Need help with daughter

[Kelly23]

My daughter and I spent Sunday shopping for a dress for a formal dance at her school. She recently dumped her boyfriend and a previous one came to the house this week and stayed about an hour. While we were driving yesterday, I asked her what was up with old bf. She said he wanted to get back together but that she did not want a bf right now, that she was never getting married so why bother.

I said, "I don't want you to get married anytime soon but never is a long time."

Her reply...Well, if girls can trust anyone, it should be their daddy and I can't do that. If he will cheat, I am sure the guys I date will lie to me too. I told her that parents sometimes have to lie to their kids but they only do it to spare them pain. She replied that she knows that we will divorce as soon as Son graduates and there is no need to lie anymore.

I was floored. I had always worried that she saw me as weak for staying with H but it seems there are a lot more emotions going on.

Should I tell H what she said?

[sandi2]

At her age and considering how this has had this type of effect on her R with boys, dating, M, etc......I think the "truth" is more important than you trying to protect her from pain. Listen, I am the world's worst at trying to shield my loved ones from things "I" think will hurt them. They are either too young, too old, sick, or some other thing that I find to shelter them.

You D apparently knows what is going on, so tell your H and I hope that the two of you can approach your D and tell her that from now on, you'll be upfront with her. If you & H can come together enough to allow D to ask questions then that would probably do a lot for her. If you don't know the answer to something she asks, the just tell her, "IDK".

[working on me]

I hope its okay to add a comment. I have two young sons, so I have not experienced teen children yet.

Despite that, your daughter is clearly in turmoil. She needs and deserves both parents respect. That respect right now is honesty. That doesn't mean full disclosure of details she doesn't want and more important, soesn't need. It sounds as though she wants to know she is not being treated as a juvenile any more.

It sounds as though your husband has fallen in her eyes. I feel for her loss. That's what I imagine it feels like to her, is loss. She has lost her image of how she viewed men and relationships. Unfortunately that is your husbands burden to deal with. So let him deal with it, not you.

My heart goes out to you and your children.

[courts0818]

Awww...I work with teens and my heart goes out to your DD. I'm sure you will, but please remind her that she is a young woman of good character - she's honest, trustworthy, respectable, caring, kind, considerate, etc. and that she will find the same. Remind her that when it comes to character we attract what we give. So...being the sweet, loving girl that she is will eventually lead to her finding the same in a future mate (a long time from now). I would also have a discussion with her about trust and if she's worried that a guy will lie to her - she needs to take the time to fully get to know him, see him in many different situations and that sort of thing.

It's so sad that she feels let down by her dad. I agree with others, I would open up to her. Don't tell her too much, but don't try to protect her from every detail either.

Take this as an opportunity to talk to her about marriage, relationships, commitment, trust, hope, faith and that sort of thing. She's a smart girl and being honest with her might really teach her a lot and help guide her choices in the future.

I would also have a talk about making sure she doesn't look for love/affection from a bf. I know right now she doesn't really trust guys, but young girls often fall into the trap of looking for love from a bf when things aren't going so good with their dads.

Hugs...and best of luck.

[Kelly23]

Thank you all so much for the help. I am going to talk to her more about it when we are alone. It is hard to get alone time with her since she has a part time job but I will force myself to make sure it happens. And thank you courts for the info about her looking for love from others. I am so wrapped up in my own mess that I did not even think about that.
It is strange that just when I thought I was okay emotionally, this hits. I wonder how she has been feeling when I was so preoccupied that I did not pay attention that well. I am disappointed in myself. Thanks again to you all. I need perspective right now and you helped so much.

[courts0818]

Don't get down on yourself. You were hit with a bomb that rocked your world. It's totally understandable that you were preoccupied. Now that you are more aware, just make an effort to engage your daughter in talks. Don't force it, but start small and I bet conversations will just happen.

Maybe you could take her out to lunch or go shopping or something. Put some girl time on the calendar and she will probably be really excited. I know schedules are crazy, but this is important so squeeze it in.

And you could even tell her you are sorry for not giving her the time and attention she needed. You are human and you have feelings...if you are open, loving and honest...she'll understand. If anything this will probably bring you guys even closer. : )

[Another_Soldier]

I know i am not perfect for giving advice but my kids are 7 & 9 and when i talk to them on the phone they know that something is wrong with mommy and daddy. They can tell something is not right and will start to ask questions. IMO trying to shield to keep them from hurting will only hurt them more in the long run. Of course you have to base what you tell them on their age and maturity levels but you have to be truthful to your kids as best as you can. (No need for details) but you have to be honest and truthful.

Again, i am sorry you find yourself here with all of us and hope i can help if it is only just a little bit.

Taking it day by day

[Kelly23]

Daughter has worked all weekend at her job but I have asked her about dinner and a movie on Thursday when she is off. Hopefully we will be able to talk some about our relationship and how to improve it.
Thank you all for your help.

[Kelly23]

talking more with daughter about life and our marriage in general, when she asks, but we have had a few nights or crying...her and me, will fill you all in when I can

hope you all have a great Valentines Day