I disagree about the doorway. Kat one time suggested you think about your WAS or X as if they were the mailman and treat them accordingly. Do you invite your mailman to come in or does your mailman feel free to come inside your house when he/she feels like it? I thought that was really good advice, and try to follow it. If your mailman started invading your boundaries, would you let them? Same goes for your X....Of course, I know that's easier said than done, but good way to decide if someone is invading/respecting your boundaries or not.
You certainly don't invite the mailman in, but you shouldn't let your dog bite him, either. Healthy boundaries. I filed today. All aboard the D train...
Karen~ All I meant was maybe if NC was comfortable with the doorway that would be the line. Actually My Mailman does stand in my doorway..
But NC we can debate all we like, it is was you want, and what you are willing to allow. I personally would be ok with the doorway, like goldey said, healthy boundaries are good.
I know how crazy you exw is, ive been with you since this started, so whatever you decide im with you.
But I do think she needs to be told that your inside your home is off limits, ESPECIALLY your bedroom....
Peace
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Hi, all, I appreciate all of your words of advice.
I'm okay with the doorway or even the foyer, because there are times when I have been asked by our S's to step into her foyer to see something -- or to step just across her threshold to close the door and keep the cold or heat outside. Sometimes it's a practical necessity, though I don't want to abuse it any more than I want her too.
Fortunately xW seems to have gotten a clue and has started refraining from entering unless necessary. I just wish she would refrain from trying to make it a regular habit to drop by my place on her way to work when I have the kids. The frequency is a bit much for me, and I find it disruptive when we're trying to get out the door ourselves.
But my S's seem to appreciate it, so I can live with it up to a point. And she has taken to ask my S's the night before, during the nightly call, to ask them if they want her to stop by the following morning. (Of course, they say yes.)
i agree with you, it's highly disruptive... i think it only makes my daugher sad when she sees me for a few min. the rare occasion i have to drop by to give my son something he forgot. I'd just ask her to stop if i were you, it's your day, but know what's best... or maybe you can leave a little earlier/later, he he.
My prayers your way! merging sucks, that's what happen in my company too.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
As long as safety is not an issue (it is for my sitch) then you can simply say, "I don't want you to come in right now". Or, let the phone go to voicemail. Simple, clear boundaries. Me, I have a different approach. "H, you are getting divorced. I never want to see you again".
Hey, got a minute to pray today? I need to be brave, and to be honest, I really don't wanna right now.
Goldey, I most certainly do have time to pray today -- for you and for everyone else who needs it. (Not necessarily because I'm snow-bound today and have no real reason to be out and about. )
I pray for all of us, myself included, to summon the courage to face the trials we face. I know you in particular have circumstances that would dishearten even the most stalwart of people, yet you muster onward. Think of your children and let that help steel your resolve -- I know it does me.
God be with you and your loved ones as you continue to secure your lives. I pray that your H and people like him will find their wake-up call and recognize the path of destruction (including self-destruction) they are on.
The job situation can be unnerving. In all things, I am trying to take things one day at a time. That's about all I can handle. My finances are so wrecked and my debts have become so high from the legal battles that it can overwhelm me if I stop to think about them too much. And if my job were to suddenly evaporate, it would cripple my ability to stay solvent.
I have faith that I would manage to survive it, but less faith than I need when it come to the fact I might lose my S's over this. I know that I should have faith in my Lord and Savior that he will see me through -- that I must not allow fear and worry to overtake me -- but if I have to relocate to be able to find secure employment, it will eliminate my ability to hold to my obligation to my children. It would be failing them, letting them down. They need me, as their father, desperately, as a positive spiritual role model. I can never trust their mother to instill in them the morals they need for their upbringing -- I cannot trust building the foundation of their lives to her, that much I am certain. I have seen far too much selfishness, lies and deceit that she models for our S's, and encourages in them for her own sake, to think she would do anything that does not serve her own self first and foremost.
Those are my fears. Laid out before all of you to see. And I am putting my faith in God to help me stand strong.
I continue to pray she will wake up one day and see what she has done to all of us and what sad lessons she has taught our poor S's -- lies, treachery, adultery, divorce, faithlessness, abandonment of family and principles. I continue to ask God to reach her and melt that icy block around her heart, before it is too late for her.
But for myself and my S's, I cannot depend on that ever happening. I have to plan for the contingency that their mother will never really get on the Godly path again. So it is all up to me now.
It is a burden and an obligation, sure. But I don't have a problem with that, as I can do no less anyway. I love my S's more than anything else on the face of this planet. Others my shirk their duties and obligations, seek their own selfish ends, throw their own children to the wolves if it means gain for themselves, and even lie to themselves and others about it, but I will not. What does it profit a man to gain the World if he loses his very soul?
So I thank you again for your prayers. And I will do what I can to muddle through this for the sake of my boys, with God's help.
You aren't failing anyone if you wind up having to relocate for your work. First of all, I believe God has a plan for you, and if you follow it you won't be failing anyone. I also think even if you relocate, you would still be a heavily involved parent, during summer/breaks, and everyday by email and phone.
I also think you're not giving your boys enough credit. My 10 year old just had a semi-long conversation with me Friday about how different she thinks her dad and I are. For some reason, she brought that up and I guess it bothers her to some extent. She said he left his family, he had a girlfriend while he is married, and stuff like that. She clearly knows what's going on, and I do believe she knows right and wrong. I just listened to her and didn't say anything really, and held her hand and gave her hugs. Don't know if I could have done that a year or 2 ago....and believe me God is watching over you and will take care of you and your boys.
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