It Will Be Worth the Adjustment

[odga]

sorry about the double post - computer acted up.

[Trying24now]

Dear KK,
My chest ached reading your posts of the past two days...what unexpected turmoil, what confusion...my heart truly goes out to you.

While I know you are wracked with fear and insecurity of 'what will be'....I also saw, through YOUR recounting of the past few days with your H, that HE IS DEFINITELY LOST in the wilderness of MLC. In that I, as your friend, took solace because it tells me that he's not beyond your reach and NEITHER is your M.

He is spinning and he can't stop. Nothing is making sense to him now, not his feelings, not his thoughts, it feels like a stranger trapped in his own skin, it must be horribly frightening and exhausting to him. HE KNOWS right from wrong, he KNOWS what he has done AND HE KNOWS all the hard work that lies ahead to make things right again...and HE'S doubting both HIS and YOUR ability to do that.

I think, believe it or not, that this temporary INSANTIY is the storm that comes JUST before the calm.

I think he's at his MAX and there's only two ways to fall...towards you or forever away from his true self....my money's on YOU.

Give him space. Let him fight the demons that haunt his mind and soul. Let him run the gamet of emotions that he'll have to run. Let him go thru his 'maddness' alone and unencumbered by the already overwhelming guilt and grief he feels for not having been the man HE knows that he should be.

Time my friend, love, patience, understanding and TIME.
T2

[NoLongerHere]

Hey Kitti -

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time - clearly you need time to think and process, a little alone time will do you good, but I do sense that you don't want a final, permanent thing.

Wishy-washy isn't bad - you're just trying to process.

Can you take a vacation by yourself? Get away somewhere peaceful, alone? Take a weekend, go to the beach, camping, whatever - get away from the situation. Figure out WHAT YOU WANT - I sense you're getting away as a reaction, to escape the chaos and the confusion of what you feel - and that's valid to get a break once you're at your breaking point. But don't make lasting decisions based on reaction - figure out what you want, and address it like a project. The things going on now are just a moment in time - what he's saying, what he's feeling, what you're saying and feeling. This is all just one fascet of the situation. To some degree I see DBing as lifting yourself out of the situation a bit, removing yourself from the quagmire, seeing it as a whole, and making it a project to work on.

I know you really need comfort right now, and I'm sorry to flood you with solutions and suggestions - thinking about you Kitti - hang in there, the future is wonderful for you - better days are ahead.

- Bill

[sage]

Kitti --

Ah, hon, when you described the way your h interacted with you it was SO clear that his all or nothing statements of the day before just aren't how he really feels...your h sounds like a man who has struggled with his self-image...I'm sure the a. hasn't helped that any...it seems to me that his discussion about the church people (and how it may have snowballed into the a.) was actually a way for him to open up with you about how low he has felt, how disapointed he has been in himself.

My suggestion to you was going to be what everyone has essentially said. Take a few days, regroup, relax and then go home. DB there. You can do it. So can he.

Frankly, your string of phone calls this morning with h. sounds SO familiar. You both sound tired and emotionally spent. That's ok. Go home. Be very nice to each other. Don't try to "solve" anything right now.

I'm almost certain it won't feel this way to you right now but your last 2 days of posts shows h being very honest with you and himself...that, my friend, is a wonderful (exhausting, scary, tiring, emotional) next step.

Sage

[KutieKat]

pam - yeah, a little more conversation with him is in order, but not R conversation that is for sure

odga - Use the DBing tech of acting "as if" he knows it is only for a few days. I believe he will pick up on that and it will work out fine. - well already put that into practice thank you. we needed to make an appt for him for the dentist so i did it for him today and called him to tell him what i did. there is a screening process (because it's a medical college) and i told him i would make the appt on the 3rd and i would go with him to help him (he HATES filling out forms). and he says, i appreciate that, and i said NO PROBLEM.

t2 - oh my goodness woman, again you bring tears to my eyes. I think, believe it or not, that this temporary INSANTIY is the storm that comes JUST before the calm. gosh, i sure hope your right here t2. you know, logically i know this man is confused, it is just so hard NOT to get hurt to the heart when those horrible words come out of an otherwise CARING person.

so your telling me to give him space. staying here for a little while then is the answer. staying here for how long tho, that is the question. i really want to stay here until I MEET YOU NEXT WEEK!!!! LOL i will look for you on chat later - thank you so much for what you do and who you are

bill - oh bill, it's so nice to see you post, i haven't seen you for awhile yet i think about you often (like how we women here on the bb can CLONE you and make lots of money ) yes, your right bill, i have to figure out what i want and STICK to it because this rollercoaster i am on is not doing me any good. yes, i left as a reaction - now i need to think it thru and work on it like a project like you said. i have been doing LOTS of thinking today so i will be posting some conclusions in a little while and maybe the board can help me focus on the "project"

sage - yes sage, the more i concentrate on this today, and since i am somewhere i do not have any responsiblities, the more i see how confused he really is. it's like a little light bulb finally went off in my head "it's really not about you kitti, it's about him" - sage thank you so much for your words of encouragement and insight. you know how much i value your opinion because i feel that our sitches are so similar. i am going to be posting later on some conclusions and decisions but i need help with them (goals if you will) so if your available later i would appreciate some input

**********************

i once again have to thank this board for their kind attention to me in my time of need. the words of wisdom far surpasses any money i could pay.

you are all priceless treasure

kitti

[Zoo]

Hi Kitti,

I wanted to post last night but didn't get the chance too


I can totally empathize with your sitch. I too reached a point on 2 different occasions where I had to leave...if only for a short time.

Both times H came to get me. When I was gone he missed me, he would realize that my leaving was not what he wanted. Of course, when I went back things would get bad for awhile The first time was the worst because H made many promises that he couldn't keep at the time. The second time may have been part of the catalyst towards our finally working things out (there were many). H seemed to have worked more things out in his mind and he was adamant about my coming home. I think it really bothered him because I told him I would come back in a month or so to either work things out or pack the rest of my stuff...the choice was totally his.

We still had a rough time the second time around. He finally brought the A out into the open, he unloaded alot of his anger. Hurtful things got said but through all of it he kept saying even if you left completely I know I would want you back, I have no doubt about that . That is something I clung too through the worst of it...it was the only hope I had most of the time

So like the others I would say to use this time as a breather for both of you. It gives H the space he needs to think that he may not feel he gets when you are there. It gives you a break from the constant tension that might exhist. I would say to let H tell you when the best time would be for you to return home. Let him miss you a little bit first For me it was a week the first time. The second time H wanted me to come home after 2 days but I wouldn't go. He came back up on the weekend and insisted I return with him I wanted him to be sure he wanted me back for me and not because he was worried about my illness. He took the whole weekend to convince me

I guess what I am trying to say is that even though you leave it doesn't mean that's the end. Your H obviously doesn't think so either or he wouldn't have told you the door is open THis is another one of those times whenre patience is called for while H muccles through his confusion

Hope to see you back home soon
Zoo

[KutieKat]

zoo - wow, another one! you know, i have come to realize on this board there is really nothing new under the sun. whenever one of us run into some kind of obstacle, someone else has run into that exact same thing and can give you just the right advice needed or even the support that comes from one who has experienced what you have...and it means so much more so to you when you get that kind of support - thank you zoo, i am comforted

*******************

positives for today - yes there were some can you believe it???

1) hubby called at around 5:30 to tell me he went to the grocery store and what he bought. HUH???? ok, i was thrilled for him!

i had asked him if he was enjoying those chocolate chip cookies i made for him on sunday and he said they were da BOMB - i said thanks, he said, if you made those cookies all the time i would NEVER have to buy store bought cookies. he said in fact, you need to alternate between those cookies and those other coconut cookies that you make and i would just love it

so "acting as if" i am coming home (thanks odga) has already worked

2) hubby called around 7:30 and he was about to go to our regular bible meeting and he just wanted to know how i was. then he proceeded to tell me what he had for supper - i told him that i wasn't feeling all that well, with chills and body aches and he sounded genuinely concerned for me and told me to please take care of myself and that he would call and say goodnight later

3) earlier today i had to call the dentist to make an appt for him, but it was with the medical college here which means he needs to be "screened" first. so i called him to tell him i made the appt and then i said "i will go with you" cause i KNOW how much he hates paperwork and he told me, oh yeah, i appreciate that, sounds good

***************

you think he is missing me???

kitti

[KutieKat]

i wanted to post my "motivation" today, and then discuss it

All the best swords are double-edged. If solutions don't have big drawbacks, they probably don't have great advantages, either. In our quest for perfection, we too easily forget this. We set impossibly exacting standards, and then feel disappointed by our inevitable inability to keep them up. As you now attempt to turn a dream into a reality, you are beginning to recognise that there are problems associated with this process. Neptune insists, though, that this is no reason to stop.

how profound is "if solutions don't have big drawbacks, they probably don't have great advantages, either" - i have to remember that anything worth having is worth fighting for, and my OLD husband is worth fighting for. plain and simple

yup!

kitti

[psluke]

OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!

[imalright]

Go kitti! Kewl!

Deb