Just want my H back

[hhh]

Wow Talia...totally get your message but definitely did sting. Yes, I know he's gone and out of my life, yes I know I need to focus on myself more, etc etc. But I don't think any of the emotional roller coaster this has been is abnormal, and it's a process w a lot of emotions, of course. Yes, I know I need to stop obsessing over these little things, etc. BUT you make a comment: "Can H Respect you based on your behavior recently?" and I've gotta say, I have NOT contacted him ONCE in the past 6+ months...every conversation/email etc has been initiated by him...I have GAL'd focused on myself, practice acceptance, excersize, go to IC, etc. But I've had a set-back recently as this has all hit home again. and yes I am sad and occassionally still mourning..and some recent circumstances have highlighted this. I have been nothing but kind and a friend to him too, and have held my head high throughout this process, and did very little pursuing..so what about my behavior is so wrong (in terms of how he would perceive?)

Across the course of our separation/early last year, I was simply a friend to him, kind, etc. and then left him the hell alone these past 6 months, really truly have (not to say I don't think about it at times and get sad)..and part of his issue w me in our M was that I was critical or selfish or whatever so early on my 180s were to be less that way, to be positive and upbeat and not complain, etc. I have not pursued him at all since last Spring...so I would think he would only have respect for me at this point (though looking back at times i probably was a bit of a doormat...) however it's a fine line, since i 'wore the pants' according to him in our M, I then tried to be less than way (for myself too, not just for him) and it can be contstrued as then 'letting yourself get taken advantage of.." So I've experimented/oscillated w standing my ground and acquiesing (since the latter he felt I rarely did). I haven't quite known how to WALK THAT LINE during this separation I guess is what I struggle w - a happy medium b/w the 2. Yes, I hear you say STAND UP for yourself but it was the opposite in our M (where he always gave into me, so I have been trying to somewhat do 180 here, while still have self-respect).

I am also trying to just be loving and kind, not be eaten up w anger, etc. Of course your self-esteem takes a big hit when you go through something like this, how could it not??

I think your wording via email makes perfect sense.. but I still don't see any harm in trying to keep a friendship so things are civil at this stage. Yes it is hard b/c there are still emotions there, and yes it's not fair that he just walked out without giving it any kind of shot, but it is what it is.

I think i have made A LOT of gains across this past year, but of course the denial can come back from time to time..it HURTS>.it is what it is and I guess you've just gotta feel these emotions. It's hard to sign papers (seem like you are in that situation too) when you don't want too and my H yes is pressing for joint petition.

Yes I like my job, I don't like the travel (had that issue before too but it WAS EASIER w a partner and I will readily admit that). When you are newly single and on the road again, it is harder to meet someone - it was nice to have my partner to come home too so i don't think that it's at all abnormal that this is harder for me now given what I am going through. Having distractions and activities w friends at night lessens the pain of D than being by yourself in a hotel room. and yes, H and I agreed that post bus-school I could work part time and not do this job, so yes it's not where I thought i'd be and having a partner and mutual support (financial included) makes some of these joint-decisions easier. I can scale back and plan to, but it's a salary change and lifestyle change that I will now have to do on my own. I think all of the bigger questions that ann impending D brings up (where to live, job, lifestyle considerations etc) are completely normal - it makes you face things in a whole different light.

Did I answer your ?s? I was just responding to Pearls ? about what is this so much more acute now when I was doing so well before, and it's a combo of factors, crazy work travel included. I think it's very understandable given the situation at hand and some bitterness given our past conversations about me scaling back after supporting him.

And no, i dont want to operate out of fear...but H has played some psychological mindgames w me across this past yr...He lashes out at times unpredictably like when he asked me to pay him back for health insurance. I stood up for myself in the moment and said "H, I don't think it's appropriate for you to ask me to pay back insurance $ when I've paid X for your tuition" and he went off about how I was selfish and never thought of us as a team and only out for myself etc etc... so in that moment I am thinking 'what did i do so wrong?' I'm a fool if I acquiese but then a bad person when I stand my ground...so it's been tricky territory to chart and tread on, and of course it hurts when he then lashes out at me..I don't want to fight, and then he makes me think "goodness am I being selfish?" As one friend rightly pointed out 'you're often b/w a rock and a hard place w him' damned if i do and damned if i don't is sometimes how i feel.

I get what you are saying, it just came across a little harsh.

[hhh]

One other thing I will add is that I need to feel strong and empowered now, not weak...and the positive motivation helps me, not so the harshness. I don't want to feel 'shaky' for lack of a better word as I go about my life and also do the inevitable correspondence w H. I think I have done everything I can to save this marriage and practicing acceptance and letting go is an everyday commitment, and not always easy.

I know I am a good person and have a lot to offer - and H has been a jerk across this past yr - it helps to remind myself of that and then the good in me. (and I guess your message just 'shook' me a bit, like I was flawed for feeling this way and trying to be cautious about how I approach the situation..i'm trying to be strong and in a positive place, and it just made me feel a little weak, to be honest).

I don't want to operate out of fear but please understand that I have been burned before as I've experimented with different approaches that seemed to backfire. What helps me - and what i've been doing - is going out and having fun and focusing on other things and work as needed, etc.. and you guys of all people know that this roller coaster is normal, and it's OK to feel this way from time to time. Past posts from 25 and Pearl have been honest and inspirational to me...I guess I need more inspiration at this point.

Your email correspondence suggestions were very good, yes, and totally neutral...and I will likely send a very similar email in the coming days (might just have my L consultation first) - but why do I still feel fear in sending them? I don't know, but I do.

That's all, just more rambling thoughts..
hhh

[LookingFrAnswers]

Keep detaching, stop worrying, keep busy, have fun. Well I am going to Vegas this weekend (my first time ever!) w some friends and I am looking forward to having fun!

There you go! That sounds awesome! Have a great time!!

[/quote]
LFA I think about you often too. Do you ever think you'll have a friendship w H or even want to? Or perhaps just having him totally out of life is easiest way to move on?

[/quote] No, and no. I don't think this is possible, given how I feel, and he is not my friend. He used to be my best friend, I thought. But what he's done has certainly changed all that. Interesting question H, I haven't really thought about it. I associate H with pain now, and therefore it is easier not to see him. But having the giant hole in my heart, that's what will take a very very long time to heal.

Have a great time in Vegas, have fun & try to keep that focus on you! Keep up that attitude, you can do this.

[hhh]

Thanks LFA...sounds like you are staying strong and detaching more and more..good for you! and I'll let you know how Vegas goes maybe I'll get lucky and win big or meet a celebrity..either way i'll get some spa time and have fun time w friends!

I've been thinking a lot these past couple hrs. For some reason Talia's post really stung -I know it's from a place of love and caring from what we're all going through. For more context Talia I read your thread as well, and know that you, as I, have had some awesome days lately where I have felt truly happy and like this process has made me face some things and work on my own happiness, and other days consumed by loneliness. I too have nights where I just want to be held by H. Healing also takes time - a long time when you've been w someone for 12 yrs -and sometimes it can be two steps forward and one step back. I don't feel like I need to apologize for this and I also don't feel like I'm an insecure person (but yes, of course your esteem takes a beating when you go through this).

For context as to where these feelings come from, H has told me on several occassions that he felt I always felt like I was better than him (and sometimes, esp early in our M, I did), and HE was not good enough. So it is very humbling to go through this. I thought he would never leave me (if anything I thought I might wonder what else was out there/could I do better/better fit?) He felt he was not good enough for a variety of reasons. LFA said a few posts back "you did not break him and you cannot fix him". That resonated and helped me not blame myself so much. Of course there was a natural feeling of 'did I drive him away?' given what he's told me since our S. S/D makes you take an honest look at yourself and things that you did that were hurtful/critical whatever. I guess hearing that I seem insecure doesn't help, what helps me more is to know just that, that 'i did not break him and cannot fix him'. Many of our oldest friends noticed this dynamic from early days, how he deferred to me all the time, so I now that we both played a role here, and maybe he's angry at himself too for not stepping up more back then. We've sorta reversed roles I guess, in this separation. But you can also understand - i would hope - how the blame cycle is natural when H continually tells you you pushed him away. HOWEVER, I absolutely see (and others notice too) that he has his own identity issues he's been struggling w over the past yr...it's blantantly apparent on FB and other outlets that he is trying to prove something, that he is not totally comfortable in his own skin, that he has been going through struggles in this process as well (from simple home at night family guy to wild-partier-passing-out-drunk mega-ego all of a sudden...but in a way that feels forced and not natural). That's when I know it's not all me.

It's hard too b/c many times during our M, people would say how wonderful he was etc etc - almost too good - and then there's this natural tendency to think 'what have I lost, what did I give up?" and then panic sets in. As said in earlier posts, sometimes I wonder if it was just timing or age and we really could have worked, but analysis does no good.

I hear you too Talia in that you don't believe in D...but it sounds like you've struggled w the same things I have...you don't want it to end - and it's hard to let go - but you can't make them come back. Believe me, there are days I also feel like "I am great. H is missing out... I've made these great changes and feel good and he's off in la la land...his loss" I think we are both going through the same ups and downs and emotions here.

I'll mention one other thing. It's hard, when you see some sitches turn around, and when you get all this advice that when you GAL and do your own thing, that WAS often becomes curious as to what you are up to and may realize you weren't all that bad, that they had a good thing w you. But I'll be blantantly honest that, yes, GAL has turned me from so sad last Spring to happy 6 out of 7 days last Fall, PMA and all...but there is a small small piece of you that is hard to let go of that hope that yes, maybe they will notice you now that you have stopped pursuing (I did)...last summer H emailed me and I wouldn't respond for days and he'd write back "are you ok? what happened? haven't heard from you?... that of COURSE there was a small shred of hope that while I don't care why you do (I am saying/thinking this), I am happy w my life again, MAYBE, just maybe you care again, maybe you miss me, maybe that seed of doubt is planted in your head?

You do read about it all over these boards...and it's hard not to think of that in a very small way, even if you are GAL for you. You hear stories about when you finally let go and move on, that is often when WAH comes back/reconsiders...that you can plant that seed of doubt in their mind. So yes, I'm sorry but I've been very heartbroken over this situation (you guys of all people can relate), sometimes hopeful, and at the same time trying to move on. And I like you have moments of tender memories when I think..'if only..." and other days when I do honestly feel like I'm done and I'll be fine no matter what. YOu have friends that say 'one day he'll regret what he's done' and you want to believe that.

I got a massage yesterday spontaneously...i do little things to treat myself and feel good, but it still hurts from time to time and there are still a lot of emotions to process. I have been going to therapy and have awesome friends that have helped me through this...and even IC said yes you cling to hope but that hope can also hold you back from moving on. I know that....but dammit sometimes I STILL DO MISS HIM. I know you all feel this pain too, and over time it lessens, but sometimes it is acute.

And lastly, on the L stuff...I've just been feeling overwhelmed b.c you get so much advice from so many people and to sort it out and figure out what is right for you. I agree w you Talia about how this could be handled w/o L's, and I actually think my sitch is an example of where it really may be unnecessary and there actually could be potential RISK in going down that route (not to mention mental energy/time/effort etc that could be placed elsewhere). But I know consultation wont hurt so I will do that... but over Xmastime I was almost getting ready to sign those papers and move on...and then as I think and travel and work hard some of the anger and bitterness comes out (but at the same time those emotions can actually help me move on).

Perhaps I seem like I'm rambling...just trying to provide some context here for posts above. Believe me I know he's gone, but I think you like all of us occassionally do cling onto hope and those memories, even when we are simultaneously trying to move on. We don't want to fight w S, we want to stand our grounds, we want peace, respect...all of that...but when my H has lashed out at me when I've tried to stand my ground in the past it makes me a little gun-shy of trying to do it again. And believe me I can stand my ground (as he thought i did too much in our M), I can stand up for what I believe in...but sometimes when he responds negatively it's hard not to blame yourself "well maybe I shouldn't have been so transactional/businesslike/harsh or whatever?" Make sense? Those are just some of the things I've struggled with...I've tried to be caring and kind it's backfired, I've tried to stand up for what I believe in and what's rightfully mine, and it's backfired. And I'm tired of feeling like a bad person for whichever route I go down. That's the dilemna I was trying to articulate, and yes it's hard to be totally transactional/neutral w someone who was once the most important person in your life.

[talia]

HHH,
Thanks for your response. Big Hugs - I know what I said was hard to hear. I'll challenge you a little more...

You are still making alot excuses and justifications for what you are doing. I don't think H respects you. You have done a TREMENDOUS job of not contacting him, now think back to when he has contacted you.... from what I've read (and I might be missing something) he's been in control. My goal is to get you being REALLY REALLY honest with yourself. Just because you FEEL one way dosen't me you can't act another.

Speaking personally - the thought of D breaks my hear, leaves a gaping hole, I still cry when I see our wedding pics - all the things you feel. BUT my decisions aren't based on the fact that I deeply want that back. They are based on whats best for me because I'm headed for D. If that changes - YEAHHHHH! - But if it dosen't I'm ok too. Thats true detachment.
Even your response was justifying in some way. I only did this... because he felt I was... etc. Just start asking yourself - now that I'm here.. what do I want for JUST ME. Do that and everything else will work out fine.

Find some IC - its been my saving grace - I think you will find it won't take you long to work through how you feel!

NOW for the love!! The feelings you have aren't wrong. NOTHING you feel is wrong - ever. Its ok to be upset - you should be upset - grieve - let yourself feel it all. You are a wonderful person - clearly we all can tell that. You are A GREAT CATCH and any man would be lucky to have you in his life. You are NOT the bad person here. You've done extraordinary things to save your marriage. You can walk away from this knowing that you held to your standards and you didn't fail. You do not need to feel bad for what you are doing. Everyone can do better at some point or another - we all need a few 2X4's now and then. Don't feel bad about what you did - you MAKE THE BEST DECISION YOU CAN WITH THE INFORMATION YOU HAVE AT THE TIME - if it turns out to be wrong you adjust and move forward. OR PUNT... as I like to call it

You are doing great and now its time to take that to the next level - the living for HHH only level where you are happy with you for no other reason than you are your fabulous sexy self.

I think you've done an amazing job in the situation - TRULY - You've handled it better than most.


We love you - we are here for you! Come here and we'll take care of you - good and bad

Talia

[TulsaTime]

hhh,

Just make sure you can live with the decisions you will make, for your self respect and esteem, with love and a clean conscience. No one can take that away from from you.

[pearlharbr]

hhh, you know I love you and I'm saying this because I do. Stop being defensive. Talia's 2x4 is what you need to hear and digest.

You hear stories about when you finally let go and move on, that is often when WAH comes back/reconsiders...that you can plant that seed of doubt in their mind.

The thing is, you haven't really let go. You were doing a great job of acting "as if," but you never got to detachment. You GAL in order to win him back and the WAS can sense that. By your eagerness now to meet up with H you're showing him that you still want him in your life and therefore he still has the upper hand.

Detachment means you don't let what someone says/does/doesn't say/doesn't do affect you and your happiness. We want you to get to that place so you make the best decisions for you and you alone.

It's time to just put aside all the "what if's" and self-doubt. You are on a one-way street and you can't go backwards, the only option is to move forward. As BF is so fond of saying (and BTW it irritates me immensely but it's true), "I can't change what happened in the past, I can only work on right now." No, that doesn't address your emotions but it's the mindset you need when making decisions. Wallowing just leaves you stuck in the mud. If you feel down then give yourself 10 minutes to cry or be miserable but when the time is up then you stop thinking about it.

Something else I've noticed: your thoughts about the future have all been negative lately. Why don't you focus on the positives? You know I'm not the sunny, bubbly, overly optimistic type but when faced with starting over again I finally figured out there was a lot to be excited about! So much that it hinders my reconciliation with BF.

I was happy to have the house all to myself. I could cook all the stuff BF won't eat. I went out with friends to bars and parties. I wore cute outfits and flirted with all kinds of men and finally got to kiss the celebrity who is #1 on my "list". I decided to move to the place that makes me happy because I didn't have to think about someone else's life and career. I had fun being me and it felt good.

I know there's a downside to being single too. But why focus on the bad stuff? Put your focus on what you want to happen, not what you're afraid will happen.

You are doing great and now its time to take that to the next level - the living for HHH only level where you are happy with you for no other reason than you are your fabulous sexy self.

This is what I want for you too!

Hugs and have fun in Vegas!

[25yearsmlc]

Okay here's my tome to you...yikes, I'm sleepy now...okay gotta go here it is!

You guys all give great advice and thank you, I need to get back to focusing on me. I thought about what Pearl said above "what has caused this fear as of late" FOr me I think it's really highlighted more acutely now when I am traveling for work and on the road alone, checking into hotels, and living the life of "Up in the Air Movie"...before it was more do-able w a partner but now it just feels so much more lonely. That, couple w some overwhelming thoughts about move, and going on a date/smooching a guy I was really not into (there are some frogs out there!)...I think that highlighted just missing H more. While I think it's good in my situation to date, get out there, and move on, when you go on bad dates it's almost harder, there is that natural comparison to H, which may persist for awhile.

This, I totally understand... But remember that not all the OWs your h meets are going to be supermodels with MBAs from Harvard, earning high 6 figures, who love sex all the time, or love talking about his work, and have multiple orgasms with his touch AND applaud him for his every thought AND laugh and laugh at ALL his jokes, and make him laugh, b/c they're so darn hilarious, and want to have his children only if and when HE does, (and will look great pregnant too), and have a history with him somehow so they'll know ALL the same people you know and more, and his likes and dislikes and "know him so well" somehow, or are as smart as you and,.... blah blah blah....NOPE, not all of them are going to be completely perfect...Some of them might even have...a FLAW! And some of those flaws are NOT going to be the flaws you have....so some of them are going to make YOU look just fine. Realistically In time, most will pale in comparison b/c if you'd had nothing good together, you would not have married or stayed m as long as you did or at all. Never forget that. And don't forget this: Whereas you have no choice in this sitch, so you are going to be facing life as it is and making the best of it.--but For HIM, knowing he could have made it work with you, the self doubts and second thoughts are likely to be way worse down the road. You coped with the cards you got dealt; he dealt them.


If he is miraculously FINE with all the changes and the single life, in a year or two as well, then better to know now. He's not h material. If you KNEW it would not work in the end, "trying to make it work" and wasting how many more years, would you? I hope not.

Best realistic case, it'll take 1-2 years for him to more honestly see the sitch, or longer-and that won't mean he'll contact you the minute he feels regret. No, he will test that regret to see how often it comes and goes...and how bad it feels, and whether he can compensate with another woman...but if you don't scorch the earth in a heated discussion with the verbal knives being driven in too deep, and IF you are available at the time and he does call, who knows? I'm the one who has 2 family members who remarried their exes and liked it better the 2nd time around. Both of them took YEARS to reunite. Yes, both couples had kids...sorry. But that's not to say they saw each other that much for the first year or two. Had to build to a time where they could stand in the same room.

Please -Not one criticism should exit your mouth for this dinner...NOT ONE... As I was saying...in time, you will likely look a lot better in comparison to OWs (assume you do and act on that assumption b/c gf, YOU ARE THAT GOOD and truly, only a fool would leave YOU)....And as his good memories resurface and the worse ones subside...this will be more apparent. Reminding him of the unfairness of it all, and complaining [b]at this time, is counter productive. You will be reminding him why he left! It will indeed be your "last supper"....with him! So Steer the convo AWAY from business. Ask him about HIM (his fav topic right?) and now and then add a mysterious but cool tidbit about YOU and YOUR cool future and be happy about your pending move. FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT is a cliche b/c it works!


I talked to friends dad who is D lawyer and again thought nothing to hurt in consult. I think i've been a little overwhelmed by so much different advice from friends, family, etc. Need to assess appropriate risks and a consult can help guide me, yes, but also has potential to get costly, drawn-out, and ugly,

How so? Why? Just talk to a flippin' L , and think about it long and hard AFTER you have ALL the relevant information!!....Honey, don't make this easy task into a nightmare by borrowing trouble, that may not exist at all. You can talk to a L many times and never ever file. I did...geez...
I LOVED learning about what my financial life would be like if we split up b/c it was highly unlikely I'd lose the kids OR end up on the street, fat, homeless and in the gutter....not quite that bad you know? And lucky for you, you have a good job! OMG-- I was out of the work force at home for several years so a part of me was really stuck thinking "if I go back to work F/T the kids will have NO parents to speak of but I can't starve, etc" & I know I have a L degree and have worked.

Some women put all their eggs in the h's career basket and that is unfair to them. I put my h through med school so I definitely felt it was unfair that I enabled him to make the big money while I took lateral positions, and later stayed home after our 3rd child, to accomodate his sucky schedule AND be there for the kids...SOMEONE has to do it....And I was outraged at first, that I'd only get alimony until if and when I remarried...(.there's an incentive not to remarry)--To me, I contributed to the "marital asset" of his earning capacity. But oh well---It is not how California would see it and I needed to know that. But I also learned that with a long term m, in this state (not giving L advice but telling you why I felt good despite some UNgood news...) at least we'd split the assets & I'd have something.

You are financially better off than most, it's true. But for the life of me, there's something really fearful in you about seeing a L. As if it means you might cause you to be getting divorced, OR you think if you see a L, you will have to do something crazy or dangerous. IF, IF the L tells you that you can realistically get NOTHING, or A WHOLE LOT, and you are at all surprised, then just take a breath and a few days, and think about it.

No rush into anything except do it before you leave the state. And I think your moving is a great gesture of independence on your end. But making sure he sees you before you leave....hmmm, it only works if you can detach. IF you can't detach, it'll be the last thing he recalls of you "the last time I saw X Wife, she wailed on me about this and that, and cried & pleaded & bitched, and reminded me how happy I am without that ! and blah blah blah...." INSTEAD, be upbeat and GAL and all that GAL stuff.
Oh and What about the legal matters? If there is anything sticky, do NOT bring it up at dinner. This dining memory must be clean, pure and totally separate and apart from any ugliness of what MIGHT come to pass. Ask little or nothing about "business" matters and focus on the friendships and the family matters--ask about your mutual friends/loved ones and be encouraging about his career future AND your dreams for your new upcoming life. MAYBE...if you can manage itMAYBE try my DB coach's advice about "listening like a lover" when he talks about himself or his future. Don't worry if he says it's in Tibet or Mars and does not involve YOU...(as long as he doesn't throw some OW in your face), act as if he's doing something that matters b/c...to HIM...it does. If an OW gets brought up, NO comment from you. Demur.

Look, if this is your last companionship time together for a year or two, make it something he'll miss...NOT by pursuing him sexually, but let's discuss the elephant in the room. Are you hoping to hook up for "old time's sake"? SOME would say, "if it feels natural and you don't think it would make you feel lousy or used later, go for it..." that's a hard test to pass & a very personal choice. But it was the advice I got from my DB coach...who left it up to ME. But for my h, ML is what made him feel close whereas I needed to feel close before ml...we are not wired the same. Alas...SO I felt at times, that the contrast of the "warmth and love" at home was worth it to contrast with the cold of the tundra and wild outdoors he thought he so missed and the money he hoped to make. Some gentle flirting could happen if it feels natural and then you leave it at that. Let him remember the sex you guys had in the past and btw, men do NOT spend time recalling lousy sex......So be an interested interesting sensual dinner partner...at least. If more happens, or presents itself you better be ready to gracefully decline or truly be able to handle it AFTERWARDS OR it will be a bad thing.
Leave the other stuff to the Ls....YES you DO need to do that...let's say you think you are entitled to something & really want it, and your h does not want to give it to you...do you believe that YOU handling it without L's is somehow less "emotionally dangerous" to the R? It is the opposite. If there is any controversy worth having, let a L argue it while you are always about your new exciting life and cool to your h, and even friendly, but hey, "business is business" and you keep your hands clean. [color:#FF0000]Keep it separate!
[/color]

and in the end since we're both working professionals w good jobs, no kids (and I have more to lose if he were to come after) it may not be worth going down the legal route and just signing papers and being done w it.

Yeah we know, it might not be worth it. No one is asking you to decide. We're saying go get the info from a DIV L in your state....and stop fearing that you have so much more to lose....for future purposes that's is NOT true. AND it is exactly why he does NOT want a L involved...totally predictable. I have a feeling you are entitled to something, OR he believes you might be.

But at least a consult will inform me of that so agree that no harm in sitting down w a L, educating myself, and having someone if need be if any surprises pop up down the road.. But goodness, there is the benefit/time/cost savings of just ending as we are and avoiding the drawn out and emotional process that some D's can take. There are also mediators which a friend who was in a similar situation used and it was all amicable and relatively clean.

See above....FYI, mediators are fine imo, after you have met with Ls. They do NOT always know the law, and even when they are L's they don't want to go to court much if they are even able to do so. But they are there for a cheapo amicable deal. Those do happen. I have seen 2.

Later on most women feel cheated financially b/c most women are worse off and most men are better off. Those are facts that are true in 2/3 of the casees so not all obviously. Many women learn that if they had seen a L who knew the law, or who could go to court and fight, that they would have gotten half the retirement, or part of future earnings OR that their H had hidden assets at the time and the mediator did not know this. My mil is one of those women who "wanted it to just be over!"( I did not know h at the time). So, after 18 years of m to a Marine Corps officer, with two kids and several moves around the world for him, she got a whopping $10k...(and then she took on a part time night job to supplement her new full time job...nice) Oh, My fil is a multimillionaire now, remarried to a wonderful loving woman - rich in her own right...fair? Hell no...but my mil simply wanted NO CONFLICTS....and so, her life was much harder later on and indeed she had more conflicts, due to the fact that she put them off. Her fear of conflict was so great that she ended up bringing about that which she most feared, more conflict and hardship. Sound familiar?

Anyways, enough of the L stuff...I need to separate emotions/principle (yes I did support him) with the PRacticality here too...ok yes maybe in principle he could/should give me some back, but what are the potential costs in pursuing this ... it may not be worth it in the end.

SEE ABOVE

And yes, I think my anger/bitterness this past week was driving me more wanting to pursue that path...and I can't be totally at the whim of my emotions. This is where you all are right, back to focusing on ME, improving and taking care of myself, NOT obsessing (yes I have tendency to do this, overanalyze and think to much), having FUN, and not FEAR. I spent couple hrs on the phone yesterday w man i met on NYE that is going through D as well...really nice conversation and we talked how FEAR is a big motivator in many ways...and not how we should live our lives. So many of us feel like we're at the edge of a big precipice in this stage, and it's hard to know where to go, sometimes you feel paralyzed. Focused on the moment and the small things you can control, i guess, have faith, and let the rest fall into place.

YES! OMG! YES! OMG!! YES!...(oh wait, am I having a sex dream? oops, sorry... )

Keep detaching, stop worrying, keep busy, have fun. Well I am going to Vegas this weekend (my first time ever!) w some friends and I am looking forward to having fun!

Thanks again for everything all...and I may take you up on the offer Pearl and reach out to you offline soon. I hope you are doing well and taking care of yourself as well!

LFA I think about you often too. Do you ever think you'll have a friendship w H or even want to? Or perhaps just having him totally out of life is easiest way to move on?

Thanks all, and peace

Right back at you girlfriend. Hey Vegas sounds really really fun...me likey! When are you moving to CAL and to what part?
j-

[25yearsmlc]

Ever think of chaning the name of your thread? One thing Elizabeth Edwards said that rang true for me was how much she regretted this...her first son died in a car crash and later on as we all now know, her h had an A, producing a CHILD, and oh, btw, WHEN she was fighting a recurrent form of terminal cancer...nice guy...and oh it is ALL PUBLIC....NICE!!

So her biggest regret was time wasted wanting her old life back, which was gone forever. Time missing something that would never be the same again. THAT LIFE was gone. An event had occurred that had changed HER and all those around her. They'd never be the same again -true- but they would be happy again. The regret was how long it took her to focus on what she still had and could create for the rest of her life, from this day forward....

words to hear...

j-

[talia]

Hey Pearl!

I just want to say I agree with you totally. I too LOVE having the house to myself and see my "single" time the same way you did. If H called tomorrow and wanted to move home I wouldn't let him - I'm not ready to give that up. We could start reconciling, but I want to live alone a little bit longer forget all the other reasons not to let him home right away....

HHH,
Hang in there - we love and support you. Good things will come, you'll see!

Talia