We all know begging, pleading, crying, and reasoning doesnt work.
So what exactly does work or has worked when theres been a Walkaway spouse?
Does it all boil down to them having to get burned figuratively speaking and realize they had it better where they were?
From Micheles article about the WAW, she says something to the effect that when the H sees how unhappy his W was he makes sincere and lifelong changes, but the W isnt normally open to seeing those changes due to the emotional wall she's built up.
Since the WAS is generally set int heir ways and is unlikely to read such an article or heed it, what can be/has successfully been done to bring that emotional wall down? What can be done to get the WAS to see the changes and believe that they're sincere and permanent?
How is this handled differently if the couple is physically separated/no longer living together?
I think if all the suggestions of things that have worked from personal experience can be compiled in one thread it would make for one heck of sticky thread.
I try to remind people that people are really different. As they say, "that's why there is vanilla and chocolate." Contrary to the popular belief, there are no magic words, no one way to treat a spouse that will turn him/her around and make him/her want to stay. The "wait it out and be the better option" approach works for some, not all. The "kick em to the curb, make them come crawling back" approach works for some, not all. And the MC route works sometimes. Personally, I recommend the "be true to yourself" approach. That is, don't be phony. Think about your values and hold true to them. Speak honestly and forthright and try to deal fairly and be dealt with fairly. But that's just me. On the other hand, I did not just stop my husband from breaking apart the family, I reconciled and moved from an unhappy marriage to a real partnership with my husband. So in my opinion, my opinion ought to count for something. If you'd like more info on my approach, there is a thread in Piecing called "Retrouvaille Means Change" where Sara and I go into detail.
nsw, you were reading my mind. I was going to start a similar thread tonight. We are all pretty much going through the same thing and we are all looking for advice. It seems like many of us just focus on the negatives that are happening and we can't even see any positives even if they are small positives for now. I've read a lot of threads with people questioning how long they should continue to try to save their marriage before they give up. Many of us have our own threads with our situations but I agree with you that having some of our information in one thread would be good.
I think it would be helpful if anyone who wants to contribute would post in this thread about the current state of their situation. Tell us where things began, what steps they took to improve the situation, what reaction they received from WAS, what worked and didn't work, how long they've been trying, when did they begin to see any results and what progress they have made to date. This might help offer all of us some helpful tips and encouragement. It might also help us to find some positives in our own situations.
I'll say that my own situation is relatively new. Three months since separation. I will definitely say the begging, crying, etc. doesn't work. I made these mistakes at first. I agree with others that women want to see a strong man and a weak man is unattractive. So far I'm trying to build my own strength for me. Trying to set boundaries and remain calm when talking with my wife. It's early yet for me in this process so we'll see how it turns out for my situation.
Anyone else want to give us an update on your situation?
nsw, if I'm hijacking your thread let me know and I can start another one. Just seems like you and I have a lot of the same questions.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Set them free to make their own choices and let natural consequences do the teaching. "Parenting with love and logic" is about parenting. The concepts also work with WAS.
Figure out where your responsibilities end and the WAS's begin. "Boundaries" by Cloud is a great book that will help determine this.
Learn as much as you can about attraction and become attractive to the opposite sex.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The main thing is to commit to continual personal growth. Change you and everything external changes. Put on your oxygen mask, then help those around you put on theirs....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Contrary to the popular belief, there are no magic words, no one way to treat a spouse that will turn him/her around and make him/her want to stay. The "wait it out and be the better option" approach works for some, not all. The "kick em to the curb, make them come crawling back" approach works for some, not all. And the MC route works sometimes. Personally, I recommend the "be true to yourself" approach. That is, don't be phony. Think about your values and hold true to them. Speak honestly and forthright and try to deal fairly and be dealt with fairly. But that's just me. On the other hand, I did not just stop my husband from breaking apart the family, I reconciled and moved from an unhappy marriage to a real partnership with my husband. So in my opinion, my opinion ought to count for something. If you'd like more info on my approach, there is a thread in Piecing called "Retrouvaille Means Change" where Sara and I go into detail.
Thanks for the suggestion Lotus. I think I'm teetering between the "wait it out" vs. kick em to the curb approaches. It seems the "wait it out" approach requires a lot of patience, while the "kick em to the curb" strategy requires lots of strength and willpower.
I'm not sure I have an abundance of either...and in fact I think I've tried or am trying some hybrid approach and my not commiting to one or the other may be the end of me figuratively speaking.
Originally Posted By: mza8
nsw, if I'm hijacking your thread let me know and I can start another one. Just seems like you and I have a lot of the same questions.
not at all. no need to start another thread...I'm hoping this one becomes a main thread. there are so many people with success stories or even just day to day smaller successes from a WAS and as a newcomer myself (who is trying to GAL and not spend weeks on the computer going through everyones threads involveing a WAS) I think it would be extremely helpful to have a single central thread to see what has worked for others. Ideally it would be great if only tips wer posted here, but discussion from time to time does bring out good ideas and tips.
I just wouldnt want a thread with such potential to get buried among all the other WAS threads that are on here.
Originally Posted By: Ready2Change
Boundaries works. (vs being a doormat)
I think that may be someything I have a problem with...is setting boundaries for her. I've got people left and right...and even have said it myself, that I'm being a doormat for her.
I think this is so because the natural reaction when someone is mad/disgusted with you that you dont want to be upset with you, you think by doing whatever it takes they will be less upset. In some cases thats true. But a child who keeps coming back to their parent asking for money and the parent keeps giving it to them will keep the child from getitng upset but eventually will leave the parent broke.
In other words...my SO was so angry and upset with me that she left and now on some level I think by giving in to her every whim...I'm making things better. Unfortunately...I think its only better "for her".
As painful as it is-I think setting them free may be at the top of the list. choice and accoutability is what this life is about. Sooner or later good choices bring peace and happiness, and bad ones bring the opposite. It may be alot later, but eventually it happens.
Being kind but firm, making positive changes because they are the right thing to do, and also standing up for yourself, but not being manipultive or seeking retrobution is also very good.
Learning to do the right thing is a challenge. Doing the "right" thing often feels like the wrong thing, but it's the way God deals with us so that we learn and change. He never does anything for us that we can't do for ourselves, and most of the time that is the way we should handle our sitch.
