Why not just continue to collect data on all this. And if it does come to a time where you need the police to step in you have the facts available to show how many times this man has contacted you.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
As my C says... not everything requires an immediate response or a response AT ALL.
And I agree with your C. Good on you for not responding. Let him talk about how paranoid he is. It's kind of funny in a way. Haha. So you are separated or D'ed?
We are legally separated as of Nov 19, 2009 but he moved out of our home in April of 2008. We have been "separated" since April of 2008 but it was only legal 8 weeks ago.
A physical separation w/o any court docs is not recognized in NY.
A physical separation w/o any court docs is not recognized in NY.
CityGirl-
You've commented on my sitch, and offered me advice and support, and I appreciate it.
As you probably know, my W left over a year ago, in the midst of an A. She never made any legal arrangements, she just moved out. For the sake of my kids, I agreed to 50/50 custody, informally arranged between us. I have also been paying her a fixed amount each month in support (a number I came up with that I felt was fair given our shared custody), also informally arranged. Sometimes I regret how easy I have made it for her, but what's done is done.
We are trying to do the mediation thing and get a legal separation, but if this ends up going to court, what are my options regarding legal expenses? If mediation fails, I'll sue her for divorce on the grounds of abandonment, as it's a slam dunk case. Although I could choose any of the grounds offered in our state, the others will be more "messy" to justify.
Actually, to sue for abandonment you have to be able to document that you have no idea where your W is or how to find her.
Since you are sharing custody and you send her support that is not the case. Abandonment does not mean she "emotionally" abandoned the marriage or you - it means she is GONE and you have no idea where.
I thought I could go this route too but it is a true abandonment like she just fell off the planet. If you have contact, her address and shared custody then that won't fly.
It will go to court for the legal separation - how it proceeds in court is the question. If you both agree your attnys simply need to put it on the oral record in chambers (you will not be there, it is closed door). If you can't agree, well, a pre-trial conference for the separation Agreement will happen.
Also, be sure she repays you the support you have given her to date. It will come out of her share of the house or future support.
At best, since she is employed, she will get 3 years of support. If you have already paid her one informally then use that to your advantage. I am talking spousal support, not child support.
Future - not that you can do anything about this now but that is why it is NEVER a good idea to informally agree to anything. Even worse, for you to OFFER it.
If things get messy I would venture to guess her attny will say that you are the one that suggested the support amount and 50/50 custody all on your own. So, why change it now?
You set the precedent and it is tough to change. By doing all this before the legalities began, it is like you gave consent to the situation.
I understand you were doing it in the name of working things out but that won't matter when it comes to the brass tacks of a settlement because your W's attny will argue that YOU set the precedent, not her (as far as support/custody goes).
By offering to support her you essentially supported her choice to move out. So, in the eyes of the court they will say "well, what is the problem now?"
I know, I know :-(. I should have agreed to nothing. I was so bloody ignorant of everything, and I was so emotionally devastated, I screwed up, I know it. I didn't start paying her support right away, it wasn't until we started mediation and we came up with a number, about six months in. Prior to that our finances were still together, and she was charging the kids' expenses on a joint credit card, which I paid. She was then paying me a fixed amount each month to cover her bills, which I was still paying.
Regarding abandonment, I believe I can sue her for constructive abandonment, meaning she ended our physical relationship at least one year prior. As I said, should be a slam dunk.
I know I set the precedent about our custody, but I do agree to 50/50 custody, and I wasn't going to put the kids between us. She moved out, and I work full time, so I needed her to care for the kids, and they needed her. Our kids are still little. I did sort of agree to her moving out, as I couldn't have her living in our house while having an A with another man, of which I have proof. I don't think the state requires me to tolerate that. I asked her to end her affair and stay and work on the marriage, and she refused.
Her actions have forced me to divorce her, so doesn't our state allowed me to put the entire burden of the legal expenses on her?
