Quote: thank you all for worrying about me. while things were happening yesterday i felt like i had a whole audience watching and it felt good ... i didn't feel alone
i couldn't have done it without all of you. i am home, it's ok, and now it's time to really start db'n my butt off
i wont be on much this weekend, but i had to update you all so you wouldn't worry
peace, kitti
Kitti,
I can only speak for myself, but congratulations. I actually wasn't so much "worried" about you, as I was "concerned" about you. I had a feeling you would be fine.
Kitti, Thank you for the post on my thread! You did such a good job this weekend. I am going to use both of your visuals, the bulldozer clearing the land in order to rebuild, and the mountain being just spoonfuls of dirt. Hang in there... what a long road, but hopefully, the rewards are there at the end.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
all i can sit here and say is WOW - thank you ALL for being there in my time of need. these have been a strange few days since i have been back. as you know friday went well and saturday, well he worked all day so not much interaction
sunday tho is when the strangeness began. this time tho, the NEW KITTI didn't react in a controlling way whatsoever. he woke up very very late and was complaining of feeling "wiped out" - this time, instead of seeing this about us and our sitch, i saw this for what it really was, and then i truly empathized with him
you see, i am seeing him now as a man who is genuinely depressed. he doesn't know which way is up in his head how can he know which way is up in our "r" - the one thing i keep going back to is if he really wanted to be gone, he would have left a long time ago
he truly doesn't know what is good for him, and until he does he is getting the space he needs to ride this journey.
it's amazing but i actually thought (for just a fleeting moment mind you) last night "SO WHAT" if our marriage doesn't work. i will be no less a person.
i am imagining that this is true detachment yes?
i am growing, with all your help i am growing
POSITIVES
1) despite feeling wiped out, he went to work yesterday and today. depression can be a horrible thing, but he is not using it to stay home from work, he is busting his butt and for whom? for this family
2) i watched interaction between him and daughter last night as he was fixing something for her on her tv/dvd player, i actually had a huge smile on my face because i realized at that precise moment that i had made the right decision to come home, and he smiles a huge smile back as if he knew what i was thinking (i love watching those two interact, you see, i never had a dad to interact with)
3) he was thrilled when i stayed up LATE last night to watch him and spur him on with a video game he is playing.
I think you're seeing good things!! You're right - you will be no less of a person. This is a healthy realization - your happiness is independent of the marriage, and once you see it that way, it's something you can bring into the marriage.
I'm glad that you feel that you made the right decision. Bravo Kitti - you're showing the strength to make this work out.
You're right, depression is a horrible thing - I think it's good you're separating out and identifying the issues - will certainly help you feel less hurt by things that happen and will enable you to help with solutions and healing.
Good thoughts your way Kitti! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Wow! You've come a long way! And I like the little story about your H, D and you, thanks for sharing. Made me smile. Did T2 come to see you yet, I miss that gal! Things will be OK no matter what happens. And I'm proud that you went back and you are willing to try to work things out!
