Can any good come out of giving W some "space"

[Virtually_Handsome]

There's a clue in there!

When you left her alone, she came to you.

Then you rushed, and things broke.

Hmmmm......

If you only have another month or two in you, you might as well save yourself the trouble.

But if you have a day, and then another, you can do it.

[brknheart]

There's a clue in there!

When you left her alone, she came to you.

Then you rushed, and things broke.

Hmmmm......

If you only have another month or two in you, you might as well save yourself the trouble.

But if you have a day, and then another, you can do it.

Yea, when I didnt talk to her the 1.5 mths, she claimed she was upset that I didnt talk to her, that I didnt care about her. I dont get it, she didnt want me anymore, she told me to move on, she told me we are over! Then she comes back. Yes, I should have backed off. She also felt that I didnt pursue her enough when she first moved out, I dont agree about this. When she came back, I didnt want to let her go, didnt want to lose her again. I didnt want to come off as needy either...

Another thing to mention if I didnt, she said space will allow her to think about what she really wants, if she wants to work on this M. She wants to make a decision using her head (which was not clear the first 3 mths) and not make a decision with her heart.

[brknheart]

i reviewed some of my journal entries from when we first separated, some of the things she said then are the same things she said now. Makes me wonder if she really could change her mind about the D. I know I shouldnt dwell on this stuff, its making go crazy. I need to have a clear mind the next 1.5 weeks since im going on a vacation, hopefully I can keep it out of my mind.

[Butterfly1]

all the things you are wondering are normal. We all have worried over the same things. But if she is waffling, THIS IS A GOOD THING. Imagine if she just up and left and said I WANT A D PERIOD. Many people find themselves in this situation. So here's a chance for you to focus on the positive, not the negative. She's still 50% sure. The other 50% can be changed by you coming across as understanding of her needs, and by going ahead with your own life. This does not mean you will have to do things alone forever necessarily. In fact, your chances are increased that she will come back if you let he make her own decision and show to her you are happy with yourself either way.

I talk the talk, but walking the walk is really hard. I have my up days and my down days. That's why I check in with these boards and the DB book every day - to keep me on track when I fear it is all too insurmountable.

Now even if you feel horrible inside, you want to give her the impression of you giving her zero pressure. If she has communicated to you that she feels pressured,do a 180 and be sure that you are not asking for anything. Just validate her need for space, even if inside you are crumbling. Then come here and get support.

It seems impossible, but it's not. Read through some of the success stories here (Lost Rabbit is a great example) and all the ups and downs they went through and ended up with their spouses back.

The spouse has to CHOOSE to come back. 50% chance she will. Hold onto that.

[brknheart]

@Hope4Luv,

The way she talks sometimes, it seems like I have a 1% chance of getting back together with her. When she first left in August, she said we were over, D is inevitable. When she came back in December to talk, it was different. Do you ever feel like a backup plan, I feel like that sometimes. Say that something else doesnt come along, she will choose to try our M again. All these are assumptions of course, which I drive myself nuts with.

[Lost Rabbit]

Honestly my H went to get his space at his sisters for a bit, after three weeks he got his own place, I honestly thought I was doomed so in away NC was going to be the best route because I was going to have to do that if we D'd..

All of this was the making of me and dare I say it "playing the game" sometimes even became fun.. but ironically it was fun that seemd to be missing as far as H was concerned. Certainly all us girlies like to be wine dined and courted, but you fella's like to chase, so thats what I did made him chase me again! So if you back off and ignore her as best as you can, GAL and if you cant look like you have until you can, things do get back to them as I said in my previous thread..

And as H4L said keep coming back in here for encouragement, cuddles and friends.. You can be a big help to the girls on here who need to know how a man would think.. the fella's on here were fab when I saw my H for the first time in a month they were so naughty lol.

Chin up you will get through this somehow!

[Dom R]

Regarding her friend, we talk occasionally, then out of the blue she calls me last week to see how I am doing. She told me things (past and present) about my W that if my W found out, she would disown that friend. I think she called because she doesnt like what my W is doing, feels sorry for me. She even said she doesnt want to see me get screwed in the end. We went out for some coffee and a movie, talked some more.

Muahahaha... my cynical mind says, that her friend thinks its all over between you and your W... so now she can finally make her move on you herself. So naturally she's going to downplay any kind of hope for you and your W reconciling!

you're going down a slippery slope there...

(PS: how about making the dates in your sig consistent?
MM/YYYY format might be nice ;-)

[brknheart]

Regarding her friend, we talk occasionally, then out of the blue she calls me last week to see how I am doing. She told me things (past and present) about my W that if my W found out, she would disown that friend. I think she called because she doesnt like what my W is doing, feels sorry for me. She even said she doesnt want to see me get screwed in the end. We went out for some coffee and a movie, talked some more.

Muahahaha... my cynical mind says, that her friend thinks its all over between you and your W... so now she can finally make her move on you herself. So naturally she's going to downplay any kind of hope for you and your W reconciling!

you're going down a slippery slope there...

(PS: how about making the dates in your sig consistent?
MM/YYYY format might be nice ;-)

lol, others have said the same thing. What do you mean by going down a slippery slope? Should I not talk to her friend anymore?

I fixed my sig

[Dom R]

lol, others have said the same thing. What do you mean by going down a slippery slope? Should I not talk to her friend anymore?

Depends on what your goals are.

I'd say you have basically already crossed one "line", by going out on a date with her.

Stop, dont deny it. Just face facts :-}

Then decide what you are going to do about it.

Some things to consider:

1. This "friend of your wifes" made the first move on you by calling you,and then effectively (yet "subtly") distancing herself from your wife, and also attempting to distance YOU from her also.

This probably means either she's after you for herself, or she's testing you for your wife's sake.

2. If you actually WANT to get back together with your wife, how do you think the best way to do it is?
Will it be to push her friend away and be "the noble guy", or will it be to make her jealous by dating her friend?
And if the latter... Do you really want to use her like that?

As a totally unsolicited comment here... I personally think that you should just move back into your home and hang in there and see what happens.
You previously wrote,

My W wants "space" so I gave it to her. Its been 2 weeks since I moved out. Many people have said to not move out, but its either try this or get a D (and move out anyway).

those are NOT your only two options. YOU are not forced to "get a divorce".
Your wife may choose to file. But it is in no way inevitable.
Furthermore, if it IS... then you moving out, isnt likely to help that any.

Final comment: in pretty much every single case, someone who "wants space", really "wants more freedom to continue an affair that they have started".

By moving out, you are effectively telling her, "if you want to go with this other person, go ahead! and you can even keep the house as a reward for your infidelity too, I dont mind. It's all about what YOU want, dear..."

Move back in, but just keep your mouth closed and stay out of her way. Make it an "in-home separation". If it's true that all she really wants is "space", then that should be good enough.



"But she's not having an affair. I'm completely positive".


Yeah, there really should be a stickied post that keeps track of all the people who said that, but found out the truth months, or YEARS later.

[Dom R]

eh, I went back and read your more detailed situation.
it's possible that she is not in an affair right now.
It's probable that she WAS in one, and is now in recovery from it.

the question is, is she going to transition from "having an affair, to being single", or from "having an affair, to being married again" ?

In my opinion, you should show her that you can be there for her, in the way that she needs you to be.
That would be: in the house, silently, maybe taking care of little things without asking, staying out of her way, and without talking about your relationship, unless she starts it.

This requires you to put yourself aside, and think of her, continuously, for weeks.

if you dont think you could do that right now... then you need to work on yourself to get to that point. Because that's what marriage calls for: being able to set yourself aside for a time, for the benefit of the other person. If you cant do it, then you arent ready for a recovery of your marriage yet, so merely "being apart" is not going to improve things.

Do you agree with that?