Woke up at 1 a.m. on my kids' floor, came down here and posted I was better.
Went back to sleep and had several bad dreams in a row, all about Dan...
In the first one he came to me and told me he had just found out he had a child from his first affair back in 2002.
(At the time, he was 28 and had an affair with a 39 year old single mom...)
Then he goes on in the dream to tell me he was actually not having the affair back then with the 39 year old, he just let me believe that...he was having it with her 19 year old daughter.
Somehow that morphed into a new dream where he came back home and we were trying to work it out, and I came to bed to find some college-aged stripper-type in my bed...
Alarm went off and woke me up, there were more little dream segments mixed in but you get the idea...
I hit snooze on the alarm and fell asleep, I was suddenly on an outing with my mom/dad and sisters. My mom greets me with "How did you let yourself get so fat again?" and it went downhill from there...
This time the phone ringing woke me up. MIL called with some kind of question. Thank goodness she did as my alarm never went back off. It was 7:40 and I am supposed to be at work at 8!! Got both kids up and dressed and me ready and got to school at 8:10.
What a night/morning! Hope the rest of the day goes better than this!
Hey BBJ, I am a little cofused...did Dan actually have an affair with this woman or is all this fabricated in your mind? How many affairs did he have that you know of? Is this like a Tiger thing? Just curious because I never really paid attention to Dan's indiscretions....I am more focused on reading about you.
Anyhow, if you do not want to go there, that is fine (just curious I guess). you have yourself a nice day...hope the weather is warming up a tad for you.
Hey BBJ, I am a little cofused...did Dan actually have an affair with this woman or is all this fabricated in your mind? How many affairs did he have that you know of? Is this like a Tiger thing? Just curious because I never really paid attention to Dan's indiscretions....I am more focused on reading about you.
Just the facts, as I know them:
Feb 2000: One night stand with stripper in Tokyo (Dan took her back to his hotel), he told me about it the day he got back from his trip or I would never have known...
September-November 2002: Our son was born in August, I found out in October that Dan was having an affair. I told him I was leaving town one night after a week of arguments over my suspicions. I didn't leave town, parked outside a bar I knew he went to (with baby nathan in the car seat)and saw him get out of a minivan and into his car at 2:00 a.m., then drive off following the van. He didn't come home that night. The next day I told him what I saw and he confessed. The woman was a 39 yr old single mom of two he had met at a bar and been seeing for a couple weeks. (Found her # his phone and gave it to my attorney sister. She looked it up and found the womans address, age, and legal records!)
The affair lasted until Thanksgiving, with him saying it was over a couple times and me busting him, her calling our house, etc etc. Then I gave an ultimatum that I would move back home to Iowa from Kansas and take our son with me. I got full transparency, his cell phone, he called me from work or wherever he was to check in, told me if she contacted him, etc etc.
May 2007-September 2009(?): He had an affair with a 20-something girl from his office who has a boy a year younger than Nathan. You all know that story...
Other than that no other physical affairs that I know of, although I know he has frequented the strippers and viewed a lot of porn via videos and magazines, and while in college and the first year of our marriage used the phone sex lines. Some would say those things are just old boys' behavior, but not to me esp when combined with PAs.
SO, yes he had an affair with this woman, but she did not have a 19 year old daughter! Her kids were younger, like 8-12ish...
OK I called a counselor and left a msg. to get an appointment. Obv. I need some additional help here.
Reading his track record, what I posted above, why would I still want to be with him? Of course, I know it is what my kids would like, and intact family, but on a gut level I know it is what I want, too, even if I admit logically that it doesn't make sense.
There is obv. something wrong with me!! Ugh... I let myself believe that since he hasn't pursued the D he must not want it...I am still going forward with it, but I need to stop thinking about the possibility of things changing down the road. Grr...
I completely understand where you are coming from on that one BBJ. A C is an excellent next step. You need to work through your own feelings and get an objective person in front of you guiding your thoughts so that you don't ramble around in your own head and lose focus.
An intact family and what the kids would like are not reasons to stay in a M full of insecurity, infidelity, and lies. That is no example of a healthy R to show your kids, right? Dan has had 12 years to be a man and has chosen poorly throughout all of them. You just listed those choices he made (that you know of) above. Stop trying to sweep them under with "yeah, but" statements in your own mind, ok? There really is no justification for any of it.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
BBJ, I know what you are going through. I suspect quite a few have gone down this path. BBJ, a few years ago if I read your story, in all honesty, I would have thought your were crazy. Actually anybody who would want to reconcile with a cheating spouse in my mind was "not all there". Well guess what, I guess I was not all there and a whole bunch of other folks on here. I can't explain it....why we hang on and hang on in spite of all the hurt. But we do...and you are not alone. However, there has to come a time that we say enough is enough. The reasons I suggested that book is because I have been reading you long enough to know that you are struggling with this. I am glad you are going the C route. I hope they can help somehow.
I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I think what you are going through is normal - at least I hope it is because I am feeling the same way. Your H's track record is similar to my W's. She has had three affairs (that I know of), moved out of the house 4 months ago, and has shown absolutely zero interest in reconciling. Yet here I sit wanting her to change her mind and choose reconcilliation - even though I know that the likelyhood of her cheating again is very high.
I think the reason why I still "want" her, and maybe why you still want Dan as well, is because the her I want is the one I fell in love with, not the her that she has become. I still have this false sense of hope that she can change back into the person she was when we first were married.
