Trying to stay positive. Trying to keep myself from thinking about the past - as soon as I get there I talk to myself and try and stop those thoughts. It's so tough. They come and it's exhausting having to police myself but I can't get bogged down in the negativity. So, I am just hoping in time it'll just get easier until I just don't think about it at all.
SA,
It WILL get easier with time. It may not seem that way right now, but it will, I promise.
In my case, I have used an exercise to help with my negative thoughts. And although it sounds like psycho-babble, it really works.
When I am feeling down, I identify the base cause of my negative feelings. It is usually some form of fear. Fear of being alone, of not being able to find someone as (fill in the blank) as my W (likely STBXW), fear of not being loved - all of these are premised on beliefs that will be the case.
Once I can pinpoint that base belief or cause of my negative feelings, I ask whether or not that belief is a reasonable one. Is it reasonable to believe that in all the world, there is not some woman out there who will love me, who will be willing to invest her life in a relationship with me? And the answer, of course, is no, that's unreasonable.
So, flip the unreasonable belief into a reasonable one. There IS someone (more likely someoneS) out there who will find me attractive and loving and will want to become involved with me.
And once you change your thought, then your emotions will follow.
Thoughts control emotions, not the other way around.
And, another unreasonable belief is that if I am single (i.e., "alone") then I will be lonely. Which isn't true. I have enough security with and in myself to know that even if I am single, I will not be lonely. I have friends and, most of all, I have my children. And no matter what, my children and I will be crucial parts of each others' lives.
Just try this technique. Someone very wise taught it to me.
Remember, change your thought, change your emotions.
Givingit------great advice helped me too. I struggle with those thoughts too....no one is going to want to be with me, baggage, etc. For me it is all about changing the way I think.
Givingit------great advice helped me too. I struggle with those thoughts too....no one is going to want to be with me, baggage, etc. For me it is all about changing the way I think.
These boards are so helpful
Yep. Don't know where I'd be without these boards, but I am pretty sure it would not be pretty.
I, too, am wading through feelings brought on by my W filing and serving me with the D petition earlier this week.
Those fears are exactly the ones I worry about. Never meeting someone. Never getting remarried. And in this I know I am my own worst enemy. And unless I change the negativity I know I won't meet anyone because who wants to be with a miserable person anyway. That's what I am working on - trying not to be this bitter person. And some days it's ok and others I just am wallowing in the self-pity.
I usually excercise and it does help a great deal but I've been a leg cast for the last month and a half due to a fractured foot which has made doing anything v difficult.
I know things will get better. They have to. I know I am a good person and deserve to be in a healthier relationship than I was. And I know I deserve to be treated with far more love and respect than my EXH treated me.
I wish I were one of those people who are divorced who have a carefree attitude. I'm in the dumps and I think people see me as this sad sack - really pathetic - and I am not a pathetic person. But when someone asks me how I am I can't seem to just put on a fake smile and pretend. I let them know how much things suck for me. Does that serve me well? I don't think so - I think people feel sorry for me and I don't want to have that persona. I want to have a better more confident respectable persona. Do I have to fake it to make it a reality? I don't know. My life is so monotonous now. I hate it. I really have to make some major changes. I am living in a small place and its suffocating. By leaving I'm going to be putting a lot on the line but I really think for my overall emotional and social well-being it will be much, much better for me. I've been reading a lot about just being positive. About how thoughts affect our lifes. How being positive helps change situations and how being negative makes things worse. I'm trying my best to stay positive. I have to - I want to beat these depressive feelings. I want my happy ending - my daughter and I deserve it! I was a good wife - I just married a really screwed up person! I need to stop blaming myself and start moving mentally in the direction of a better and happier life. I know I can do it.
You're right. Your current unhappiness sticks out like a sore thumb. And although people do feel sorry for you, they don't want to hang around with you because you bring them down. Nothing personal, that's just the way it is. And all of us here have felt what you're feeling, and lots of us still are. It takes time...but it also takes hard work and desire...desire to be as happy and content as you can be, regardless of your situation. Are you attracted to people who are weak and miserable? Neither is anyone else! Are you attracted to people who are strong and confident and happy? So are others! You can't rush it because it does take time...but you can start to work on it. You can start to work on being as happy and content as you can be.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Stillalone.........oh do I ever know how you feel!! Antler gives some good advice. It is tough...it's like you have to shed that old layer - to feel free, to start fresh, to start anew, although strange it feels at times. Seems very bizare to me but I knwo it's a reality.
Does anyone have any good divorce recovery books they recommend? I am willing to work at it. But I feel like I have to work everyday at feeling ok. I have to wake up every morning and talk myself into having a good day - It's bizarre - I want to wake up without the heaviness!!! I am so sick of the heaviness... It's just a part of who I have become. I just feel like the relationship and divorce took away the normality of just waking up to a new day. Sorry, I feel like all I do is complain - but I am just trying to vent and trying and get some peace.
Hi there. I have a book to recommend--it's called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. It explains the biological--physiological reasons why you are feeling so terrible. Enlightening and helpful. You will recognize what you are feeling in that book.
Also David Burns' book Feeling Good. It will help you understand the hurtful thoughts and how to change them.
I can't overemphasize the importance of exercise and good nutrition and hot baths as well as little treats for yourself.
Also the venting you are doing here is so helpful. Get it out as much as you can or want to.
So one other thing--I am not a psychologist or anything, but I do know this. Waking up with that heaviness in the morning is a sign of depression. It is NOT who you have become. And you cannot just turn it off and become happy. Your body, brain, and soul have been traumatized and you will have to take the time to heal.
Most likely no one sees you as a sad sack. People care but do not know what to do. But it is very important to be able to express your feelings, and a lot. Besides getting a therapist if you can, what helped me were two things-- find one or two at most close friend who you can confide your feelings with and tell them why, and then sort of spread the rest around--call one person one week and another the next to chat. Not everyone needs or wants to know everything.
Expressing your feelings will give you peace. As will trying to give yourself some good experiences. Just one simple accomplishment. You may also try journaling your feelings every morning in a book after you wake up. And your dreams if you remember them. And your accomplishments from the previous day. And what you are grateful for.
These are some ideas. You will get there. Be extremely easy and kind to yourself. You are not alone at all. Many people here including me have been down this road. One day at a time. Wonder.
