H suddenly moved out 10 days ago...I'm devastated

[avermont]

I've actually met several women through this process who started running in more or less these circumstances. Some run marathons now!

So there must be something to it.

I also promptly asked my doc for anti-anxiety meds, which helped a lot.

I am looking forward to looking more into The Work.

[Onthemountaintop]

Hi Flowmom,

I am a spouse that had thrown in the towel in our marriage (W was refusing attempts to work out M problems). Now I found a new ray of hope, so I thought I'd give my 2 cents.

The DB was excellent for getting me to think about who I presented to my spouse. It didn't change the fact that I couldn't understand how she responded to me in the first place.

I was recommended to read "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". I found that a lot of my responses in our separation and before seemed to make a lot more sense as I read it. This made it possible to connect - a goal of DB.

My wife was shocked, as you and others were, when I asked for the D. I thought she wanted it, because she had talked of leaving when the kids grew up and because she was unhappy. Shielding her emotions to protect me from hurting her only made it worse. Maybe understanding your husband's reactions better would help you decide what advice in DB to follow and what to leave. He might want to read a few sections, too, as it was authored by both a man and a woman (different perspectives).

I can't say that damage of the separation for me and my W is repairable for sure, but I've got a lot more satisfaction for trying.

Good luck and prayers~

[flowmom]

Your encouragement means so much to me, folks. This is like a lifeline that stops me from going down the path that I know I'd be going down right now without this support <shudder>.

I was recommended to read "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". I found that a lot of my responses in our separation and before seemed to make a lot more sense as I read it.

Thanks for the book recommendation OTMT. It sounds really interesting! In a review about that book, I read:

# The worst thing women do in their relationships to men is to shame them in many little (and sometimes larger) ways — correct them, make plans without consulting them, etc.

I think I did that all the time . A lot of it was actually well-intentioned, but it's starting to crystallize for me how much this damaged our M.

# The worst thing men do in their relationships is to leave their wives “married but alone” — failing to include their wives in their activities and decision-making.

That definitely was going on for a loooong time before our separation .

I've known for a long time that H was unhappy in our M, but I felt helpless to do anything about it because he wasn't willing to work on things the way that I wanted to, and he didn't seem to have ideas of his own about it, other than basically expecting me to walk on eggshells around him which wasn't that realistic. Then failed MC basically reinforced the sense of despair that we both felt. I was trying to renew myself before the separation, but not making a huge amount of progress.

[mnt_dreams]

I agree about the running. Didn't know about the amygdala, but it makes sense. I also feel calmer and more empowered after a good run.

This could be part of your GAL plan... something to think about!

[flowmom]

It's really hard when H moves stuff out of our home. He's been taking his books away box by box, and today he asked to take 2 of our tall bookshelves. Not the behaviour of someone in a trial separation .

Part of me is feeling more detached from H today. Seeing how little we've had together for quite a while now, as much as I wished for more.

The other part of me is filled with horror at what this is doing to our children. It stabs me through the heart to see their distress, distress that they don't have the words to express. H is protecting himself from consciously recognizing what this is doing to them. As imperfect as our M is, being an intact family is what's best for our children, esp. at their current stages. The mama bear part of me would do anything to make this M work.

On the day that H dropped the bomb, he also ordered the book Imperfect Harmony: How to Stay Married for the Sake of Your Children and Still Be Happy. I wonder if he read the book after receiving it after separating .

I'm struggling with the concept of GAL. I already have a life! Unfortunately, it's not one that is validated by society or financially rewarded. I'm acutely aware that my daily activities of homeschooling, nurturing my children, providing nutritious meals, scrubbing toilets, researching educational and health interventions, etc. are not seen as cool, or sexy, or interesting by most. Is that my problem or other people's problem? Am I who I am or what I do? I'd love to go out running or cross-country skiing tomorrow when I have some child-free time, but instead I'm planning to earn some money to pay off my giant credit card balance that came from H's business follies.

[CityGirl]

Your H is welcome to remove things from the home that belong to him. If he is asking to remove items that are jointly owned you do have the option of setting a boundary.

Time for some tough love!

Nobody is saying what you do in your life is not valuable or important! What we are saying is EVERYBODY needs *something* that is just for the. If you only have 3 min. per day then use those precious three minutes just for you. No excuses!

[avermont]

Oh, ugh, flowmom. Pulling things out slowly, box by box.

Yes, I see what you mean about struggling with GAL. I felt the same way--I have friends, activities, volunteer stuff--plenty of life for me!

and you have the hugest responsibility of all--bringing up children to be actual human beings. I can only deal with cats, myself.

So it is a good question--given that you have a fulfilling life, what is GAL? It it totallly other people's problem how they view your life and responsibilities.

GAL'ing for you might me expanding your social/activities beyond the household/children, in so far as your schedule/finances allow. Even joining an on-line group of some sort--Scrabble? Mah-jong? gets you connected to new/other people and is a new thing for your brain and heart to feel and do.

Can you shake up how you interact with other moms? trade off child care for some personal time? join forces to get the kids a babysitter, and do some at-home, inexpensive spa stuff?

You are who you are, not what you do. I try to remember to say I work AS an xyz, not I AM an xyz. Try to keep what I do separate from who I am.

Keep breathing.

[flowmom]

Your H is welcome to remove things from the home that belong to him. If he is asking to remove items that are jointly owned you do have the option of setting a boundary.

Yes. I don't care about the bookshelves so I let them go. I also let go of an armchair that matches one that's here, but I basically don't want to give him an excuse to spend one penny on buying stuff for his apartment... because that's less money to repay our debts and pay for interventions that our son needs.

Nobody is saying what you do in your life is not valuable or important! What we are saying is EVERYBODY needs *something* that is just for the. If you only have 3 min. per day then use those precious three minutes just for you. No excuses!

Yeah, I understand that. Just trying to sort it out in my head because I've actually been trying to GAL for about 6 months and renew myself...and I've been struggling with the process.

GAL'ing for you might me expanding your social/activities beyond the household/children, in so far as your schedule/finances allow. Even joining an on-line group of some sort--Scrabble? Mah-jong? gets you connected to new/other people and is a new thing for your brain and heart to feel and do.

Does meditation count as GAL? It's something I'd like to do regularly: it would be for me, it's free, and I have time to do a bit every day. What about doing The Work? Would that be GAL? One GAL idea I had was organizing a games night with some other parents who are neighbours (after kids' bedtimes). Not totally my thing, but it could be diverting.

Mostly what I feel like doing is watching DVDs by myself and licking my wounds.

[Ready2Change]

It's really hard when H moves stuff out of our home.

I am sorry you have to deal with this. HUGS

He's been taking his books away box by box

Ask him to take ALL of HIS stuff.

and today he asked to take 2 of our tall bookshelves.

Set a boundary.

"I have decided that all of the family items are to stay in the house. If you need bookshelves for your personal stuff, you are free to go buy some that you like with YOUR spare money."

The other part of me is filled with horror at what this is doing to our children. It stabs me through the heart to see their distress, distress that they don't have the words to express. H is protecting himself from consciously recognizing what this is doing to them. As imperfect as our M is, being an intact family is what's best for our children, esp. at their current stages. The mama bear part of me would do anything to make this M work.

This is the hardest part of this. The kids. Keep loving them. They need you right now.

I'm struggling with the concept of GAL. I already have a life! GAL = do things that you enjoy and make you happy. The idea is to focus your energy on your happiness. Each of our GAL is unique. My GAL was focused on things that kept the R out of my head.


[quote] I'd love to go out running or cross-country skiing tomorrow when I have some child-free time, but instead I'm planning to earn some money to pay off my giant credit card balance that came from H's business follies.

Running is for you. And yes, it is important to addresses the credit card. Why is it not his responsibility?

Stay strong sweeite. HUGUS

[flowmom]

Thanks for the input and support R2C.

Ask him to take ALL of HIS stuff.

H has stated that he wants a trial separation and that he hasn't made any final decisions about the future. What would asking him to remove his stuff accomplish other than pushing him out the door and making him think that I'm OK with divorcing? How does that make it easy for him to come back, assuming that he has a change of heart eventually?

And yes, it is important to addresses the credit card. Why is it not his responsibility

It's both of our responsibility and the reality is that he doesn't have money in the bank to pay it off. He is working (too) hard and the current financial crisis was one of the last straws for him. He has personal debt too.