It Will Be Worth the Adjustment

[love_endures4ever]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Kitty}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I get the feeling we're twins living in different states, same sitch, same "bat" channel. You did get a lot of good advice which I need to apply to my sitch, too. The most important be H's friend, that's what H needs most at this time and boy do you move around a lot. Also sounds like you haven't had a whole lot of time to yourself, for yourself. Take good care of yourself, too!!!

Cathy

[KutieKat]

sage - ha! it's that good ole fashioned down home georgia cookin!!!! but really, wow, for you to be the first poster after that revelation, well, let's just say i am touched. (but we all knew that eh?)

yes, i do believe this was a learned trait, altho i think i inherited a bit of my mothers independent spirit genetically as well and that helps with the whole control thing too

all of your advice is well taken, and i have already started doing research on your recommendation on the meditation. i really do need to concentrate on that cause i need to let go of this fear and anxiety, and really, i just need to let go

because of all this quiet time i am having i am doing lots of thinking, and i have even come up with more conclusions that i will be sharing shortly, so keep your psyche hat on!!!

mockers - thanks so much for visiting my thread. thinking is definitely taken place this trip. i haven't had my daughter around today and wont for the rest of the day cause sil came and got her, so LOTS of quiet time to think and reflect about alot.

cathy - scary huh??? we discussed that whole "doing things for yourself" this morning eh? i really need to focus on that. i have been living vicariously thru my husband thru the whole controlling thing to the detrement of who i am. i need to get that inner person back. altho, sometimes i don't know who she is, i gotta find her

**********************

i have decided to go home friday, but not before i have exactly in mind what i need to say to my husband on the reasons i came home. i want to be clear and concise that i am doing what is best for me (he told me to LOL) and being apart from my family is not what is best for me.

i will be drafting some sort of talk plan that i want to share with all of you, and for you all to let me know if it's TOO CONTROLLING or if it's right on target

i think we have opened the lines of communication open so i can be just as honest with my feelings as he is with his

with a plan, i am feeling better already

kitti

[imalright]

Kitti,

I hate when I miss out on a good chat, darn it!!!

Great post! Made me do somemore thinking also. Because I was becoming the control person also!

Having a great day!

i have decided to go home friday, but not before i have exactly in mind what i need to say to my husband on the reasons i came home. i want to be clear and concise that i am doing what is best for me (he told me to LOL) and being apart from my family is not what is best for me.

Friday will be a good day!

Deb

[KutieKat]

thanks deb, i hope friday will be a good day for me as well

as you all know i have decided to go home friday, but i have made myself sick on what to say to hubby to let him know that i am staying home

i have something short and sweet written (i will say it tho) and i am hoping i can get some advice from you all to see if this would be good

i plan on just heading home and then calling him wherever he is and ask if i can meet him for a few minutes. you know, neutral territory and all

and i want to explain to him the insight i had yesterday about the control (not attacking him in anyway - it's all about ME at this point)

and then i want to say

so you see, i have an issue with control, and since i have met you i have tried to control you and our relationship. i don't want to do that anymore, you need your space to heal and to grow, as well as i.

i can only control me. i can only do what is best for me which leads me into this - what is best for me is to not be apart from this family. i need this family and i want it. i want us all to live under the same roof and to fight and grow together as a family but with you and i being friends in the process.

i want us to share our struggles and frustrations as parents with each other. i want us to concentrate on getting our family together on an even keel so that all of our children know they have a secure environment in which to live.

please help me with this people, before tomorrow - tell me if this is too much, i am SO scared of what to say to husband telling him why i am coming home and wanting to stay there. my stomach is in knots and i feel like i am having a panic attack

help

kitti

[kml]

Kitti -
I worry that this is all about doing the right thing for the kids and family - very correct, but maybe NOT what he needs to hear? In my experience, the WAS is seeking out the thrill of romance which is missing from the marriage, and although I know you do not want to appear pursuing, you have to give him some hope of regaining those exciting romantic feelings. The one thing I said to my H that he really remembers from our bad times is "you're going to have to work out your issues someday, somewhere - it might as well be with me (the mother of your children and the person who still loves you despite knowing your flaws, - but I'm not sure he remembers that part ).

Ellie

[NoLongerHere]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Kitti}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I think your note is great - it's communicating clearly that you're working on yourself and the changes that you're making. Good for you! Much of the progress that my W and I made came from communication like this.

I did find that my W, for a long time, was in the "actions not words" mode, so don't be disappointed if you get a response like "thank you for being open with me but it's going to take time" - that would be a great response, actually.

Hang in there Kitti - good thoughts and prayers your way - {{{{{{{}}}}}}}

- Bill

[imalright]

Kitti,

T2 handed you the tools now use them. Go home relax and then gently bring your H and you to a higher ground!

You can do this! You have it in you!

Deb

[sage]

Hey Kitti,

I'm so glad that you've decided to go home.

Now...you know me and I'm ALL about words but I have to admit that I'm wondering if it's a good idea to go into such detail, etc, with h right now. Now...I'll admit that I'm sort of filtering this thru my own sitch...I think that the statement that you wrote out is great, logical, heartfelt, honest...I think it would also really overwhelm my h. Not because he couldn't hear it or understand it but because it's just way too much emotional info in one place.

I think I remember reading though (??) that your h does ask you if things are ok with you? If so...why not let HIM take the lead a bit? IOW, I think saying to h "I'm coming home because I know that this is the right place for me to be." is cool...why not let the rest of it unfold? If he's an asker...let him take the lead...if he's not...use some DB'ing and your own experimentation to let him into your thought process over the next few weeks?

Anyway...just my two cents...I think that you guys are going to really do great no matter what your approach!

Sage

[KutieKat]

ellie - that is an excellent point about the kids family thing, i have rearranged my statement and will be posting it in a minute. talking to t2 today i got a little bit more clear on what direction i wanted to go in so maybe you can browse again if you have a chance

bill - yeah bill, i know that actions speak louder, and i have to remember that constantly cause that is the only thing that will win in the end - thanks for the reminder

deb - t2 was far from GENTLE, she told me LIKE IT IS, what a sweetie she is that is for sure, i have rearranged things and will be posting it in a minute and i think you will like the outcome

sage - i tend to agree with you on the too much detail for this. t2 agreed with you too and we came up with something a bit different, very short and too the point and it's something after reflecting that takes the burden completely off of him as to anything regarding our relationship but let's him know in no uncertain terms that i am in this for the long haul

*****************

thanks everyone for the replies, i am getting a bit better as the day goes on, but still extremely nervous about going home

i called hubby today after i had a luncheon date with some friends and i neglected to take my cell in with me, he had called 6 times while i was at lunch. i told him that i would be bring daughter home to see him tomorrow so it's not a surprise that i will be there.

but what i plan to do is still call him when i get into town and ask if we can meet someplace neutral and then tell him this...

H, I love you and I want you to know that I have decided that my place is at home. I've had a few days to think about this mess we're in and all that was said recently and I have decided for MYSELF that my life is with you and I'm going to work hard to keep our family together.

I accept the fact that right now YOU don't know what YOU need or want to be happy in your life and that's okay, I finally understand that now. BUT I know that what I want is for us to have a good marriage and so I will work on me while you take the time to work through what's best for you.

and then end it with

Thanks H, I feel so much better, thank you for listening. Now, how about I treat you to lunch?

you folks have been my life line this week and i cannot express to you all how much i appreciate the support. i hope i can give just a smidgeon back to you all someday

thoughts?

kitti

[optimist]

I like it! Short and to the point. You may want to add something that tells him that he has control over whatever he decides he wants... I am not sure how.

Though I'd make him pay for the lunch...