Quote: Be careful what you ask for or else you might end up wandering around cheeseless tunnels with a headache because you're thinking too much/overanalyzing.
ok peeps - sorry i haven't been around, it's been the week from hell
i totally screwed up, and i don't believe there is any turning back. i am leaving my husband
story - this has been building all week. on saturday night hubby started talking about a situation that happened to him a few years ago that had quite an effect on his self respect and his esteem. it had to do with our church. he told me that he has come to the conclusion that if he was treated differently by the people involved then the affair most likely would not have happened.
he told me that he was doing everything right at the time, and even tho his feelings for me were not in the right place at the time (he was not "in love") that he knew the right thing to do was to make this work.
forward to yesterday. i had a bad morning, and i cried in the shower. i came out and told my husband how sorry i was that these people had such a profound effect on him and that i couldn't be the person that could help him thru it. i made the mistake of saying what was it that his affair had that i didn't have that helped him thru such a difficult time. in fact i went a little further and asked him what all his women friends had that i didn't have that he couldn't come to me and talk to me. and why was it that i couldn't come to him with my feelings and problems like they could.
well, one thing led to another and he told me that i make him ill. that these last few months of me acting all nice (acting "as if") was nothing but condescending to him and that he knew it wasn't in me to be that way so it made him ill cause he felt i was being fake.
conversations went on to include that i have ALWAYS made him feel uncomfortable with everything in our lives. he said again that we got married for the wrong reasons and it's been misery ever since we said "i do"
he left to pick up the boys in charlotte, so i had about 6 hours to think. i couldn't get online, our cable modem has been out all weekend. so think i did
i looked up the word "condescending" and it says "an air of superiority" - ah well, that was a light bulb moment - i have now come to the conclusion that my husband has an issue with me being "superior" almost MOM like. then i concluded that yes, he is more worried about pissing me off then worried about what would make me happy. fear. that is what my husband lives in is fear of me. he says he sees me that something is on my mind and i tell him it's ok and he knows it isn't that it makes him sick to his stomach cause he feels it's something he did.
i approached him when he came home with this revelation and he seemed to pause for a moment and then told me how insightful this was, because that is exactly how he feels about me.
he feels that there is nothing else we can do to make our marriage any better. he told me again that he cannot and will not have sex with me because he feels he has been "raped" all his life and he will not do that again. he says that sex has meant committment, wrong or right and he is not committed to me or this marriage, only trying to do what is right by way of the kids. he says we have done all we can to make this marriage work and that if we were to continue on that this is the furthest that we could get.
i also concluded and shared with him (which he agreed) that i was a transition for him. that after his first bad marriage, i was there to pick up the pieces for him, to find him a house, take care of his kids and give him companionship when no one else did. he felt that since we had sex, that he was committed to me and that is why he asked me to marry him. he had his emotional affair 1 year into our marriage and he said he resented me asking him never to talk to his "friend" again, and that is when all these feelings of "mom" surfaced. that he constantly felt like i was watching over him.
so i told him that he had many issues he needed to deal with and that me being here was not helping him come to grips with those issues. i told him i would leave to let him work out his problems. i told him that he has never had a chance in his adult life to try things on his own and that i felt like he needed that time so i would go.
i didn't get any sleep last night, thinking this was the most awful decision i could have made, but i have no idea how to get out of it. he says i am nothing but a seesaw of emotion and that he really doesn't appreciate the emotional rollercoaster i put him thru, every month and from the past as well.
well, i am packing now, ready to get out of here and give him his space. i know this was stupid but i don't know what to do.
he just came in here and gave me a hug and i cried - i told him i said goodbye to the boys this morning and he said "i know that had to be hard" - and that was it. he said, i am not asking you to go or to stay, you need to do what is best for you
now i ask you people, what do i do? i am packed, and i cannot handle this anymore, this knowing that i make him sick and ill, and that he feels like i am his mother (no wonder he doesn't want sex)
you folks just don't know how strong willed this man is. for principle sake if he says he will not have sex with me, he won't. there is no seducing him. sex again to me is the connection we need to heal this marriage, so if there is none, ever, where do we go?
