I totally agree...and what you wrote helped me 'get it'.
For example, over here in the US, there was a magazine cover with a huge closeup of Elin Woods with a distraught look on her face and the line underneath said something about "Elin's humiliation, etc etc"
Then I read somewhere, a reporter criticizing the headline. He said, "Why does everyone talk about HER humiliation?" She did not have these affairs, why do we all assume she should be humiliated? HE should be humiliated for what he has done...
And I like what you said about, you choose to be faithful and committed, you have to let him make his own choice but to be fair he must tell you if his decision ever changes...haven't heard it put like that before.
She was betrayed. She is hurt. But you're right, it's not her humiliation. It's not her guilt. It's his choice, his guilt, his humiliation, his betrayal.
Sounds like that stuff really clicked with you on a sub-conscious level.
Glad to see that you are moving forward - for yourself. Cheers to you for not letting her make you miserable!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I love this part. I think I will use it in MC. Cant wait to see H's reaction-LOL!!!
Goal=Monogamy : Should no longer be based on exchange or reciprocity.
Fusion: You want to screw around but you dont want her to screw around so you are willing to give up screwing around so that she wont screw around but 5 years later, you feel she owes you because you've been a good boy...
Differentation: I want to be in a monogamus relationship, that's why I am not having an affair, if I have one then I'll blow it so I am not having an afair. I have the vulnerability of you having an affair and then I will no longer be in a monogamus R but I cant control that. And in fact I am smart enough not to tell not to do it because that will be like pulling the sheets back for you. You dont owe me because I am not doing it for you, I am doing it for me. I wouldnt do that to ME.
If YOU have an affair you tell me, you get a choice, I get a choice. I am not even gonna tell you not to have one. All I want is please tell me what you decide, it's your problem, you struggle with it the way I had to decide. If you change your mind, please tell me again. All I want is a "fair shake".
I will definitely read that book! But first I will finish, "Getting past your breakup". I can't handle reading more than one relationship book at a time!
Sooo, life is stable and lonely. I need to be patient and first put my 2 feet on the ground, form my needs and articulate them clearly(I hope the verb is correct) and then see what happens.
H although promised on Friday during my meltdown, never gave me any passwords or phone bill copies etc etc. I am making a mental note for this for tomorrow but I will approach it differently :if you want to be considered trustworthy you know what you need to do. If you dont, you will be treated, respected (not) and considered as a non trustworthy person. And I will shut up. We say "you can drag a mule to the water but you cant force it to drink".
I tried to book tickets for a show for a very well known artist here at a theater, she is a singer (Haris Alexiou). I boked for a day that yesterday I found out my D's show at gymnastics will take place. So I called him to reschedule. From now until March 5th, we couldnt find a day. He wanted to go on a Monday (the hsow is Fr-Mon, 4 days a week) when the kids need extra caring and attention because they have school and couldnt do any weekends. I used to NEVER ask for something specific like that. I may have asked 10 times during our M. I find it unbelievable that we cant have a night out, to dress nicely, go without rushing etc etc What kind of life is that?
I was thinking today, I have seen my H on weekdays afternoons maybe less than 50 times (except on holidays) the entire 10 years we are married. I have not cooked meals with him, gone shopping, gone for a walk, anywhere on weekdays. And not even think we have the weekends, we only have Saturdays.
Well, I guess it is what it is but it will not be the way I will spend my life. K
<<Well, I guess it is what it is but it will not be the way I will spend my life.>>
I guess the question is can he change? Can he take a day off work on the weekend to go see a show with his wife and make her happy? Can he or does he want alone time (no kids, no friends, no family) with his wife?
Not sure why you do not have the passwords or phone bills or whatever else you asked for yet. I guess you will have to learn to trust him without all those things....like a 'regular' couple.
