Folks, great discussion. I missed it yesterday. I had living proof this weekend that kids grow up to be adults and that they see more and are more aware of right and wrong than we give them credit for. I think the key is to take the high road and remain true to yourself. I refuse to badmouth XW to her kids and or anybody else that knew her (ok the odd shot here and there)...but the kids pick up on who WE are and what we stand for. The "awful" actions of soem of the WASs need to be counteracted by some positive reinforcement on our parts or maybe the grandparenst aor aunts and uncles ect.... The only thing I can control is how I act around my daughter and my stepdaughters...XW is who she is.....kids notice....kids become adults....let's not underestimate them and above all let's show them by our actions. They will choose their role models.
Gyps, I get what you're saying here about about Solomon's test. But it doesn't really address my point. Yes, the question is whether to accept (or become party to) someone else taking on your role in your child's life, even if in name only. The original context for fb2's comment, to which I concurred, was that the very idea that we are advised to make concessions to the big D for the sake of our kids can reach a point where it becomes ridiculous. In fact, the very notion that modern society asks us to become unwilling enablers to the so-called "realities" of D is outrageous. Why is it expected, in this particular case, that a biological parent has to turn a blind eye to effectively being replaced with someone else -- or if not outright replaced but to water down their role? There has to be a balancing point between seeking peace for the sake of your children but not being seen as an enabler to the ridiculous world we live in.
And for the record, yes, words do mean things, or why else use them?
I think instead of using the story of Solomon as your guide, I think you're better off in this case looking at Stephen King's story/screenplay, Storm of the Century. What I hear the waywards saying is, like the character Linoge, "Give me what I want and I'll go away."
Legal consequences for infidelity sounds great. I do think that castration, public nudity humiliation, islamic stoning or islamic hanging may be too extreme. Plus, infidelity consequences need to be treated equal for men and women. Financial disadvantage would probably be more fitting. My mother did voluntary financial (from her guilt/shame) by not taking anything but her car from my father. I think mandatory financial consequences should be the law.
One bitter point for me was having to buy out my XW for alimony to the tune of $40 G. It seemed like I was being punished and she was being rewarded.
Agreed Kerry, there should be some BIG financial penalty for infidelity; at any rate at least no reward and a good deal of social stigma otherwise this thing perpetuates itself; these cheaters have gotten so shameless as a result of "no-fault" D. You should not have had to pay a dime, leave alone $40k. And if you ask me getting the kids to accept this is a form of "child abuse". I've heard the mantra of "stay the high road the kids are not fools they'll ultimately get it" - yes, the high road is necessary but I do not believe it is sufficient and not all kids will "get it" when they grow up - a good majority will repeat history. I went to court and somehow forced OM the second in my case to sign an agreement that he would not come near me or my kids or call/e-mail/text them when they are with me as I was getting the creeps. He had the audacity to call my kids "his kids too" even in court.
I am sure that just like me, you also are uncertain as to how your kids views on marriage will develop as they get older. Will they be prone to divorce? Will they take their mothers values or mine.
Hopefully, much of their opinions will be influenced by us fathers, who have taken the high moral road, but I believe that much will come also from their peers. I am not too worried about my son as I got a good feel for his character and I know he understands much of what transpired. I am concerned most now for my daughter who thinks it cool to now have 2 daddy's along with the riches her mom is now reaping by marrying a richer guy.
But I cant dwell on that too much since there is much I cant control or foresee. I can only endeavor to continue maintaining stability, routineness, strictness, safety and a sense of adventure and happiness in their lives during the time they are in my care.
Did you get divorced yet?
Has your soon gotten started on his Pinewood derby? Mine has his cut and painted and hopefully should finish it this weekend as the race in Jan 24.
<<I've heard the mantra of "stay the high road the kids are not fools they'll ultimately get it" - yes, the high road is necessary but I do not believe it is sufficient and not all kids will "get it" when they grow up - a good majority will repeat history>>
FB2, I usually agree with what you write. I am having difficulty understanding the post above. What are you suggesting? Since the so called mantra is not sufficient. I am not sure that I believe that history will repeat itself with the majority of our kids if (like Kerry said) we shwo them the other sidea and they have access to loving couples...perhaps grandparents etc. There are too may variables in life and in a relationship to predict our kid's futures.
Kerry, what color is the derby car? Oh, I miss the good times. Thanks for stopping by. I'll contact you when there is time. I'm resting today, after physical therapy. Maybe try to do a phone consult or two. Peace in 2010.
I am not sure that I believe that history will repeat itself with the majority of our kids if (like Kerry said) we shwo them the other sidea and they have access to loving couples...perhaps grandparents etc. There are too may variables in life and in a relationship to predict our kid's futures.
well if we believe stats then the stats say that if you are a child of divorce then there is a pretty high chance you will end up divorced...my mom and dad were married 54 years when my dad passed...I would think that the stats would have been on my side and my chances of staying married would have been high...problem is..both my ex-spouses were children of divorce..Michele came from a stable home..her mom and dad are still married...but she has been divorced 9 years.....
