She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[Awoken]

(((Kara)))
(((Weldingguy))

thank you for your verses; I've made a list for myself.
The support here means so much to me.

[Awoken]

Ready2Change,

I'm so glad you're here. Your thread (and other posts) have been inspiring to me. Since my first day here, your signature has stayed in my mind and been my own direction: "what's best for my kids is best for me" So many times, when I've had a hard time making a decision, these words have been my guide. Thank you so much.

Keep your focus on every positive, every moment of the day. Start with enjoying your first three breaths of air. Enjoy the days you are still a single household family. Just because you and W are not getting alone, does not mean you can not enjoy her when she interacts with the kids.

Admittedly it's only been a few days since I found out W is filing for D, but I'm really struggling with this. I'm even surprised by the strength of my own reactions to it. Right now, if my W is in the same room with me, I can't look at her, much less speak. Yesterday, I was cooking dinner for the kids, and she came into the kitchen. My entire body actually turned away from her. I literally thought, what am I doing?!?!? I have been thinking about Coach's advice to act as if everything is ok, and I'm fine going on with my life. I'm have NOT been acting that way.

I really do agree with what you said in the quote above, about enjoying the single-family household. But I can't imagine doing it right now, but I want to. I am avoiding any confrontations, and I'm avoiding letting the kids see this. However, I think I've got to get a handle on this soon.

Maybe my strong feelings will diminish? do you have any advice?

[givingitmyall]

Awoken,

I am right where you are right now. And I think the goal for right now is to hang in there and be civil. I think it is unreasonable for us to "like" our STBXW's (there, that's the 1st time I think I've used that term). Doesn't mean we have to engage them or do things for them. Just enjoy the kids and take the high road.

[Awoken]

Thanks GIMA,

I am enjoying my kids. It's sad though, because even now S13 is wanting to include W in our activities. He's plainly had a plan to reunite us this entire time.

We were planning a ski trip for this weekend, but now I'm having to rethink the cost of it. I told both the kids that I was looking for a lower cost alternative, and S13 asked if maybe Mom would pitch in if we invited her. sigh. I'm gonna need to explain this in more detail to him.

D17 said she is gonna be mad at mom for at least a little while, and wants to confront her. She's frustrated because S13 made her promise no more confrontations. The last time she did that, all hell broke lose. I told her to be patient, and that there would be time in the future for her to talk about these things, and that her relationship with her mom was very important to me.

[Awoken]

I got an email from W this morning. She's a little upset because S13 mentioned to her that I may not be taking the kids out of town this weekend. Evidently W invited one of her friends to come and spend the weekend (a pro-divorce friend of course). My agreement with W was that we would communicate about our exact travel plans for this weekend before I left with the kids.

I replied via email that I wished she had communicated with me about her friend coming. In light of her filing for D, I couldn't afford the trip I had planned and I was looking for low cost alternatives.

She replied that she and her friend would be using the house, but would try to stay out of the way.

I'm on the fence: do I stay home for the weekend and hope that W decides to spend her own money finding a place for her and her friend (unlikely), do I stay home and deal with the tension, or do I go ahead an head out of town despite the cost?

[givingitmyall]

What do YOU want to do? What is the right thing to do for YOU?

HINT: SHE, and what she thinks, don't matter.

[Awoken]

thanks GIMA,

I want to tell her to go some place else with her friend, but I think that would be too volatile right now. I don't know if it's the RIGHT thing to do.

I want to go sking with my kids, but it's expensive. S13 is feeling guilty that mom isn't coming. I don't know if it's the RIGHT thing to do.

I'm feeling unclear right now; sigh!

[givingitmyall]

thanks GIMA,

I want to tell her to go some place else with her friend, but I think that would be too volatile right now. I don't know if it's the RIGHT thing to do.

I want to go sking with my kids, but it's expensive. S13 is feeling guilty that mom isn't coming. I don't know if it's the RIGHT thing to do.

I'm feeling unclear right now; sigh!

You feel unclear b/c you are thinking like her husband. So, don't. At this point, she has, for all intents and purposes, left you. So what she may say/do don't matter anymore.

As far as staying at the house, if that is what you want to do, then do it. To he!! with what SHE thinks, says, does. HER PROBLEM, not yours.

[Ready2Change]

I really do agree with what you said in the quote above, about enjoying the single-family household. But I can't imagine doing it right now, but I want to.

All you have is "right now". Everything in the past is now just your story. Do not let your past control you. I can say that about 100 different ways. Enjoy the moment. Just be there, no intentions, no expectations. Be happy. If today was your last day on earth, what would you be doing? Live that way. When you wake up in the morning, this is the first day of the rest of your life, what do you want to do?

I am avoiding any confrontations

is this a 180?

and I'm avoiding letting the kids see this

is this a 180?


Link to one of my "Wakeup call" days

[Ready2Change]

I am enjoying my kids.

great

It's sad though, because even now S13 is wanting to include W in our activities. He's plainly had a plan to reunite us this entire time.

Express your feelings and validate your kids.

We were planning a ski trip for this weekend, but now I'm having to rethink the cost of it

Go and enjoy every minute.

. I told both the kids that I was looking for a lower cost alternative,

"I decided we are still going. We have enough money to cover this trip."

and S13 asked if maybe Mom would pitch in if we invited her. sigh.

Yes this is tough.

D17 said she is gonna be mad at mom for at least a little while

she has every right to be angry. Validate her anger.

I told her to be patient, and that there would be time in the future for her to talk about these things, and that her relationship with her mom was very important to me.

Nice. I have changed my parenting style with my kids. I follow "parenting with love and logic" advise. Most of the time I give my kids several choices. I ask questions.

"I can see that you are angry. Do you think it would be better to argue with your mom now, or wait till you calm down when you can talk to her about why you are angry?"

Just my 2 cents