Bobbi Jo - try reading your "facts" post above, but instead of it being Dan, imagine it being your future son in law.
Thanks, Kerry. I have done that a few times, I would rather be stricken with a terminal illness than have Sydney go through that crap!
I know it is true, I have to keep remembering it is true. I think I am mourning the death of a dream, really. My vision/plan for the future. A lot of people and books say, it is like a death, and you have to deal with it that way. But I would argue that it is not the same as a death.
If Dan died, I would be devastated, of course! However if it happened while we were married/together, I would miss him as a loving husband who did not choose to leave me. And I would not be able to ever see him or talk to him, which is far different than the current situation. There would still be questions/what-ifs, etc, but he would literally be gone.
There is a song by Lady Antebellum called "Need You Now", about a couple who is broken up but reaches out to each other anyway...one line that sticks out to me is,
"Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all"....
And that is probably a part of it. If we are arguing then there is an emotion to feed off of, if we are trying to get back together (again) there are emotions with that, too. But to be almost-not-quite-divorced and still see each other and get along, that is such an awkward place to be.
Of course I haven't said any of this to Dan. The last thing he said about our M was two weeks ago when he said he would never be able to say he didn't want to be my husband or to have me for a wife....
I think I need to keep working on the no contact thing. Haven't tried to talk to him about anything since he left for Denver last Friday. The kids talk to him at night before bed and hand me the phone but I just say have fun and hang up. From now on I will just tell Nathan to hang it up.
Bbj, where your mind will go, your heart will follow. When you feel sad, remember : it isnt as if there is any other option that you are not choosing. Dan hasnt offered you one. Hugs K
Bbj, where your mind will go, your heart will follow. When you feel sad, remember : it isnt as if there is any other option that you are not choosing. Dan hasnt offered you one. Hugs K
Wow....that cheered me up...
OK I know you are helping. It is true, even if I hate it...
Haven't posted much to you K but I am so glad things are moving forward for you and your husband. I have no words of advice as I haven't gotten to where you are! But I am sl glad for you...
Listen, the way I said this is because you cant be beating yourself up with "ifs" and "what ifs"... not to hurt you sis. I've been there. And sometimes our minds forget the obvious and wander to -currently- non existing possibilities only to torture us... Sorry Thanks, dont worry. Not much going on here anyway. K
Well I went for a run and that helped. I need to do it more often. Actually I will soon be starting the 3x per week boot camp/Get Fit Camp, so that's good! Also I am down 2 pounds from last week, unfortunately I was up 5 pounds over the holidays so still 3 pounds to get back to where I was!
I had lost 28 pounds pre-bomb through a fitness and eating plan. After the bomb through these two years of limbo I gained all 28 pounds back! Now I am down 8 of those pounds...hoping to lose 10 more by the end of the school year and 5 more over the summer. Slow and steady...of course I hope to add muscle tone during that time which will not help lose weight but will help me feel stronger and healthier.
Deciding to make the choice to focus on the things I CAN change, like my disorgranized house, my job, and my body...
Good news--just got an email from the Christian counselor that I contacted, she has openings next week! I am fired up that I finally found a Christian counselor who is a female AND young!
No offense to any parties, but most I have looked into are near/past retirement age. Which is fine, but I want someone close to my own age, find that more relatable. The counselor I had in Kansas City wasn't a Christian counselor but she was more my age and I liked that...
OK time to go play with my kids. Tuesday is Family Game Night!
Good job on finding what sounds like a well matched counselor. Be wary if you walk in and see 2*4's laying around .
I need to do a family game night soon. It is after all one of the achievments toward the cub scout bear rank. That is an easy one to get done. At the last pack meeting, they listed the new activity belt loop and pins that the cub scouts just added and one was video games. You could only imagine the uproar of excitement from the boys when that one was mentioned.
I have not heard talk of the Cornhusker Cartoonist for a while. Sometimes these early meetups just sort of fizzle. At least that is my experience lately. I got a new one that winked and emailed me this morning - asian as usual, but new country of origin - The Philippines.
BBJ I totally understand what you are going through and I am so glad to read that you have called a counselor. You have been doing a good job but you have some serious healing to do. Also have you been able to look into a Divorce Care group?
My H's list of indiscretions is longer than Dan's, but then we have been married longer. I am pretty sure that my H only had one real PA, but there have been several internet and EA's. PA or EA, it all hurts very deeply, a lie is a lie is a lie...
I figured something out just this past Sunday night. I know I haven't said much about my sitch lately, but I will try and fill you in. Basically I am done with the marriage. I am willing to stay legally married for a couple of years in order to pay our debts off, but only if we have a true (in every sense of the word) separation.
H is in panic mode again. He called me Sunday to say he wants to be married (never said to me btw) and does not want to throw everything away. No plan to fix things though...
Then he went on to say he understands now why he seeks out these other woman online... "because he doesn't feel wanted by me." Okay I will play along, so I asked him (via txt) what I could do to make him feel wanted.
He txt'd back three things and when I saw them it hit me. Why we don't work... I cant give him the things he needs because I have no trust. I can trace back to early in our marriage when the trust began to erode. While I was not able to acknowledge it or admit it to myself during all these years I was also not able to function as a wife should.
The abuse I suffered as a child and the unhealthy coping skills I learned followed me into this dysfunctional marriage. I've realized I have a very keen intuition and good instincts. I even know most of the time if H is telling me the truth or not. But I denied that for all these years. I could not face the fact that my H would lie.
However with all that said I wish there was a way to repair things. I doubt I will ever give up that hope. But I know with out my H doing some real work on himself, we could not even begin to work on our marriage.
Gosh I didn't mean to hijack {blush} I hope this makes some sense
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Good job on finding what sounds like a well matched counselor. Be wary if you walk in and see 2*4's laying around .
I need to do a family game night soon. It is after all one of the achievments toward the cub scout bear rank. That is an easy one to get done. At the last pack meeting, they listed the new activity belt loop and pins that the cub scouts just added and one was video games. You could only imagine the uproar of excitement from the boys when that one was mentioned.
I have not heard talk of the Cornhusker Cartoonist for a while. Sometimes these early meetups just sort of fizzle. At least that is my experience lately. I got a new one that winked and emailed me this morning - asian as usual, but new country of origin - The Philippines.
Well, cornhusker cartoonist/CA is still loosely on the radar. His match membership expired at the end of December, while he was in Chicago. He emailed me to tell me it had expired but he hoped we would keep talking...I told him he had my cell # and gave him my email and left the ball in his court.
He texted me to wish me a happy new year on NYE, I replied, then since then we have traded a few texts per week...I figure if he was 'into' me he would ask me out again so I don't push it.
He did mention while he was in Chicago via email that I seemed so happy and upbeat and he worried he was too 'dark' for me...that was during my 'happy BBJ' mode that I am trying now to recapture. Anyway I told him that I too had my battles and shared a little about my situation. He let me know his (his divorce goes through this month) and thanked me for 'opening up'...
I still think he is really cute and interesting but I am not pursuing. I am also not pursuing anyone else right now. Think I need to focus on getting my house in order and see what happens naturally. After some counseling and self-improvement I will revisit the dating situation. Going out with CA did boost my PMA as I enjoyed spending time with a man who enjoyed being with me!
