Can any good come out of giving W some "space"

[brknheart]

@Wholeagain,

Things are a little better. I am still on vacation. Funny thing is, you mentioned in another thread that you went snowboarding for the first time. I went snowboardng also for the first time last week. It was a blast. My W called today, I didnt answer the phone. I didnt want to chance her saying something to ruin the rest of my vacation. Back in October, I felt the way I did today. The best way I can describe it is a kid going out to the playground for lunch knowing the bully is waiting. I feel like my W is a bully and im afraid to confront her. She didnt txt me or leave a message, so I guess it wasnt very important.

[Kemper]

Glad to hear you are enjoying your vacation. You probably did the best thing by ignoring the call. Enjoy your vacation.

The issues with your W will be there when you get home. You don't need to let any interaction screw up what sounds like a good time.

[brknheart]

Well, I came back from vacation today. Since her call that I didnt answer yesterday, I had it in my mind she was calling to say when can I move my stuff out and she decided she wants the D. Well, I was right. She sent me a txt when I was on the plane and I called her back. At first she asked me about a bill, then she asked "When can you move your stuff out?" The exact thing I thought would happen. I said so you want a D, she said yes. I said ok. I needed to know what happen last month when she came back, why she did this. She said she was scared and thought we could work on things. I asked what made her feel we couldnt work on things, she said she didnt know and she would have to think about it. WTF?! How can she not know that? Either she is lying to me or mentally unstable. She say she is still scared. She said she knew she didnt want to work on things 2 weeks ago, but also knew I was going on vacation and didnt want to ruin it. Then I tell her im coming next week to get my stuff and she says I need to get a hotel room. It will take about a week to pack, at least. This upset me, I told her I need the house for week. She heard me getting upset and said we can talk about this in a couple of days.

So, im not in limbo anymore. This is the 3rd time she has said "its over" since we separated. Im throwing in the towel, there isnt anything else I can do.

[brknheart]

Friend or no friend, I'd be wary of meeting her 1 on 1. There's nothing for you in it. I would be even more wary of talking to her about your W.

Your situation is much more optimistic than most of posters here. You and your W are talking and she is 50% sure of reconciliation. I second taking it one day at a time suggestion.

Quick post about that friend. We talked last night, she txt me saying my W told her she told me it was over, the friend felt bad and said to call if I wanted to talk. What the hell. To sum up the conversation, she thinks I am better off without my W, that my W is doing the wrong thing and she wouldnt be surprised a year from now my W tells her this. She gave me many examples of the warped/crazy comments/thoughts my W has and I have seen/heard this also from my W. She also said that my W is STILL complaining about whos fault everything is, bringing up things that upset her that I did over the years (small things that shouldnt be a big deal). My W also exaggerates these things to make me look like a evil person, the worst H in the world. Last, the friend told me that my W is so unstable that she could tell me next week she wants to work on the M. Others have said the same thing and if we didnt get back together my W would do this again and again.

The way my W has been treating me and this situation the past month shows me that she really doesnt care anymore, doesnt care about me, the M, or any type of R with me. Theres no telling what she is telling the circle of friends that we hung out with (which I havent been around in over a month). Some of these people avoid talking with me, others claim they are "neutral". I know some of these friends know the truth and are afraid to confront her about it, maybe they have and my W got upset. I also feel my W may have clouded her own mind with her lies and convinced herself that Im really the evil guy she made me out to be. I guess if you say something enough, it becomes true. Another thing I wonder is if she complained about me so much that she feels she cant go back, it would make her look like a fool.

So, I think im finished venting. Is this what I want? No. Can I do anything else? Yes. I can move on, move my stuff out of the house, separate the property, meet with the mediator and sign the papers. This was my plan last month before my W came back. I gave her the "space". I gave her everything she wanted. I would like to confront her with a list of things Ive done for HER over the course of our M and separation. Is it even worth my time? Probably not...

Did I follow all the DB rules, maybe not but I feel I may have really never had a "real" chance...

quick question: Has anyone heard of someone flip flopping this much? I feel like my W will do this again before the D is final.

[dday101798]

First thing, you're not the worst H in the world, look around the boards, every LBH has been nominated for that award.

Secondly, my W, despite OM and all, cycled every 3 or 4 months, pre and post D, to wanting to work on things.

Hang in there. And I would NOT leave the house.

[brknheart]

Hang in there. And I would NOT leave the house.

Yea, i made that mistake already, moved out a mth ago. Why? Because this is what she wanted, the space. I did all these things to make her happy, didnt get me anywhere. I have a millions things running through my head right now. What if I did this differently, what if I called her bluff last month and just said 'ok' with going on with the D as planned for early Jan versus moving out and giving her the space to see what happens. I thought I could beat the odds, people told me what would happen, I didnt want to believe it would. I need to get myself to the point where I can tell myself I did everything I could and she is just and ungrateful person. One thing that I have going against me is I really believe my W has some type of mental disorder. When she told me she "broke" back in late July, mentally she did. Things are not right up there. I even had several people tell me she has signs of BPD.

Based on your sig, are you with your W again?

[dday101798]

Uggh, my friend, whose name is the house in? Either way, bad move, as it seems you know. When it comes down to the legailty of it (and here's where the REAL lies start flying) you will look like a deserter and you wanted the D. I'll bet the farm that gets twisted on you.

Lesson to all, the WAS wants "space" fine, tell them they may leave and get all the space they want.

How is your W's 'mental disorder' against you? Just in the DB sense?

And finally yes, we are "back together" coming up on 2 months. We still live seperately, but she is eager for me to live with her. My sitch involved her leaving me for a OP so it's quite a bit different in some repects. However, the common similarity is that like most WAS, they'll waffle back and forth from time. Once mine saw I was done and Elvis left the building, along with some intervention from her friends and family, she went full tilt on acting upon what she says she wants.

[brknheart]

Uggh, my friend, whose name is the house in? Either way, bad move, as it seems you know. When it comes down to the legailty of it (and here's where the REAL lies start flying) you will look like a deserter and you wanted the D. I'll bet the farm that gets twisted on you.

The house is in both of our names. I already consulted a lawyer about it before I moved out, legally we both own the house and we both are entitled to 1/2 of it. Regarding abandonment, that only comes into play if its 1 year or more.

I really dont think she is even going to try and come back now. She already has egg on her face for doing it twice already. I feel that her mind was made up a long time ago, for some reason she thought she may change her mind. Its like she is battling to different people inside of her. She opens up and is kind when we are face 2 face. The phone is a different person, cold, mean, and heartless.

Regarding the mental disorder, I choose to want to stay married, even with the problems she has. I know I would have to deal with that the rest of my life and I accept that. One of the guidelines I set when we talked about the possibility of us getting back together was going to MC. I know these things would come out in those sessions, that would scare her off. Lord help it if I wasnt the real problem...

[dday101798]

Its like she is battling to different people inside of her. She opens up and is kind when we are face 2 face. The phone is a different person, cold, mean, and heartless.

As a WAW once told me here, this is true, very very true. She is two different people inside right now.

In my experience tho, and I don't mean to scare you, my W was that nasty heartless person when in the presence of OM, sort off showing off to him if you will.

I think you need the drop the 'mental disorder' concept all together.

My W was the same. Addiment that D was the answer. Who cares of all the time we have together? Who cares of kids? Who cares of our possesions? MC? A joke in her eyes. No sense in counseling a M that is "over". That was her rationale. Me, I did the same, "chose to stay married" all the way up to the D and even there after. The cold hard reality.........You can chose exactly, but this involves the two of you, if one's not in, it ain't gonna happen. After all, did you say "we're getting married, even if she didn't want to, and got it?

It seems to me you spend far too much time trying to get in her head. This is non-productive for any purpose. You don't know what she's thinking. Truth be told in it's own twisted way, neither does she. So, worry about you, how will you fair in the event this goes to D and how you want to live out your life afterward. Let her be and let her have what she thinks she wants, you gone. In the mean time, get out there, socialize, do stuff for you. Live 'as if'.

[brknheart]

It seems to me you spend far too much time trying to get in her head. This is non-productive for any purpose. You don't know what she's thinking. Truth be told in it's own twisted way, neither does she. So, worry about you, how will you fair in the event this goes to D and how you want to live out your life afterward. Let her be and let her have what she thinks she wants, you gone. In the mean time, get out there, socialize, do stuff for you. Live 'as if'.

Yes, I know, its hard to not think about her. I wish I could take a magic pill that would make me stop caring. As for D, the stage is set. I am going to a friends bday party tonight. Sad thing is, that friend is my W sister. My W cutoff her sister the same day she told me she wanted a D. Her sister had her first child that day. Hasnt spoken or seen her sister or the baby (ever). Ive been friends with her since I met my W in high school. We both have something in common, the same person has cut us out of their life.

I am trying to prepare myself for next week. I plan on packing and moving my stuff out of the house. I am going to talk to her again about moving out for a week so I can be alone at the house for the last time. I dont want to see her until the meeting with the mediator when the papers get signed, hopefully the end of next week. Nearly every time we have been alone together at the house since we first separated, we ended up having sex. I can see it happening, I dont want to make the mistake again.

As for my life, I am looking for a job in a new city, preferably out of state. I have no ties to staying where I am, still young, able to start a new life. I had this plan since Oct, when she came back last month I thought things may change.

I am happy that things are working out for you Its great hear a M being worked on especially when kids are involved. My sitch is different, kids would definitely have complicated it. I cant see my W coming back after a D like yours did though, especially when I will have moved on by then...