Because she chose to, and now she's in deep, and most likely addicted to it. Once a wayward spouse is in this far, it becomes very difficult to "back up," lest their emotional and moral tires get punctured.
Your wife is now HEAVILY INVESTED -- basically, "ALL IN" -- on this path she has chosen. As destructive as the path is, for now, she has chosen to drive it. There's little you can do other than take care of yourself and your kids, SD. And your ability to do that will depend ENTIRELY on how much of your emotional energy you conserve for those two purposes. So far, you're squandering 90% of it still on obsessing about your wife, and why she's doing what she's doing, and why you "fell for it," etc., etc.
It's okay -- even healthy -- to journal, and to vent. And if that's all you were doing, I wouldn't have cracked you with the 2x6.
"Today is a really hard day for me, I'm feeling thus-and-such, but tomorrow I will get back up on my horse" is much different than the kind of wallowing posts I'm talking about.
Experienced posters know the difference, and I think you will find their patience to be Job-like if you're just doing the former. But I don't think you are, and I worry that you're not successfully making even the very first steps of progress, and that eventually you're going to start losing your cheering section.
You *really* need to get it together. This must start today. What will you do to make that happen?
You have the info and the tools - use them.
There are many, many women on this forum and most of us will tell you when men constantly whine, wallow, remain needy and clingy, show very few (or NO) manly traits and fail to make basic decisions it is a major turn off.
No woman, no matter how capable and smart, wants to be the "man" in a R. Mourn and grieve the loss of your marriage in private but stop letting it consume you. All it is doing delaying all the work you must do.
It is not easy, it hurts, it is unfathomable and painful but you have to start somewhere.
People that cheat lie. Most human beings understand unhappiness does not excuse cheating. People feel guilt and their reactions to guilt are all the same. In fact, most WAS's are the most boring and predictable people on the planet (hence the constant use of the word "script" or "textbook"). Not a one of them is unique. When they are caught they will bash and blame to remove the focus off their transgressions. It is basic reverse psychology yet somehow we are all fooled by it (myself included a long time ago).
Why would you WANT to go to counseling with a woman that has cheated on you and lied about it AND laughed at you when you set a boundary (she doesn't respect you)? At this time (that doesn't mean forever but you need to work in the present) counseling would be a waste of both time and money. Are you seeing a counselor? Maybe you should consider it. Many of us can attest to the tremendous assistance a solutions based C provided us with.
SD, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not very good at "hand holding" but I'll give it a shot...
I've been through what you've going through now. It's called the Five Stages of Grief. In no particular order they are:
1. Denial (e.g. I can't believe she doesn't love me) 2. Anger 3. Bargaining (e.g. If I do ____ then ____ ) 4. Depression 5. Acceptance
Our minds flash between stages 1,2,3 & 4. There is no set order and there is no set amount of time for each stage. We fluctuate until we reach stage 5 (acceptance) and even then we sometimes jump back to a previous stage.
The worst thing about all this is that it takes time. Just like a battle wound, you need to let your body heal. Antibiotics and drugs prevent infection and boost the immune system but they cannot heal a deep wound. Your body does that naturally. There isn't much you can do but lie in bed and wait.
You may feel helpless because you are far from home... I'd prefer you choose to view it another way: By being far from home you have been given the opportunity to heal faster. Your W is not in your face to tear at your wounds and openly flaunt her bad behavior. That is the torture that some face. They are forced to endure the pain of having their spouses rake them over the coals on a daily basis.
You on the other hand do not have to bear it. You have been given an opportunity to build a wall of defenses. Take advantage of it. Grieve as much as you can, in private, and far from where she can witness the pain that she has caused. Let yourself cry, vent and fume now. This too makes you stronger. This too helps you heal.
Your update was a good way to do it. Another way to do it is to write out your own "laundry list." Take the time to sit down and sift through your mind ALL the things she has done wrong. No one is an angel. Write them down. I did this. I went away before the New Year to be alone to do it. It helped me detach. It helped me through my own "fog" to see that Mrs Gno was not "the perfect" wife I had programmed myself to believe. I call it a "purge" and it helped.
Wish I could offer more hand-holding type of advice, but I'm better with the strategic / tactical stuff.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Breaking the day up is a grand idea. Don't worry about the whole day just make a plan for the next hour. When you get through the hour in a positive fashion take that momentum and apply it to the next hour.
Nobody has to take ALL this on at once. Hour by hour is a good place to start!
