Just got done telling my mom that I was going to be moving into the apartment she keeps for when she use to come up here for meetings but no longer uses it. She had been looking for someone to sub-lease it. That was one of the hardest things I have had to do. She had no ides we were having such problems. Guess I'm a pretty good actor also.
Really did not want to do that to her over the phone but I knew she has been trying to get out of the lease and didn't want my place to stay to vanish. Now its trying to figure out if I should inform the rest of my family expecially my dad. He will be the worst of all to tell. He's alot like me wears his emotions on his sleeve and really will take it hard.
"Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength." — Corrie Ten Boom
If you are going ahead with the seperation then make the most of it. CRISIS = RISK + Opportunity. She is scared as well. She's watching you to see how you handle this. This is a opportunity for her to feel attracted to you again. Strength, confidence, honor, poise, and purpose will help you and attract women. It will hurt at times but it's how you bounce back that matters. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I told Racefan via text this morning, "love ya man, mean it" then I followed that up with..."that could be gay"..so in that spirit i shall say to you.."that could be gay"
anyway..I don't know if there are any set rules..you two sit down and hash it out..
you'll be alright..BTW..Racefan's divorce was set for today...it was postponed due to bad weather..Imagine that...
I'm gonna say a prayer for you and put you/wife and family on the prayer list at church if that's ok Tim....I'm not a real religious guy but try to go to church every once in a while...One of the many things I've learned through all this is how to pray..
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 01/20/1008:04 PM.
I understand what you are saying. Worring about something that has not happened is useless. Thanks for reminding me to focus on today and what I am doing now.
As for the fact that she is watching me that is an interesting thought. She said to me this morning that she did not want me to be mean to her because of this. I told her that I would never be mean to her, I might get or be upset or hurt but I will not be mean to you.
Thats the old me the person I was. The person who I will never be again. I will do my best to be as strong and confident as possible through all of this.
I told Racefan via text this morning, "love ya man, mean it" then I followed that up with..."that could be gay"..so in that spirit i shall say to you.."that could be gay"
anyway..I don't know if there are any set rules..you two sit down and hash it out..
you'll be alright..BTW..Racefan's divorce was set for today...it was postponed due to bad weather..Imagine that...
I'm gonna say a prayer for you and put you/wife and family on the prayer list at church if that's ok Tim....I'm not a real religious guy but try to go to church every once in a while...One of the many things I've learned through all this is how to pray..
Mike,
I would be very happy if you put us on your church's prayer list. I'm not overly religious myself nor do I get to church as often as I should. But knowing that people are out there praying for me may give me some more streangth to get though this.
Tim
ps. its that southern drawl that make you so irresistible.
I'm doing fine I had a nice relaxing weekend. W and I talked on Sunday morning as you can read below but it was civil and informative of what she is kind of thinking. She is teetering back and forth mixed feelings I understand that. Not much I can do about where I am or where all this is headed at the moment.
How was your weekend? Did you get that storm last night. Windy as he11 and we lost power this morning which sucks.
On Sunday I asked my W if she had thought about the trial separation and she said a little. She asked me if I had and I said that I had thought a lot about it and looked up stuff on the internet. She said that she had looked up a little too.
She asked me what I had found. I told her that I read articles on setting up agreements on who should move out, how long the separation should last before a decision is made to allow each person time to decide what they want.
She said that she looked up articles on the best way to tell the kids. She asked if I had thought about the pros and cons of doing this and I said that I had but I did not write them down. I told her that we should both do that.
She seemed to be very apprehensive to have this conversation but I persisted. I told her that I do not want to live this way for the rest of my life and she agreed. I told her that I was happy with myself but she does not seem to know what she wants or what will make her happy. I said that I want both of us to be happy either together of separate. She agreed.
She said that this would be so much easier if we did not like each other. (I feel it is easier because we get along well otherwise we would be fighting about every little thing and we would not be able to do this like mature adults.) I told her I felt that we had grown much closer in the last year but you are very reluctant or unable to get over all that has happened between us in the past. I told her that I think being this close could be preventing us from figuring out what each of us wants.
I suggested to her that she really needs to go talk to a professional and to be open and honest about how you feel. She said that she is an honest person. (yes, I let that one slide no sense in arguing over a difference of opinions on whether she was honest or not) I told her what I meant was she needs to be honest with herself about how she feels and what she wants. That she needs to stop worrying about what other people think about her and to stop trying to please everyone and telling people what they want to hear.
She said that she does do that and that she is a people pleaser. I told her I know that but its time to figure out what you want and what will make you happy because I cannot do that and until you figure it out you will never be happy.
This has been the sticking point since the beginning. She just refuses to open up to anybody and until she works out her issues our relationship issues will never get resolved. And until she looks deep inside herself and is truly honest with herself about how she feels and what she wants she will never know how to be happy with me or anybody else. (Just like her mother)
I am going to continue working on my end of the separation agreement. Basically it’s about how we will handle the finances, my visitation with the kids, time we might spend together and of course that there be nobody else brought into the mix. This is time for each of us to step back and re-evaluate ourselves and figure out what we want. It’s not a time to complicate this mess with other people. It’s not fair to either one of us nor the person that gets dragged into it.
She hates change and this would be a major one for her but staying “comfortably unhappy” as someone stated to me is unacceptable. I cannot continue on the same course I have been for the last year and expect different results. I’m not happy with the current status of our relationship. We are still just roommates, we just get along better. I feel without change, without me doing something different that it will just continue as is and I deserve more than that.
On Sunday I decided to talk to my W again about our trial separation. You would think this was the first time I brought it up. She had those deer in the headlights look.
I asked her if she has thought about it this week. She said no. (WHAT!!!???)
She asked me if I had and I said yes I have a lot. I made a list of the pros and cons of me staying and moving out. She asked if there were more pros than cons and I said yes, a lot more. The biggest con of me leaving, besides the kids of course, is the loss of connection that we have gained over the last 12 to 16 months. Also I don’t want to abandon you again emotionally as I did way back when.
But there are some pros also. I feel that I am putting too much pressure on you and I don’t know how to not do that in the same house. I feel my wants are trumping yours at the moment and that is not right. I think that by me moving out it will give you time and space to hopefully figure out what you want and what will make you happy.
She said she does not know what will make her happy and I said exactly. She brought up IC for herself again. I told her that would be a huge help and asked if she made an appointment? (I knew the answer already before I asked) No, she said but I really need to do that. (Do ya think?)
I said yes you do, for yourself and you need to really be open and honest with them. I know that it’s difficult I went though it when I first started but I’m happy now. I’m happy with everything in my life. She said except me. I said no, I’m unhappy with our R not you. It’s totally different. I care about you I told her and I want you to be happy with or with out me I really do.
She said it was easier for me because we were in the same house. I said we were physically in the same house but both of us were gone. I told her it took a lot of work on my part to change. I changed for me then I started to work on our R. I read books and found that you see and feel things different than I do. I learned how you perceive love and I focused on those things because we tend to give other people the type of love we want and not what they really need.
She said you never offered me any books. I said yes I did I told you a while back that I have some really great books. There in my night stand feel free to get one. There is one about the Love Languages that explains what I have told you many times better than I can. There is one about healing from an abusive relationship and there is an excellent one about learning how to communicate and improve your R.
I told her I was planning on moving out at the end of February. I figured we could get through swim season. Give ourselves time to plan how this is going to work and the biggest hurtle is telling the kids. She asked me what things we needed to figure out.
I told her I have some articles that say we need to figure out how long this separation should last till we make a decision, if we should date and how often that should be. How often should we communicate, if we should go to a MC, each persons responsibilities and of course the finances of the whole thing.
She said this is real isn’t it? (No fu**ing chitt I wanted to say, it dosen’t get any more real than this.) I just said Yea. She asked how this works? How often do we talk and stuff. I said I don’t know but I like talking, texting and meeting you for lunch I would like that to continue. I also think we should date. I have a paper upstairs that I started to list the things I want out of this but I need your input. She sort of just nodded.
Now for the tough part we moved onto the kids. I told her that I need to spend time with the kids. I know my job is very demanding so I am not asking for a 50/50 split. Plus they are older, 14 & 17 so they don’t need to be taken care of like small children. I was thinking every other weekend I stay at the house and every third week I stay here with them. That will give you time away to not have the responsibility of the house and kids and to do things you want to do. Its not fair for you to not have time away and me not to be with them.
She said I can’t live without them for a whole week, how can you for two. I got a little choked up here I’ve never been separated from them before. I told her I don’t know if I can but we all have cell phones we can call them when we are not here and if either they or one of us needs to see them then I have no problem with one of us picking them up during the week and taking them to dinner or whatever to be with them.
I would never deprive you of seeing your kids ever. This is not about them and I would never hurt you or them by doing that. Again this is just my thoughts you need to think of what you want out of this.
Lastly I said we will need to tell the kids. This is going to be the hardest thing either one of us will ever have to do. Told her, been there done that, fu**ing hated it when I was on their end and it sucks even more to be on this end of it. I debated this for a long time but if we did not have kids would you care if I left. She said no probably not. I like having you here and being with you but its been so long since……. (yea, yea)
We sort of slowly worked our way out of that conversation to watching tv to me starting to make dinner. She got on the computer to look up things and I went to pick up our D.
She did not sleep well last night and this morning and I could tell when I got up she had been thinking about it all night. She texed me this morning and said she got some books out of my night stand and my papers on trial separation. Hopefully she reads them and goes to IC but that are her issues and choices to make. I’ve made peace with my mistakes, faults and contributions to this failed M.
It was not pretty nor fun but I would not change a thing that I have done these past 3 years except to do them 5 years earlier.
That’s it in a nut shell. If you made it all the way here you must be tired of reading or gluttons for punishment.
Take care and thanks for reading, texting, calling and emailing to support me throughout all of this. You know who you are and I really appreciate every one of you.
