if I file myself, he may decide to not go with that agreement that gives me the house and demand more. Although I am loathe to sign the papers he drew up and forged my name on, it may be in my best interests to swallow my pride and do it. Definitely one for the L to advise me on.
In the meantime, I continue enjoy myself. Siding on the house just finished--can't wait for paint now! Just got tix for Norah Jones in April and James Taylor/ Carol King in May. Choir starts again next week.
I am spending too much time alone, though. When all your friends are married and most have kids, it's hard to find people my age to hang out with. Once I'm single again I'll have to figure this aspect out. At least I'm not the first to wrestle with that!
1. I want both of them to suffer. They don't get to live happily ever after. I want to destroy their R. I'm not proud of this, but there it is.
2. I want ow to know the truth. I want her to know that H is lying through his teeth and is messing with her and her family. As much as I loathe her, she needs to know this. Slightly more altruistic.
I'm dragging my feet in terms of doing it, though. I still have to talk to a lawyer and make sure I have all my bases convered. I know that H will not come home on his own at this point. I don't even know right now if I ever want him to come home. I want to end this on my terms, I guess, but I hate it. This is SO not the result that I hoped/ prayed/ worked for.
BTW, I am 41 now. All my horoscopes say that this will be a fantastic year for me, and it will--because I will make it so.
Love you, my DB friends. Be well. Spring is coming!
