Antlers....yes I was a victim of emotional abuse. I remember my slow realization regarding the emotional abuse. Then I went to talk to a good friend about it. She is in a masters program to become a therapist. I said rather tentatively that X may have been emotionally abusive. She looked at me and said DUH! She had known both of us for about 10 years, and was one of the people X used to complain about me too, until she finally told him to stop, that I was her friend too and she didn't want to hear it anymore. We've discussedd it at length, and it was in talking to her as well as seeing a therapist through the separation/divorce process that I finally stopped letting him do that to me. It took many episodes of me hanging up on him and telling him that if he started yelling, name-calling, being derogatory, etc that I was done with the conversation. One time he actually called back later and apologized. (Just once! LOL)
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
I would love to read the book you recommend, antlers, I'm going to try and get my hands on a copy. Sometimes I think emotional scars take much longer to heal than physical scars because they get you psychologically. Bright - my husband also liked to complain about me to people especially my parents. He once gave my mother a list of things he said I had to change otherwise he would leave me. It was all so crazy, so hurtful - I always asked him why in the world he wanted to marry me in the first place. We really didn't date for very long and now when I think about it we really didn't know each other well.
He was so charming when we first met though... It was only during the time when we were getting married that he started displaying wierd behavior - getting enraged at stupid things. I had fallen in love with him and the idea of getting married by then. And I found myself in a mess I just didn't know how to get out of. We lived in Mexico for his job... After 2 weeks of marriage he threw me out of the house - I was in a strange city, no money, no family, no friends, didn't speak the language. I walked around and sat at a cafe crying not knowing what to do... Things didn't get much better - but I tried so hard to make things work. I tried like antlers says to figure out what would make him mad and would do everything not to make that happen.
But that process is very draining and I was always scared. When my mother came to visit me she was shocked to see me - she was like "what's happened to you" - Still it was so classic because this man was not always mean. He could be terribly charming and so great to be with sometimes - I just never knew when things were going to be bad. And if they were bad they were my fault.
I don't think he ever apologized to me... ever. It's very confusing you know, I just don't understand why he treated me that way. I tried so hard to do everything his way. I mean I'm not perfect but I wanted to do whatever it took to make us both happy.
He disposed of me and our daughter like we were worthless. I can't understand how someone has such cruelty as part of their nature. I've never met anyone like him before. And the weird thing is I think when other people meet him they are really impressed he has a completly different persona.
I'm working through things - seeing a therapist now. I understand what happened to me wasn't normal. But it has affected me - there's no denying that. My good friends say there is a heavyness about me... And I know there is but I can't seem to unload it. Everyone says move on - forget him - forget what happened. They make it seem easy. That's why I like posting here - it's the only place I feel really understood. Really understood.
I want to feel light again - I don't want to be angry and bitter. I just don't see how I can have a normal relationship even if I continue to feel all these things.
My ex-boyfriend called me yesterday. I can't even think about getting involved with anyone although I am so lonely and would love to be in a loving relationship - and think I deserve one. I just think that my emotional needs are so high right now that no one is going to be able to fulfill them.
I've started realizing too that I seem to be drawn to emotionally unavailable men. My Ex was and this ex boyfriend seems to be similar (not abusive) but a little aloof and I am just happy at least now I have the strength to say you know what - this is not right for me. I need a really loving person - not another jerk.
I just read this and it's so true: Love is not just a feeling. It’s a choice, a commitment, a way of behaving toward another. Love is not simply an event that happens to you. Rather, love is something you choose to do. The state of being in love is simply a prelude to love. But most people make the mistake of thinking they’re one and the same thing. We... are all given circumstances by which we can exercise the choice to love.
I woke up this morning without the heaviness... I guess it is going to take time like everyone says and I will get stronger. I met a woman yesterday who is going through a divorce after 24 yrs. Her second marriage. V. difficult. I might go out with her and chat about our mutual situations. I am feeling much better - much stronger and much more hopeful. My Ex made his choice but I can't allow that to have any more influence over my life than it already has. He was a selfish and awful man. I pity his new wife she doesn't have any idea who he really is and how cruel and absive he is capable of being. And as much as he will try and redeem himself in this new relationship the truth is he did all the awful things he did to me - nothing will erase that. He created his Karma. He will have to pay for them one day. I'm leaving that to God. My responsibility is to myself and my daughter now.
Good for you. It will take time. Also remember that there will be cycles until you are completely healed. There has been trauma and you are recovering and it will take time. Don't blame yourself if you have another bad day. Honor the feelings and go on. Wonder
I had a meeting today about the house that I live in that is owed by myself and EX - he was smart enough to put it in a off-shore company so that if we divorced it could not be part of the divorce settlement. How smart and coniving is that? I was such a fool. I want to sell the house now. The meeting brought up all those feelings of deciet again. How I was sleeping with the enemy.
The first time he left me he had planned everything - he had put the house in the off-shore - transfered the shares to his family members - he had rented an apartment... All the while living with me, sleeping in the same bed, eating breakfast, dinner - while planning to stab me in the back. How do people do such things... I know I sound so naive when I say that but how????
I realized during the meeting that he had fradulently signed a document in order to have the house bought by the off-shore. I need to go to a lawyer sometime this week and figure out what it all means. I asked the guy in charge of the company - "would you ever put your house in an off-shore without your wife knowing?" And he was like "no" - He then said "but your husband seemed to do many things behind your back" - how awful - how awful that I had the misfortune to know this man...
Am sad today thinking about it - there's no justice in this. None. When do I get to see the Justice?
Feeling down again... such a roller coaster. Went to a religious event yesterday - prayed for things to get better. That gives me peace - praying but not for long. I feel so stressed out sometimes - like my life is one big nightmare I would have never imagined. And I am just coasting along with it.
Hi, I am glad you posted again. How was the meeting with the lawyer? You don't have to answer and maybe you should not. But what is up with this offshore business? Did he really forge your signature? That is kind of off the chart. Are you active in taking care of yourself and your finances? You will feel better not just coasting along with that. Wonder
