Need Wise DB Help!! Joint MC session in 2 days.

[MHL]

I know these things don't go according to script but if she admits that she screwed up last Saturday, and also wants a R with D13. Should I suggest that she stop Dating, Going Out to Bars etc. b/c it is damaging R with D13, me and family? or would I be pushing it.
I really don't want to hash the past with her, I am in a place that I don't need apologies or a forensic of what happened, but want to focus on the now and the immediate future, say no more than 2 weeks at a time. I feel this time in MC (1 hr.) is critical and I want to make the most of it.
Also, at the end should I ask for another session in a week or 2, I think my IC will ask anyhow, but if not should I or should I see if she will?

[TrentC]

I know these things don't go according to script but if she admits that she screwed up last Saturday, and also wants a R with D13. Should I suggest that she stop Dating, Going Out to Bars etc. b/c it is damaging R with D13, me and family? or would I be pushing it.

She's an adult. She's capable of making her own decisions and her own mistakes.

And she won't brook any "advice" or criticism from you at this point. If anything, let one of the ICs bring it up.

[MHL]

Pretty much what IC said also, in fact I am sending him some of my thoughts so he can help me phrase them so as not to make it sound as I am telling her anything. My IC said it is okay to say "I feel this way when I see you doing this" or "I feel good when we are together and being nice to each other" , I want to ask for more of that time together but that would be pursuing correct? Or is it okay in the counseling sesssion?

[MHL]

Got off the phone with my DB coach today and I am going to follow her advice of tough love. I am going to the session but only plan there 10 minutes, just enough time to tell my W in front of her IC and my IC that I am DONE!!! I will not stand by and let her treat me this way. This is going to be tough but I can now see that she will never want to be with a man she can't respect. Who would respect a man who would stand by while his wife would openly pursue other men. This will be a big change in strategy for me, I have successfully detatched but as I think about doing this it makes me nervous but I know I have to cut her loose if I am ever going to have a chance of getting her back. Below is what I plan to say and I also have picture of her with random guy that was posted to FB.

W, I asked you to come to this meeting a couple of days after what happened last Saturday at BAR on January 2nd. I thought it would be best if we had your IC so things will remain calm and civil. I welcome my IC also as he has helped me grow personally during this very difficult time for me. While it was not your choice to put this picture on Facebook, it was your choice to engage in this behavior.


After I pulled you off this guy and you sat in the corner sobbing, I had pity for you. You were drunk, your lipstick was smeared all over your face from kissing this man, you were dressed with a shirt that practically exposed your breasts, and you were completely out of control. You are not an example of someone who respects herself enough to not do those things which will lead you to a path of misery and self destruction. It is abundantly clear to ALL your family and the ALL your real friends that still love and care about you, that you’ve chosen a life filled with emptiness and loneliness. I do not have to tell you that people like FRIEND 1, FRIEND 2, and anyone else that will sit there and watch you destroy your life and harm your children, are not your true friends.


It dawned on me sometime on Sunday night Jan. 3 that I do not want to be with a person like that. The W I married, the W I knew before you started contacting other men in 2008, the W that raised our daughter in the church and taught her Sunday School class for 2 or 3 years, would never do what you have done in the last 3 or 4 months. The W I knew would never repeatedly lie to her daughter over and over again. You have overtly sexualized her. While she is repulsed by your behavior now, in a couple of years she will think that it is acceptable to engage in these promiscuous activities.


Poor S9, prays ever night feverently for you to come home, it is now hard for me to lead him in prayer for this because I no longer want you back in my life. Do you realize that you spent 4-5 hours last week with him and the week before that you spent no time with him other than the Saturday when we were all together. You did not speak with him over this past weekend at all. You spoke with him Friday morning and again on Monday morning for 2 minutes on each call. Sunday you texted me saying that you would not be able to call to say good night, he has stopped asking if you are going to call. It is nothing less than appalling how you can utterly abandon your children. He will grow to resent you as he realizes how you have prioritized his needs below your own selfish wants and desires, and one day he too will know when you are lying to him.

I will work with my lawyer, your lawyer and with you to reach an amicable separation agreement. Furthermore I will be cordial and nice and as friendly as I can to you, as we have to somehow interact to raise the children. But you have killed the friendship, I thought we were moving in a direction where we could re-establish our friendship but friends don’t treat each other the way you have treated me. And certainly not the way I would expect someone to treat the father of her children.

After pulling you off of this guy you were kissing in the middle of a bar here in ANYTOWN USA, in front of our neighbors and anyone else that may know us, I began to think about how I felt in the moment. Especially after the day we had as a family that was intended to promote family healing particularly between you and D13. Your actions speak to me loud and clear, you do not respect me, you do not respect the need for D13 or S9 to have a mother who is a role model, but most importantly you do not respect yourself. You have had sexual relations with multiple men and you further desecrate our marriage by seeking further relationships with men. I cannot be with, nor do I desire to be with you anymore. You win this time, you got what you wanted, I am done.

I made a vow almost 17 years ago and I take that vow very seriously and I know what it means “for better or worse”, “In good times and bad”, I have tried to be a man of honor, I have tried to be a faithful husband, I have humiliated myself in front of my friends, family, co-workers, and in front of my daughter by trying to stand by you while you do these things. I have had enough of worse and enough of bad……. and for this I will ask God’s Forgiveness.

I welcome any and all feedback.

[Lotus]

A standing ovation is in order.

[CityGirl]

Damn. I don't even know what to say. I almost saluted the screen when I read that letter

I am so terribly sorry you have to write something like that but I am so glad you realize you are so worthy of respect and honesty.

[MHL]

Thank you for the support, I have been Mr. Nice Guy for the past couple of weeks and while I have had my W's attention and it felt good. She totally spit in my face. I not mad I just am really getting with the program. My sitch is pretty hard to believe. Will be gone a couple of hours, will kick back to the top later. In the meantime thank you in advance for any and all advice or support.

[rop]

Hi missherlove - for what I understand she is getting isolated, from family and friends - I think this is very powerful.

[MHL]

rop,
Yes, I thought the same thing too. At first when I was screwing up, I was calling her family and friends hoping for a miracle and now she has disappointed them also but I am not talking to them and I come here to vent and share my thoughts. The "letter" above is not an actual letter, it is what I am going to say in a joint MC session tomorrow with me, my W, her IC, and my IC. It will be a packed house and I don't think the session will last more than 10 minutes, I plan to go in, dispense with the pleasantries and read this aloud, take my ring off and walk out.

[motherof3]

Bravo MHL. Bravo.

I can image this session will be exhausting.

(((hugs))) to you in advance.

Mo3