I still see the religious conflict as a major problem. I think you do, too, or you wouldn't have made that your starting point. You are asking advice on how to improve an experience that you believe is a sin. How can that work?
If you don't want to break up, why not take a defined break from sex while you talk this over? You could tell him you want to take six months off, for instance, from sex. We're very focused on increasing and improving sex here, but I'm not sure that's really what you're looking for. I personally don't care if a 42-year-old adult wants to have sex outside marriage--I assume a 42-year-old will take responsibility for the consequences of her actions. But you still need to make a choice. Either you have sex because you believe that's OK, or you refuse to have sex because you think it's not. You're disrespecting yourself with this and it's making you feel lousy. Besides, as you've already noticed, every time you try to bring up the problems in your sex life, he has the "hey, we shouldn't even be doing this" card to play, and apparently he's found that useful.
I've been tossing up if I should respond to this post or not for over a week ... but it keeps popping into my head, so here goes.
First of all - you should be SO proud of yourself. If you consider how far you've come in your personal development in the past 12 months you'll know what I mean. I had a quick look at the posts you were writing this time last year. You should too if you haven't.
Back then you were almost obsessed at second guessing what was going on with your xH, you thought about him all the time and made excuses to contact him.
Look at where you are now. Sure, still hurt by the way your x has behaved, obviously hurt by the lack of contact with your son - but here still, in one piece ... and most of all actually starting to look at the things going on in your life and saying "Hang on - what's in this for me?" Renee you couldn't do that 12 months ago ... you've come a long, long way girlfriend.
Now to this particular post ...
Quote:
1)He NEVER initiates sex (he did once or twice when we first met). The first time we had sex, it was amazing, he was very attentive and romantic.
I have a friend who I see once or twice a week for coffee or lunch and I NEVER initiate our meetings. I'm sure she'd probably like it if I did - but from my perspective I don't have to, she wants it more than me and she organises it. If she didn't call me for a few days or a week, I'd wonder what was going on with her and call her - but I never get the chance, she's on to me every other day. To be honest, I find it a bit weird that she is prepared for our relationship to be so one sided - and (as I'm writing this I'm thinking about it) I probably should try to beat her to the phone call from time to time ... but the bottom line for me is that she's a convenient friend. I like her, she's a good woman, reasonable company, and she's easy to be around - but if we saw less of each other it wouldn't bother me.
You see she has a higher need for my companionship than I have for hers, so she does all the work. Eventually it's possible she'll get sick of being the one doing all the work in our friendship and she'll either say something to me about it and we'll have to talk about each others expectations of our friendship - or she'll just stop calling - then I'll have to make a decision about the effort I'm prepared to put into the relationship.
Do you have any friends like that?
It's similar with sex. Your boyfriend obviously feels he doesn't have to initiate - because you beat him to it. You know he's capable of it ... he's done it before ... but he's not doing it now because your desire/need for sex is higher than his and you are doing all the work. If you stopped initiating sex for a while it's possible he might just get horny enough to get his act together sufficiently to initiate ...
Do you know what I mean?
Quote:
When we do have sex, he always wants to be the one in control, doesnt like me on top and there is no oral sex involved for me. There is also no affection toward me no foreplay unless I am the giver.
Renee - you know that you have given him this power to disrespect you. Early in your relaitonship you let him think this behaviour was OK ... and sure you might b!tch and complain about it now, but he's not real bothered, because he knows you are prepared to tolerate it. It's not like you're going to leave him or anything (you've said in later posts). He doesn't have to change, because he knows he can keep using you just as he wants to and you'll be grumpy about it - but you'll keep servicing him.
Let me tell you another quick story ... I've been involved on and off with a gorgeous man for 18 months or so. He's absolutely DIVINE. Physically, spiritually, intellectually ... he's got the lot. Thing is, I'm not that into him. I've got lots of reasons for why I'm into him (none of them very good) and I think the real reason is that I'm not ready for a committed, serious relationship with anyone so I've remained emotionally aloof from him. But Renee - the sex!!! Oh my goodness. It's the most amazing sex I've ever had ... and that's mostly because he has to work for it. This is really new for me. In previous relationships I've often been a little bit like you describe - the higher drive partner, often intitiate, a good sport when it comes to a blow-job for his pleasure... fake the occassional O so he feels he's doing his job ... this take-it-or-leave-it-approach has been an amazing revelation for me.
Men want to seduce their woman. Men want to be able to pleasure their woman ... we just have to give them the space to do that.
Gorgeous Renee - I so wish you would be willing to consider the idea that life without a man is infinately more fulfilling than life with the wrong man.
I know it gets lonely without a partner. I know it takes a lot of getting used to ... but there is so, so, so much more to life than relationships that fail to deliver us the happiness we are seeking - and in fact contribute to reducing our self esteem even further. Sure, you've got a boyfriend and you've got someone to spend the weekends with, but if you are honest with yourself (and if you re read some of the posts you've written over on MLC and here about this fellow) you'll agree that this relationship isn't making you happy.
He's a grump, he's a loner, he's not willing to meet you half way on anything ... and I know you'll say I've misunderstood what you've written ... but you did write it.
Renee, can I suggest that this year you look to expanding your community. By that I mean look around for things you are interested in and join groups, do short courses, meet new people, expand your interests. Be willing to be open to new experiences. Even this bulletin board is a community of sorts and you could do worse than spending some time helping other women who are going through now what you went through 12 months ago. Ya know?
What we give out we get back ... give out your beautiful spirit to all the people you connect with - and who knows you just might find people who are more like you, who like to do the same things you like to do, who have the same interests, passions.
And at risk of being a broken record I reckon you might be surprised at how much you could benefit from some individual counselling. Perhaps your employer has an Employee Assistance Scheme that would be no-cost or low-cost?
... and please pat yourself on the back for how far you've come.
Take care, V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I don't think there' much more I can add to this, especially after Virginia's comments. I will say this, though: I'm a DB nube, but it seems that you're not taking any positive action to influence his behavior. If you are really that attached to him, then you must do the work, right?
The main reason I visited this thread was the title, 'porn addiction,' because my compulsion to watch porn did major damage to my marriage. I truly sympathize with silverado, for having suffered through that.
So far, I've had no way to demonstrate to my wife that I haven't viewed porn since June, 2009, and she won't spend the time to accept an apology for my behavior. So, to all the women on this forum who have suffered from this, I'd like to offer what I wish I could tell her:
'I've realized that porn is not innocuous, harmless, or victimless. I've seen how it demeans women and I have faced and how it makes you feel.
Ultimately, I never experienced anything more beautiful than the tenderness between us, and the expression of that tenderness. Pornography robbed us of that beauty, and, in your eyes, made the ways I loved you seem empty. Why did I let myself be so blind to this, for so long?
For these reasons, I have given up pornography - whether or not it matters to you anymore. FWIW, I am truly sorry. You were always my true fantasy, as well as my true love.'
