I am the cause

[undefeated]

Wow, Underdog. I just finished skimming your previous threads and reading this one. Thanks for dropping by mine too.

Have you gotten in IC yet? May I suggest that when you do, you discuss with him/her the possibility that you have a sex addiction, but also that you may be bipolar. I don't know as much about sex addiction (though I was convinced for about two years that I had it!), but I'm becoming an expert om my own dysfunction - bipolar disorder .

The hyper-sexuality, lying, justifying, depression, mood swings. Your thoughts seem to be flying in every post I've read. Racing thoughts are also a symptom. As are being reckless and lacking impulse control. The depression ranges from vague feelings that you aren't getting enough out of life to suicidal thoughts.

I am NOT saying bipolar disorder is your problem! I am not a licensed therapist! But you sound a lot like me - the things you have done (including the lying btw), the ways you speak, the out-of-control roller coaster of emotions and actions. It is something you may want to consider.

That being said, the person you hurt here by lying is yourself. Most of these people are wonderful and caring, even the ones who get pretty tough. By lying for so long you kept them from helping you move forward, getting your life on track. It takes guts to come clean and to get help for yourself. Many people with an addiction or other mental disorder are never capable of helping themselves; someone else has to get it for them. So the fact that you can identify your own failings and understand that you need help proves you're no lost cause.

Me being on the other side does not change any of this.

Actually, with this I disagree. For me, having been on the wrong side of the fence makes it clearer to me where my WAH is now. You need to get your mind clear first. But then, examine what you did and how you felt, reacted, etc. It could give you a lot of insight.

Your apologies are said and accepted by many (most) you offended. While continuing to beat yourself up may feel appropriate, enough is enough. People screw up. That doesn't doom you forever.

[undrdg]

Undefeated
Thank you. I take your advice to heart. I have gone to a psychotherapist and am attending the 12 step meetings.

Bi-polar? It is possible. There is a history of mental illness in my family. I am scared to death to end up like my grandmother in a catatonic state.

But its all fear and conjecture. I took a step forward. Now i just have to get my other foot to do the same.

My ex keeps contacting me about business and she says she is not ready yet to take the full brunt of what happened. That is fine by me, but when she does she will know the ugly disgusting truth and it will destroy us yet again. More fear.

How funny we are. How ironic that those of us that have been to the other side of the fence are now so much more open minded about second chances than those that are still on the other side.
How much more selfish can we be?

[undefeated]

I have noticed that many trained psychologists treat depression without noticing that the symptoms of mania are manifesting too. Perhaps it's just because we feel happy (to the extent of being delusional I might add) when we are manic. I was seen on three separate occasions by IC's and none of them picked up on my bipolar disorder. It was not until one of my lucid (neither manic nor depressed) times that I realized I must be ill and did enough research to discover a likely culprit. Of course, when I approached an IC (one who had previously diagnosed me with only depression) with my suspicions she almost immediately agreed that I am, indeed, bipolar. Ironic, eh?

I am glad you are moving forward and seem to have a more positive outlook. Believing things can get better is pretty imperative to making them better.

As for

That is fine by me, but when she does she will know the ugly disgusting truth and it will destroy us yet again.

I am not positive that this has to be the case. If and when she is ready to reconcile you will both have confessions and healing to do. And if you are both careful and sincere I believe you can do it without decimating your relationship again.

I don't think it is selfish to believe in second chances or hope for them as long as we understand that they are not an entitlement. It is earned and a privilege, not a right. And the fact that we are willing to forgive is in part because we hope for forgiveness ourselves.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[undrdg]

Today is my last day at my current contract job. I feel I did an exceptional job, but that leaves all of next week with nothing to do.
I hate idle time. I am alone with all my thoughts.

Reconciliation is something that is such a pipe dream i refuse to even let it consume an inch of my thoughts.

I feel i have hurt this person too much.
Yes I wish i could lean on her for support but i know that is unrealistic and very selfish. We do share a daughter, so I guess the only thing i can do is try to be a better parent to her. I don't see how we can parent this child unless we talk to each other, so facing her is inevitable at this point.

It is just a matter of when. Now that I have admitted to my issues/problems it would seem that i have a way to start being honest from here on out. The problem is maintaining that. I have never known how. Time to learn.

I am 34 years old and i have to start my brain over. That is a scary ass thought/action. What will I be like? Who will like me?
Everything is uncertain.

I hope i don't go nuts. It feels like i am going nuts.

[undefeated]

"Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was."
-Richard L. Evans

So let's focus on where you are. Idle time does indeed suck. It makes me miserable as well, which is why I try to keep busy. What could you do to improve yourself instead of doing nothing?

OK, if not reconciliation, then how about just moving the relationship to something more pleasant? For your daughter if nothing else. Small goals; baby steps. When my H and I were apart I wanted too much to fast. So I was very disappointed. When I set some tiny goals/hopes it was easier to see progress. So I set a goal that through DBing and NC initiated by me, he would call me just once for no reason whatsoever. It was so amazing and motivating when it did happen! So maybe you need to think in terms of baby steps right now.

Relearning how to live, or learning for the first time how to live healthy, happy, and honest would be difficult at any age. But I think the longer you've been sick/unhappy/on the wrong path the harder it would seem to move forward. But you are not crazy, and I don't think you will be. Hang in there and there are always people who are willing to walk beside you.

As for what you will be like - I have no idea. All I know is that getting my mental health under control, while probably the scariest thing I have ever done, has been the most positive change in my entire life. I feel like a whole new person...someone I can like. As for who will like you, more people than you think. You're still in a bad place, if you're thinking is so miserable. If you can work toward a bit more healthy thoughts then I think you will see the flaw in that line of thinking.

Suffering is Inevitable, Misery is Optional. While I don't share the religious fervor of the author, I cannot help but admire the sentiment.

[undrdg]

Thanks undefeated. your support is much appreciated.
Update from a couple of days.

I had D this weekend. My Ex called me on Friday, fed up with stuff. She laid into me saying she is tired of being nice, etc.
I told her she was right. She deserved better and that she can count on me for things.
I took D earlier than expected based on that.

I went to church for the first time in 20 something years. The sermon was interesting. Submit to your faith. I feel like i need that.

After church I dropped of D with ex and lo and behold she wanted to have lunch with me.

I immediately started shaking and couldn't stop. I felt I did not deserve her company. We chatted about everything but what happened.

IS she reaching out to me? Or is she being nice? Either way I can't believe the kind of woman that she is. She is amazing. Eating with me and D as if we were a family.

I couldn't really take it. I wore my sunglasses the whole time. I didn't want her to see the weakness in my eyes. She even complimented me and told me i looked nice.

What gives? Sigh.
I have IC today. I will bring this up.

[undefeated]

Give that man a prize! Do you see what you did?! You changed what you were doing and therefore changed the results.

I had D this weekend. My Ex called me on Friday, fed up with stuff. She laid into me saying she is tired of being nice, etc.
I told her she was right. She deserved better and that she can count on me for things.
I took D earlier than expected based on that.

She could not have been expecting that. And she will be wondering what inspired the sudden about-face.

I went to church for the first time in 20 something years. The sermon was interesting. Submit to your faith. I feel like i need that.

I am glad that it gave you comfort. If it helps you, finding your faith can be a very powerful tool in recovery. I know Christians believe that God uses turmoil in our lives to draw us closer to Him. Maybe this has been his way to draw you back.

I'm glad your ex is being nice to you, and while it is nice, I think it could be hurtful reading too much into it. If she is just being friendly and you hope for too much more then it will seem to her, IMO, that you only changed to seem more attractive to her. Let her see you are changing to become a man you can love.

I felt I did not deserve her company.

This has to stop! I absolutely know 100% what it feels like to feel undeserving of love and worthless to the person I have betrayed. And you know what, the longer I beat myself up about it and wallowed in self-loathing, the more I became someone pathetic and unlovable.

Again I recall some of my Christian teachers from my youth. We say, "I cannot forgive myself." But God has already forgiven you. So are you more entitled to hold a grudge than God? If God forgives you, it seems pretty silly not to forgive yourself.

And your ex can see that you are beating yourself up. It's not attractive. I have identified it as one of the undesirable qualities I showed my husband for the last three years. It's time to let it go. That does not mean you feel entitled to her forgiveness and/or reconciliation. But she doesn't want to hear your apologies right now. My suggestion - write them down and save them, in case she ever does want to hear them. But it is a waste of breath at the moment and you come off looking desperate and downtrodden.

Eating with me and D as if we were a family.

That's what MWD is saying in Chp. 1 of DB (started re-reading it recently myself). Divorce is not cutting an ex-spouse out of your life and never dealing with them again. And especially not when you have a beautiful little girl who needs you both. Trust me, little girls need their daddies, and the type of men they are can really affect how we see our relationships in the future.

So enjoy the calmer, more cordial atmosphere with your ex. Put no pressure into the situation. Just go with it. You are, at the moment, pleasant strangers with a common interest (your DD). If you do this in an intelligent manner, maybe you can eventually work up to a pleasant friendship. Don't try to think further than that. it will give you over the top hopes and affect how you approach the situation.

I'm glad your weekend went well. Keep it up! And I'm also glad to hear you're seeing an IC. Hold nothing back.