deb - thank you ever so much for being there for me yesterday, i really needed that extra bit of encouragement because i was going haywire at the time. you have been SUCH a good friend to me deb, and you always say the right things at the right times, not only to me but to everyone else. to answer your questions, please see my update below
pam - thank you pam, as you can see, i got VERY good advice!!! these people on board are the greatest yes? and don't think i didn't see the fact that david is on board. i have been enjoying reading the banter!!!
odga - well, too late! LOL please see my update below, btw - i am feeling MUCH better today than yesterday
sage - oh sage, where do i begin. instead of answering your thoughts in a thank you for your post, i will instead be addressing these issues in my update ok? sage, you are wise beyond your years, and you have given me much to think about, as usual
tal - thank you for stopping by in my time of need, i will be addressing your comments in my update as well.
elwood - isn't it true that sometimes we feel that we really know what is best and it doesn't always turn out that way eh? oh, why are we forced into making these kinds of decisions????
shiny - oh gosh shiny, just to know that someone else went thru this also and you are where you are today is so heartwarming - as with the others, i will be addressing your comments in my update.
bridget - WOW, thank you for coming to my thread, you said some VERY wise things that i will be addressing in my update...thank you so much
opt - thanks for the hug, it was just what i needed
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first, i have to thank each and every one of you for visiting my thread. i swear if i would have had internet connection this past weekend, i would NOT be in the condition i was in. i would have come to the board finally and let you all handle this instead of dealing with my husband about it.
to let you all know, i am at my inlaws...2.5 hours away from home. i am feeling MUCH better, but not feeling good about backsliding so very far backwards. oi vea - let me begin by telling you what transpired from the time i wrote my post until i finally left
hubby came out of his shower and asked to speak for a minute before he went to work. i sat with him on the couch and he started off by saying, you don't have to leave, this is your home. i cannot offer you anything different than what i have but this is your home. then he said in reference to our conversation about trying everything to make our r better, the following.
he said, i have been trying. i have been working on all the things i felt like i failed at in my life. the biggest thing i have failed at is that i have never made a good living for my family. not the one now nor the one in my first marriage. so i have worked harder in the last five months than i ever have in my life (true that).
because we are a religious family he pulled out the bible and turned to the scripture in galations that talks about the fruitages of god's spirit, you know, the love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faith, mildness and self control.
he went thru each one of those qualities and told me what he was doing to manifest these qualities in his life at this time because he had been lacking these qualities for so long. he said that he feels like such a failure because he can't work on them ALL at the same time and that he backslides so often. but he feels like he is trying, trying to make himself a better person and he gets VERY confused at times.
after he was done, he said, yes, we have had trouble communicating in our marriage, so maybe this is a chance to start working on that. he said to not look at this as an ending but maybe a start of something better. he cried, i cried
he left for work
he couldn't work, and came back home 1.5 later told me he had done some thinking. he said we HAVE to be friends no matter what the outcome of our r so we needed to start now. he said to PLEASE do not block the lines of communication for us (yes, i have a habit of shutting down) so that we can continue to work on this.
he said he was sorry for being so brutally honest with me about things but he thinks that is what is needed since he LIED so much in the past in regards to us and our r
i was ready to go and he walked me to the car. he had tears in his eyes and gave me a hug and a kiss on the neck and said, we are going to work this out, it will be ok. i got everything in the car and the last thing he said to me was "for the record, i don't feel it is the right time for you to leave - i don't know if there ever will be a right time, but that time is not now" - i just looked at him and cried, i still needed to get away in my head cause of all the hurt, so i left
bad bad bad
so start with the 2x4's
so i talk with inlaws (hubby's parents) and they don't know the first thing about db'n but they were like, DON'T believe anything he says, he is talking CRAZY and just take some time for yourself and then go back home, he will come to his senses (they are very pro marriage)
talked to his brother (this is where i am at bil and sil house) and he said the same thing, that hubby is so confused, just take this time to get some things straight in your head and go back home (dang, it sounds like my db friends eh?)
i have to say that it felt good to get somethings out amd talk face to face with some people
so peeps, i know i can go back home, i know he will let me. but should i right now? should i give him a little time to kewl off, me a little time to kewl off and regroup? or should i go home right away? if there is one thing i am is confused.
ok, time to address some of the issues from above (dang, i am so sorry this is so long)
Do you have a spare room in the house? - i have tried that route deb, our house is so small we can't help but bump into each other. but i really felt i had to get away anyway, if only for a temp thing. i wasn't really thinking clearly except for the fact that i knew deep down that i really didn't want to MOVE out, just get away from the pain. i actually do want him to miss me a bit, don't we all???
but I'm wondering what specifically your h was addressing re. the people in the church...in other words..what was he trying to tell you NOW about the way that he felt then? - sage, i believe hubby was trying to tell me again that he had a REASON for the affair. that there was a trigger of a snowball that led to it. that what had happened with those people made him feel so low that he needed an escape.
How do you REALLY feel, Kitti? Do you feel like you're covering up a heap of anger (or something else) with niceness? Or are you covering up occasional anger (or something else) with niceness? - ok, good question. hubby has always been VERY sensitive to my moods. i have tried to tell him numerous times that sometimes it's JUST HORMONES and if he just leaves me alone they pass. but he is always asking "what is wrong" and then he pushes until i come up with something.
so lately, i have really tried NOT to come up with anything, really act as if, but you know the MOODS are still there. i am STILL a woman full of MENAPAUSAL hormones and i sometimes can't hide that very well. and no matter how much i tell him that it isn't anything HE HAS DONE he always takes it inward. (can you say paranoid?) i guess i need to be MORE clear. "look hubby, i am just HORMONAL, i promise if you just leave me alone things will be better in a day or so" - would that work?
and yes sage, i do have a LOT of anger. what about? just wanting this to move on already, that is where my anger is now. nothing about the affair really affects me anymore. i just want to move on
so it's good to establish a baseline. there seems to be some cycle that you guys get into where he feels controlled and condescended to, you (??) feel as though you have to hide how you feel, he feels the same - ah yes, the cycle, and doesn't it always seem to fall on the week of the anniversary of the bomb? yes sirree, once a month it happens, and i need to break that cycle. ok, we have a goal for november then eh?
Um...I don't know the context of the rape comment. Can you (or would you feel comfortable?) explaining? - i believe he meant this, knowing him the way i do. with the women in his life he used sex to comfort them. i think he looks back on it now as he was being used for what pleasure he could give them. (he did tell me in this conversation also that he feels that all his friends are his friends only for what they can get out of him, including these women) - so his rape comment to me was not only directed at ME but to everyone he has ever slept with.
now sitting here thinking about this. if he has such a strong feeling about sex, that he feels like he is being used, well maybe that should tell me something. i think that he wants me to love him NOT FOR THE SEX (because really - he is good) but for who he is. mmmm, a light bulb moment? and i keep bringing up sex as the issue. ugh - help me people with this one
So, friend, it seems to me that he's leaving the door open for you to stay...are you up for that? - well evidently i wasn't, but i do believe i have left the door open, i do believe that i could ask him "can i come home" and he would tell me yes. question is when???
I agree about not moving out. I don't know what the laws of your state are, but you need to find out before you pack up and leave! - ha! well, i guess when i left tal, i really didn't think about packing ALL of my stuff, cause i only had a small bag for me and my daughter, just enough for a few days.
Kitti....Stay home...don't move out - well, officially, i haven't MOVED out, just gotten away, and because i told him i was LEAVING i guess maybe he expects it to be for good, so i really don't know how to turn this around. i know i can ask him to come back home and he would tell me yes, but i am so WISHY WASHY - ugh. this is cycle for me, i have ALWAYS threatened to leave and he always stops me, but this time i left. what do i do???
Perhaps one of the first "real" baby steps from your H's POV???? - you think he appreciated that i could feel his pain? is that what you are saying???
Do you think your H exaggerated and dramatized? - looking back now yes, i do. but during? it hurts like a knife.
If you have to leave, don't frame it as "forever" -- and use the separation wisely for YOU - i think he did the job of not framing it as forever. i think in his own way he left the door open for me when he said i didn't have to leave that it was my home. but i really do believe that i needed this time away. i needed to get my head clear.
i also believe he needs to know how it feels without me.
i can't ask him to leave, that is the catch 22 i am in. there are TWO stepsons (his boys) that live with us, and we were LUCKY to find a place in the school distric and we have agreed that they are going to spend the rest of thier school years there so asking him to leave would mean them leaving too, can't do that.
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ok, i think i covered all of the comments that needed addressing. thank you so much because just writing some of these things is very eye opening. i wish i would have had you all during the weekend, i could have handled this differently
so my ultimate question then is this ... should i ask to come home, or should i leave it alone for a bit? he called me three times yesterday to see how i was, and also one time to say goodnight
I'm amazed at how much he opened up to you. I know it was all wrapped up in an attack on you, but I see that as just a huge clue of how much he's hurting.
cathy - wishy washy eh? read my update (oh yes another one already) - i am going back home, but when, i don't know - if you can help with the update let me know
pam - i think i am playing pam today! LOL - i have emotions ALL OVER the place.
deb - thanks for holding my hand on im this morning sweetie, i am about to update so if there is anything i left out, let me know ok? cause you are living thru this with me
phoenix - all wrapped up in an attack, yes that is sure what it was eh? why does it have to hurt so much???
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ok, thru your advices and thru talking to deb on im this morning, i made the decision to go home. but silly me decided to pull this conversation with hubby the first phone call this morning
i told him that it was wrong for me to be here, and he had complete silence, i told him i was sorry that i was wishy washy - then he finally said and well you can't help the way you feel but i just can't deal with this right now. he said he feels very overwhelmed with everything that has happened in the last few days - then he couldn't say much else and wanted to go
i called him back after a few minutes cause i just couldn't believe i did the wrong thing AGAIN and he let voice mail pick up. ugh, so he finally called me back again and i told him that i was sorry that i pulled that on him this morning
i told him i was very confused, and that hormones were playing a part in this whole ride and he said, yes he knew that is why he is trying to not say so much to me
towards the last part of that conversation i asked if the door was still open and he replied with a hesitant "yes" - but added "i have told you since the beginning that i would not ask you to leave nor leave myself" then he says i know your confusion comes from being insecure about your future. anytime you do something new you are insecure. i want you to have security - i will not rob you of that even tho i have robbed you of everything else
then he went thru this long tirade about his ex wife and how they both handled the children after thier divorce and how whatever happened we would not do that with our daughter and then he ended the conversation by saying that he is tired, and confused and feeling ill - he hung up
ugh, so then he called back AGAIN - this time he tells me that he didn't want me to feel bad after our last conversation but he is just having a bad day - it's raining and he is still not feeling the best
so again i apologized to him telling him that i was sorry that i never pick the right time to talk to him about things and that i don't take extenuating circumstances into account - he told me to stop saying i am sorry for things, so i said what would you have me say instead? he told me just tell me you understand (duh validate)
then he had to go
DANG - i am so confused!!!! again, should i just leave it alone? should i just show up at home let's say on friday? what should i do now????
Kitti - I agree that packing a small bag for me and my daughter, just enough for a few days. is not moving out. and like you said officially, i haven't MOVED out, just gotten away, and because i told him i was LEAVING i guess maybe he expects it to be for good, so i really don't know how to turn this around.
I do not think there is anyting you have to turn around. Use the DBing tech of acting "as if" he knows it is only for a few days. I believe he will pick up on that and it will work out fine.
As a man though I have heard this before from my ex i have tried to tell him numerous times that sometimes it's JUST HORMONES and if he just leaves me alone they pass. but he is always asking "what is wrong" and then he pushes until i come up with something. Well, I did leave her alone and the next thing I got was the bomb. If he cares enough to ask and show concern then accept that as a statement of love and take confort in it.
Kitti - I agree that packing a small bag for me and my daughter, just enough for a few days. is not moving out. and like you said officially, i haven't MOVED out, just gotten away, and because i told him i was LEAVING i guess maybe he expects it to be for good, so i really don't know how to turn this around.
I do not think there is anyting you have to turn around. Use the DBing tech of acting "as if" he knows it is only for a few days. I believe he will pick up on that and it will work out fine.
As a man though I have heard this before from my ex i have tried to tell him numerous times that sometimes it's JUST HORMONES and if he just leaves me alone they pass. but he is always asking "what is wrong" and then he pushes until i come up with something. Well, I did leave her alone and the next thing I got was the bomb. If he cares enough to ask and show concern then accept that as a statement of love and take confort in it.
